Invention

Did you hear about the inventor of old that came up with a knife that would slice two loaves of bread at the same time?  He sold it to a large bakery. 

He then developed a knife that could slice three loaves of bread at the same time.   He sold that idea, too!

Finally, the ultimate.  He made a huge knife that could cut four loaves of bread at the same time!

  And so, on that day that shall live in all our hearts, was born the world's first four-loaf cleaver.

 

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YOU MIGHT BE A SOUTHERN BAPTIST IF...

 

1. You believe you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven when you die. 

2. You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.

 3. You have ever put an IOU in the collection plate.

 4. You think God's presence is always strongest in the back three pews.

 5. You think John the Baptist founded the Southern Baptist Convention.

 6. You clapped in church last Sunday and felt guilty about it all week.

 7. You judge the quality of a service by its duration.

 8. You also judge the quality of the sermon by how much sweat the preacher worked up.

 9. You think the Holy Land is Nashville.

 10. You are old enough to get a senior citizen discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to be promoted into the senior adult Sunday School Class.

 11. You think someone who says "amen" while the Pastor is preaching might be a charismatic. 

12. You complained because your Pastor only works one day a week and then he works too long.

 13. You think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem.

 14. The first complete sentence you uttered was "We've never done it this way before." 

15. You think the epistles are probably the wives of the apostles.

 16. Your definition of "fellowship" has something to do with food.

 17. You wonder if Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong will ever be paid off.

 18. You honestly believe the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.

 19. You think worship service music has to be loud.

 20. You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.

 21. You think preachers who wear robes are in cahoots with the communists.

 22. You once woke up craving fried chicken and interpreted that as a call to preach.

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You Know You've Been Online Too Long When...

Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.

When you are reading something printed, you wish you could use a search function to get to the point.

Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL."

When you reply to someone verbally, your fingers start typing your response.

You check your e-mail over and over, even when you know there's nothing there.

You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.

You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out."

Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet "sweet_girl" face-to-face.

You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.

You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.

You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.

You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"

You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the night when your spouse is asleep.

You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't know you're online again.

You know more about online friends' daily routines than you do your own spouse's.

You find yourself lying to others about your time online and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.

You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.

You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth.

You change your screen name so much that you have to do a who is to know who you are.

You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.

You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.

Your dog leaves you.

You bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer.

You type faster than you can think.

You can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.

You don't want to leave in case you miss something.

You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to check your mail and while there you "just wanted to see who was online."

Have A Great Day