FAMOUS LAST WORDS
Don't turn it on yet, it's not quite
ready.
Don't worry, it's not used any more.
Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture.
So they finally fixed this elevator yesterday?
Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know
what I'm doing.
Yes of course the elastic is strong enough.
I wonder what happens if these two wires touch.
Hey, don't worry, it isn't loaded.
I thought it tasted rather strange.
Well *I've* never seen one that big.
Darling, did you remember to turn off the gas?
You have driven this before, haven't you?
And that one over there, the red flashing one, what
does that mean?
I've never had one of these fail to open before.
Are you sure they don't mind you taking their honey?
Say, what's that faint ticking noise?
It's ok, I saw them do it on TV.
A company president was given
a ticket for a performance of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony." Since he
was unable to go, he passed the invitation to one of his top management reviewers.
The next morning, the president asked the reviewer how he had enjoyed it, and he was
handed a memorandum, which read as follows:
MEMORANDUM
1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do.
Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus
avoiding peaks of inactivity.
2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary
duplication, and the staff in this section should be drastically cut. If a large
volume of sound is required, this could be obtained through use of an amplifier.
3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This seems an
excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be
rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done, it would be possible to use
paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians.
4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage
that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant
passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty
minutes.
5. This symphony has two movements. If Schubert did not achieve his musical
goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have stopped there. The
second movement is unnecessary and should be cut.
In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given
attention to these matters, his symphony would probably have been
finished by now.
From Kasha Linka
Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months studying
the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. Despite all efforts at predator control, the
population was declining at an alarming rate. Finn finally went to the chemistry
department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help.
Tom looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little
frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay
coupled long enough to reproduce. Tom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this,
a toss of that and, most
critically, one part sodium.
"You mean...?" said Jim.
"Yes," said Tom. ... "They need monosodium glue to mate!"
Posted from Profusions of Puns Gaggles of Groaners
MORE EVIDENCE THAT THIS WORLD IS
POPULATED BY IDIOTS
1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after
he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face,
seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's
head.
3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its
workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to
Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so
graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the
screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after
he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a
$500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time
police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to
complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about
Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to
have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier
with the shredder.
7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington, DC, then a few days later accompanied
his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich.
She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his
name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the
lunch hour.
8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message,
"He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each
time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie
detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the
cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused,
so the robber called the police and was arrested.
10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a
steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought
the vehicle to a stop.
From Kasha Linka
TRUE FACT ...
Humans begin laughing at two to three months of age. Six year
olds laugh about 300 times per day, while adults laugh from 15 to 100 times per day.
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