1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

7. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

8. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analysing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please dont misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report):

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

3 A room temperature IQ..

4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

5. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

6. Bright as Alaska in December.

7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

8. So dense, light bends around him.

9. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

10. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

12. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:

1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

2. I would not breed from this officer.

3. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

4. He would be out of his depth in a car parkpuddle.

5. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

6. This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

7. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

8. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

9. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

10. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

11. This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.