President Clinton, Michael Jackson, and others have been accused of reinventing themselves recently, and I must confess that I, too, am guilty. What virtue is there in never questioning, never reassessing, never changing? I have changed my mind about some frivolous things in my life--that was easy. But when it came to rethinking my religious convictions--it was an odyssey.

I stood at the kitchen sink in a rented house in North Carolina in 1973 and marveled at how new the world felt after my conversion; my born-again experience was the beginning of a fifteen-year journey into the dark, seductive world of Christian fundamentalism. At first it seemed a philosophy of enlightenment, the source of all freedom and truth, the cure for all human ills. My sins were forgiven; Jesus was my friend, my confidant, my savior. I experienced a period that born-again Christians call growth, as I studied the Bible and prayed for answers to all my questions. I was devoted and sincere.

When the novelty of my conversion started to fade, however, I began to experience a great deal of anxiety. I was hyperaware of every tiny infraction, every "un-Christian" thought, every shadow of insensitivity that was not "worthy" of the name of Christ. I felt guilty, morally bankrupt, and hopelessly inadequate. These feelings were reinforced by exhortations to "godliness" from the pulpit that fell heavily on my defeated spirit. Prayer became a chore, but I continued going through the motions. I questioned everything. Doubts and frustration about the senseless and selfish prayers of the Christian community surfaced. I felt as though we were all trying to manipulate a God who couldn't care less.

By 1988, I was miserable. The religious right was on the rise and I was at odds with its cruel agenda, disgusted by the paranoid finger-pointing that was rampant within its ranks. For the religious right, evil was everywhere--from Care Bears to rock 'n' roll. Worse, the leaders of the movement were falling left and right (mostly right), caught in the clutches of greed and sexual misbehavior that made a mockery of their piousness.

I questioned the goodness of a God who appeared so removed from the world in general and the arrogance of a chosen few who claimed to enjoy his special favor. If there was a God, why didn't he make himself clear? And why didn't my faith make sense anymore?

When I sought a divorce in 1988, my fate was sealed. Divorce was forbidden; I was breaking a vow made before my heavenly father. Seeking out evangelical Christian groups which ministered to the divorced and separated, I discovered that their primary goal was to heal and mend the original union. Lonely divorcees called, urging me to abandon the divorce proceedings. When I informed them I intended to proceed, I found no friendship or support.

After two years, my divorce was granted, and I separated myself from the church. A five-year journey out of darkness then began, as I gradually relinquished my faith. At the same time, I began learning and growing in a fresh and exciting way, breaking away from codependency and the religious addiction that had enslaved me.

Soon I was a freethinking person--free to believe what I found rational and what made sense to me, free of the bondage of crippling indoctrination and mind control. How ironic--I could finally understand the title of the gospel song, "Free at Last, Free at Last!" The chains that had slowly strangled me, choking my individuality and uniqueness, were gone. Those people I left behind will assign to me the responsibility for the "failure" of my faith. Not one will consider the possibility that the problem lies within the faith itself.

Today, my faith is correctly placed in humanity and myself. "If it's to be, it's up to me" makes a lot more sense than praying and waiting for a distant entity to arrange my life. Whether or not there is a God, I cannot say, but if there is, it is a far different god than any religion, past or present, has conjured up. Religion was created not by God but by people--created to control and impose morality on society and to interpret what people could not explain.

But religion as a force for establishing or maintaining morality is actually unnecessary, as morals and values can be taught outside the framework of faith in a supreme being. Most humans value the concepts of fairness, justice, honesty, respect, kindness, and responsibility--even if they are too weak to practice them. Throughout history, society established rules for the well-being of the community and the individual.

Neither is religion the source of morality. The immorality of some who claim to be righteous and holy, as well as the goodness of those without religion, demonstrate this. Morality and religion are two separate ideas and, while they sometimes overlap, they are truly independent. Furthermore, religion encroaches upon freedom when it proclaims there is only one true faith and attemts to convert or destroy all those who will not follow. This is not morality but immorality of the most dangerous and cruel kind.

Religious organizations can be, in ignorance and bigotry, the enemy of freedom. Frightening though their agenda may be, however, their members are not my enemies but my fellow human beings whose freedoms must also be protected. To this end, I am dedicated to fight not against any person or group but for freedom and the right of every individual to possess it.