ALL THE REST —  July 2
  

ALBATROSS

Albatross, is a name applied to large seabirds of the albatross family. The albatross is a nomadic birds that spend months wandering great distances over the oceans. It sleeps while floating on the ocean surface. It drinks seawater, and feeds on small marine animals and cuttlefish. The albatross returns to land only to breed. During breeding time they perform a stylized courting ritual of elaborate bowing and posturing. Albatrosses nest on barren islands, close to shore. Generally the nest is a depression in the ground and contains a single egg.

Albatrosses generally have no fear of humans. The birds are nicknamed "gooneys." They often follow a ship for days, diving steeply into the water to recover refuse from the wake of the ship. The birds are easily caught with baited hook and line. The captured birds are generally released due to superstition. The superstition forms the theme of "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" by the English poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge.

Albatross have a great hooked bill. The feet are strongly webbed and lack a hind claw. The wings are long and narrow. The wandering albatross, a huge bird with a 11 foot wingspread.

"Albatross," Microsoft(R) Encarta(R) 96 Encyclopedia.

A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
Proverbs 17:22 (NIV)

"What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. These are but trifles, to be sure; but, scattered along life's pathway, the good they do is inconceivable."

Joseph Addison

 

 Put My Dog Down, Huh???

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's much too heavy."

---

SWINDLED

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled!
Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."

The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

---

Dave... walking with a friend said to that friend, "I'm a walking economy."

The friend replied "How so?"

"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!" Know what I mean???

---

There was once a pastor of a large church, he was a good man, a good pastor. and could preach a rousing sermon, but he had one weakness -- golf.

One Sunday morning he woke up, preparing his mind for that morning's sermon when he had a look out of the window. Oh what a glorious morning, the sun had broken through the weeks of greyness and the sky was clear blue. At that moment he decided he had to play golf, even if it meant missing Church; he had a good team around him after all. So he phoned the associate pastor, explaining he was sick in a croaky voice.

"Can we pray for you?" they offered

"No, no it's not as bad as that" he croaked back and left them to take the service.

A brief pang of guilt was forgotten as once again he arrived at the golf course.

Up in heaven St. Peter, seeing all this wandered over to Jesus, "Lord", he said, "have you seen what your servant is doing down here?"

"Yes Peter", replied Jesus, "don't worry, I have it all in hand"

"Okay Lord" said Peter and went to see what was happening now.

What was happening was the Pastor was lining up his first shot of the day. He breathed the cool, fresh air, "This is going to be a beautiful day" he thought to himself and let swing. Crack, what a beauty, the ball sailed down the fairway."Oh yes this is going to be a beautiful day" he thought.

Again in heaven Peter walked over to the Lord and questioned "Lord do you see what's happening here?"

"Peter, Leave it to me, it's all in hand"

The round was going great, in fact it looked as though this might be the best round of golf he had ever played. He continued solo with his game, each hole accomplished with great skill. Suddenly, he was at the famous 18th hole, an enormous par five of reknowned difficulty. Could he maintain his form? Many a game had been lost on this one! He lined himself up, took a final glance down the fairway to where it turned a bend and swung.

He had never seen his ball go so far, it was amazing. He watched the ball soar. He began to fear that the ball would overshoot the dogleg and go into the trees. Too bad. As he watched the ball amazingly turned the corner. It must have hit a tree or something. WOW what luck. He hurried down the fairway and rounded the corner until he saw the green still some way off. Where was that ball? How far had it gone? He just kept on walking, searching for the golf ball. There was no sign of it anywhere. Surely it hadn't reached the green! No, it's impossible! Could it be! There lying in the cup was his ball. "A hole in one! A hole in one! Outstanding!" he shouts as he dances around ecstatically.

Up in heaven that was just the final straw, "What's going on?" Peter yelled, "did you see that, did you do that? Is this some grace thing again? What are you doing Lord? Your servant abandons his flock for some foolish game, lies to his elders, and this happens! You give him the most amazing golf game he has ever played. Then you top it off with that unbelievable hole in one. What's going on!"

"Yes Peter" replied Jesus, smiling,"I did give him all that, but there is one thing that you forgot...who's he going to tell?"

---

"Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On, A Cowboy's Guide To Life"

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. 
Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Never ask a man the size of his spread.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so
good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter
came along and shot him.  The moral: when you're full
of bull, keep your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do
is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're
out of good whiskey.

Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back
every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a
person, don't be suprised if they learn their lesson.

The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it
up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees.
Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when
it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it
bake, but otherwise ignore it.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to
have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier
'n puttin' it back.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. 
It's not so important to know what it is, but it's
critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
over and put it back in your pocket.

A smart ass just don't fit in a saddle.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

From Kasha Linka

---

---

---

TRUE FACT ...

Humans begin laughing at two to three months of age. Six year olds laugh about 300 times per day, while adults laugh from 15 to 100 times per day.

SOURCE: NYT, Dr. William F. Fry, Stanford University

Nothing in the world can replace the modern swimsuit,
and it practically has.

T
H
I
N
K

A
B
O
U
T

I
T

~ Why God Never Received A PHD ~

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and often held on limited access mountain tops.