Gramma Green's Gardnin' Corner
Ah knows y'all herd 'bout 'em on every garden show on the tee vee. Them fancy city fellers, talking' 'bout all that prahm lumber, an' martered corners. . . Shee-yit. Ah knows 'exactly what y'all did 'bout it, too. You'ns sat on yore hind ends an' just' lissen'd to 'em talking. Can't do no gartnin that a way.
Ah knows what y'all figger, too. Y'all figger when it come time, yore ole row-toe-tiller 'll rip the dirt up fer ya. Then y'all figger ta jus' plop them little seeds 'n' seedlin's in the dirt, throw sum water on 'em oncet in a whahl, and fergit 'em, raht? After all, them's just' plants, raht? Sun, water an' dirt. That's all thay need, raht?
Nope, knucklehead. If'n that's all thay needed, y'all wooda got more'n 6 t'maters last year.
Dirt ain't just' dirt. Sum dirt's good fer trees, othah's good fer vegy-tables. Grass's even different still. Different dirt's got different newtree-ants. Sum ain't got no nahtrojen, sum gots no zink. If'n y'all kin just' plop them babies in the dirt an' they grow, well, y'alls got Lleear's own luck. That boy can grow anything. But don't y'all push it. Yore dirt grows enuff, yer gonna wear it out, then yore dirt'll be jus' lahk ev'ry one else's.
Raht now, y'all needs ta git up off'n yer lazy butts an' start forkin' cow paddies 'n' chicken droppins (spesh'ly the chicken droppins) an' the com-post ah knows y'all were tending' all winter, raht? Anyways, fork all that on yer garden patch, 'n' take that fancy row-toe-tiller an' y'all gonna get a real workout, o'er, 'n' o'er, 'n' o'er agin.
But if y'all want real purty flahrs 'n' vege-tables 'n' such, there be only one way. Razed beds. An' iffen y'all do it raht, it'll be easier, too.
Furst, find yerself some lumber. Ah don't mean no fancy store-bought stuff, neither. Ah mean all that scrap an' ole fahr-wood y'all got throwed back a' the shed. Anyways, take that there wood an' outline some flat areas, 'bout 10 feet by 20 feet on the ground (What!? Y'all thought mebbe ah ment a cupple feet up in t' air?) Anyways, make all the parts touch each other, an' be 'bout 6 ta 10 inches haih. Spahk 'em, so the don't slahd 'round, none, iffen ya need ta. Try ta pull alla them weeds in that boxed area.
Now y'alls need ta go down ta the Wal-Mart stoh, since y'all gonna need summa that-there black plastic sheeting', an' since y'alls dirt is prob'ly dayd dirt, bah some a them big, fancy bags a dirt. Each 10x20 foot square'll need 8-10 bags. They'ms got two q-bik foot a dirt in each'a them bags. Now, don't fergit yer gonna need manure, too. Get y'all three bags o' manure, speshully chicken shit com-post. When y'all get home, break open the manure bags an' spread the manure down first, all over yer 10x20 foot box, then, folla with alla that soil, and spread it out even-like. Then water real good, an' spread the plastic sheeting' out, an' 'tack it t' the edges if'n ya need ta.
Now, is the tahm, t' do that plantin'. Poke li'l holes in the plastic, so's ya kin plant them seeds, or burry them seedling's in the dirt. Now water lahtly one more tahm. If'n y'all do all this, just' lahk ah tell ya, yore flahrs going' t' look lahk they come out'n a florists shop, an' y'all 'll get honeydews the size o' yore hayd. Best o' all, next year, them razed beds'll still be soft as buttah, an' any par-anyuls an' bulbs ya planted will be strong an' haylthy bah the tahm they get t' yore dayd dirt, an'll prolly live, anyways. Saves on water, too, for those of y'all who's got to spend good money on ya water. An' best of all, it's easy t' snatch them weeds out.
See, sometimes bein' lazy's mo' work, huh? Speekin' of lazy, mah naybor Suckelos is still bein' a butt. I figger ah'm going' t' plant some more o' them Morning' Glory's over by his feyence, an' see if he makes himself sick agin, lahk he did last year. Hehehehe....
Is this bettah? Lotta y'all com-playnd at me last tahm, said y'all couldn't read it! Well, this tahm ah used one'a them-there spell-checkers. Does it show?
Y'all keep yer socks dry!
Gramma Green
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