THE REST –    December 20
  

TODAY'S QUESTION

In Christmas celebrations in the U.S. Southwest, streets are often decorated with farolitos. What are they?

Previous Question and Answer: 

Question:  What historic resort town in Virginia restricts its Christmas decorations to items that colonial people would have used? 


 Answer: Williamsburg 

 

Questions and answers from: J. Stephen Lang, The Big Book of American Trivia (Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc, 1997).

Merry Christmas

Christmas Quotation, Fact and Inspiration.

What would you like to hear them say?

Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to an orientation in heaven. During this orientation, they are all asked, "When you are in your casket  and friends and family are mourning upon you, what  would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say . . . . . LOOK, HE'S MOVING ! ! ! !".

From: Kasha Linka

Another exciting episode of........"Stupid Criminals" or "The gene pool definitely needs chlorine."

Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, "Yeah, that's the woman I robbed."

In Nashville, they tell of Fred "Junior" Williams, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.

In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran -- but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall. Unplugging it, he tried again, but a diner decked him and called police.

In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine theft spaid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.

Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. He said he'd stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable.

In Lawrence, Kansas, officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes.

In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.

From: Kasha Linka

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The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first:  What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?    Second, how many seconds are there in a year?  Third, what is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

St. Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?  Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!"

The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest!  That's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one" says St. Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....."

"Hold it," interrupts St., Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question," says St. Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name. Everbody probly knows it. It's Howard."

"Howard?" asks St. Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?"

Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks St. Peter, "Which prayer?"

"The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest: "Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."

From: Kasha Linka

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

It was the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode
  only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
  The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
  while visions of Nintendo 64 and Barbie, flipped through their heads.
  The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
  with a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
  So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
  which made her sigh, "Now what's the matter?"
  With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
  she descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
  He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
  "Oh great," muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug."
  "Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake."
  "Your gift was especially difficult to make."
  "Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone."
  "Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."
  "Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."
  "A clone?" she asked, "What good is that?
  Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat."
  The mother's twin. Same hair, same eyes,
  same double chin. "She'll cook, she'll dust, "
  she'll mop every mess. You'll relax, take it easy,
  watch The Young & the Restless." "Fantastic!" the mom cheered.
  "My dream come true! "I'll shop. I'll read., I'll sleep a whole night through! "
  From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
  "Mommy?! I scared... and I 'm wet."
  The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
  "Hey," the mom smiled, "She knows her part."
  The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune,
  as she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon.
  "You the best mommy ever. " I really love you."
  The clone smiled and sighed, "I love you, too."
  The mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal. "
  That's my child's love, she's trying to steal."
  Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear, "
  Only one loving mother, is needed here."
  The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
  "Thank you, Santa, " for clearing my head.
  I sometimes forget, it won't be very long,
  when they'll be too old, for my cradle-song."
  The clock on the mantle began to chime.
  Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time."
  With the clone by his side Santa said, "Goodnight.
  Merry Christmas, Mom, You'll be all right."

A subordinate claus.!

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