THE REST –    December 28
  

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22 (NIV)

COLLECTION OF EMERGENCY ROOM REPORTS.....
from Sculpt2

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in daycare three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

A woman hires a man to do some work around the house.

"I want you to paint the porch out front ", she instructs.

The man goes out the front door and returns in 20 minutes.

"All finished", he announced.
" How in the world can you be done in such a short amount of time?" she asks.

"Well I am," he snapped.  "And by the way, that 's not a Porsche, that's a Ferrari."

Most people hate to parallel park.  The other day, I saw   this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space.   She'd   bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind    her.  This went on about 2-3 minutes.

I walked over to see if I could somehow help.   My offer was   declined though.  She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not   going to use them once in a while ?"

A butcher is working, and really busy.  He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away.  Later, he notices the dog is back again.

He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth.  The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill.   So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button.  Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change.  They do, and he walks across the
road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.  The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus.  The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat.  Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.  The butcher,
by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs.  Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind  legs, pushes the button to stop the bus.  The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and
the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house.  He walks up the path,   and drops the groceries on the step.  Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door.  He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself  -whap!- against the door again!  There's no answer at the door,  so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.  He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times.  He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door.  The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy.  "What the heck are you doing?  This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"  To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye.  This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

One Day after Christmas 

It's one day after Christmas I'm crabby and I'm broke
I'm so full of ham and fruitcake I think I'm gonna croak
It's nice to see the relatives I wonder when they'll leave
They've been camping in my bathroom since early Christmas Eve
They're eating everything in sight and sleeping in my bed
I been sacked out in the basement with my beagle Fred
The relatives have all gone out and left their screaming brats
The toilet bowl is all plugged up and I can't find the cat

It's Christmastime at my house the relatives are here
They eat me out of house and home and drink up all my beer
I love the decorations and the sleigh bells in the snow
But I wish those pesky relatives would take their kids and go home

Those cookie crunchers fed the dog a twenty pound rib roast
His feet are sticking in the air like skinny old fence posts
Now they're in a free-for-all the girls against the boys
They're fighting over boxes 'cause they're bored with all their toys
My mother-in-law is snoring in my favorite TV chair
Those kids are stringing lights on her and tinseling her hair
I oughta wake her up before the fireworks begin
But I wanna see those blue sparks fly when they plug her in

It's Christmastime at my house the relatives are here
They eat me out of house and home and drink up all my beer
I love the decorations and the sleigh bells in the snow
But I wish those pesky relatives would take their kids and go home

When all else fails manipulate the data. 

Daily Miscellany Comics

Phill Bower

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