 Dog Talk -
Two poodles were chatting.
"I can't figure it out," said the first dog. "I'm in
perfect physical shape, but I'm constantly anxious."
The second dog says, "Why don't you go to a psychiatrist?"
To this the first dog remarks, "How can I? I'm not allowed on
the couch!!"
Things You Don't Want to Hear
During Surgery:
Better save that. We'll need it for
the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Rats, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off!
What's this doing here?
That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
Ooops!
REMEMBER WHEN...
A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show.
A window was something you hated to clean...
and Ram was the cousin of a goat.
A byte was something you took when you ate,
Meg was the name of my honey....
Hardware was used to lock a door...
Gig was a musician's job for money.
An application was for employment,
A program was a TV show....
A cursor used profanity,
A keyboard was a piano.....
Compress was something you did to garbage,
Not something you did to a file...
And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to a fire,
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived....
A backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife,
Paste you did with glue....
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
Don't
worry about the world ending today... It's already tomorrow in Australia. Unless you're in
Australia... (then start worrying). |
Hunting Bear
A pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the
mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor
stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the
bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one
direction and breaking both legs.
As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what
I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a Christian."
Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its
paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am about to receive.
SOURCE: David R. Darrow drdarrow@m1.sprynet.com VIA Bill's Punch
Line.
Good News Bad News
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his
paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that
a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after
your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
TRUE FACT ...
Humans begin laughing at two to three months of age. Six year
olds laugh about 300 times per day, while adults laugh from 15 to 100 times per day.
SOURCE: NYT, Dr. William F. Fry, Stanford
University |
The amount of hair covering ones head varies from one
individual to another. A average person has about 100,000 hairs on their scalp. Most
redheads have about 90,000 hairs, blonds have about 140,000 hairs. Brunettes fall in
between these two figures. Each hair grows about 5 inches every year. Most people shed
between 50 to 100 hairs each day.
