Quotes!
I collect quotes, mostly to add to my planner/diary, to make it a little more interesting. However, far from being scarce, I find that my list of amusing quotes has gotten longer and longer, and may diary is running short of ages for them. So, for anyone interested, these quotes are contained below. There are lots, so I've tried to categorize at least some of them. Some, ok most, are pretty debauched, so if that doesn't appeal to you, I'd leave now. I must also say that I don't agree to the sentiments expressed in some of them, but mostly I do find them quite funny. Enjoy... Or try to...
Love, romance, marriage, and the like.
A bad romance is like a river in summer; wet, shallow, and meandering for so particular reason.
A Curse: May the love of your life be born in another age.
I love pointless effluent. It seems to love me.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
To live is like to love - all reason against it and all healthy instinct for it.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute, if he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you wont be needing him again.
Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prelude to a very dull play.
You can marry a widow, but know the risk.
Religion, and all things even vaguely related.
An apology for the Devil: it must be said that we have only heard one side of the story, God has written all the books.
My point is that there ain't no origin of the universe.
This is the first truly pagan age A lot of people don't even know the name of the church they're saying away from.
Terror, like charity, begins at home.
When channelling negative energies, try not to point them at anyone, and never do so during a thunderstorm, or while talking on the telephone.
If lawyers can be disbarred, and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, politicians devoted, and dry cleaners depressed?
Blessed are those with the gift of tolerance, for when they finally do their block, it can be very entertaining indeed.
Do not turneth you back on the person who hath forsaken thou. Hand gestures are more readily interpreted.
Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on thee and I'll forgive thy great big one on me.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
A little known fact: there was a fourth wise man who was turned away for bringing a fruitcake.
Hey Fatso! I don't care who you are, get your reindeers of my roof.
War.
Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them!
Who ate my commanding officer?
We will achieve this with every legitimate means - diplomacy, skirmishes, major battles, or total war.
"I never got any complaints" - Assistant Commandant of Auschwitz.
We decided that no one would waste a nuclear bomb on New Zealand.
Debauchery... That and sex.
God gave Man a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to operate one at a time.
The human body must have been created by an engineer, why else would you have a waste treatment plant otulet right next door to a recreation park.
You bear the seeds of your own destruction, but perhaps it's time to talk fertilisers.
You'll never be alone if you give a dog a bone...
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
My mother used to say, Delia, if S-E-X ever rears its ugly head, close your eyes before you see the rest of it.
I love American movies because they stick to the story. In France, they send you a script, and there are always half a dozen pages without dialogue, just instructions on how to undress.
If you drink and drive all the way home without being caught, you're a bloody genius.
Lock up your cows and clench your buttocks.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
If you mixed Vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Chastity - the most unnatural of all sexual perversions.
Dealing with people.
People upset me. The less I see of them, the better.
I hate to be interrupted in the middle of an insult.
If you can't say something nice, don't hold back.
We're English, we're the best at everything, so we're gong to have lots of rules.
None for all and all for me!
I don't suffer from stress, I'm a carrier.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
People are like sausages: it's what's under the skin that's important. So poke them with a fork periodically.
I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Tired? Lonesome? Unhappy? Need help and guidance? Please, just go away and stop pestering me!
If at first you don't succeed, throw a few tantrums.
If you take an oriental person and spin them around several times, do they become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Alone: In bad company.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
Insanity!
Out of my mind... Be back in five minutes!
For people who like peace and quiet: The phoneless cord.
I'm not entirely happy with the shape of the current egg.
I think nuclear power under water will spread like wildfire.
Wigs? Well let's face it, the whole thing's a cover-up.
Hope knocks! Why were you down at the laundromat?
One should avoid talking to oneself. If one does, however, definitely don't pay attention, and never answer back.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars and though to myself "Where the hell is the roof?"
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
My reality check bounced.
Intelligence and stupidity.
Blow your mind. Eat dynamite.
Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
You're slower than a herd of turtles, stampeding through peanut butter.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Knowledge is all very well but rank stupidity is often rewarded surprisingly richly.
Life and death.
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a fire, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.
After all, murder is just evtroverted suicide.
May your life be like toilet paper... long and useful.
Anything can happen, but nothing ever does.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
The tree of life has many branches, although sometimes it can seem completely rooted.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
He'd make a lovely corpse.
Inspiration. And uninspiration.
Whenever I feel the need for exercise coming on, I lie down til the feeling wears off.
I am confident, but then I am always confident - perhaps that's one of my weaknesses.
I've got so many inhibitions I sometimes wonder if I exist at all.
Riches will not stop you from being unhappy, but I would still rather cry in a Jaguar than an autobus.
There's no justice, there's just us.
The young know everything, the middle aged suspect everything, and the old believe everything.
Let us take history by the scrotum.
Take time by the foreskin.
Shit or get off the pot. - Mao Tze Tung
There be those who can, those who will, those who have, and those who just crap on and on about it.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The more things you try, the less you're good at.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough.
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons, coz, like, you're crunchy and taste good with tomato sauce.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Someday we'll look back on this and plough into a parked car.
Miscellaneous other things.
Sydney badly needs another harbour crossing, preferably before tomorrow morning.
We are the most effluent nation on Earth.
Adelaide tap water, too thick to drink, too thin to plough.
Art is whatever you're prepared to pay for it.
Ok, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Thought for the day: What will I wear tomorrow?
And finally...
If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
Many thanks to Nai who found many of these quotes for me. Thanks also to Daisy who, upon reading this page, found a bunch more quotes for me to add.
Poetry!
Friends!
The Doug Anthony Allstars!
The National Youth Science Forum, and Young Scientists of Australia!
Photography!
Email me!