"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." - Douglas Adams

"We demand guaranteed rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty." - Douglas Adams

"There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." - Douglas Adams

"Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so." - Douglas Adams

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." - Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless, 1992

"God's final message to his Creation: We Apologise For The Inconvenience" - Douglas Adams, So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish

"Arthur: 'It's at times like this I wish I'd listened to my mother.' Ford : 'Why, what did she say?' Arthur: 'I don't know, I never listened.'" - Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"In the beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people very angry, and has been widely regarded as a bad idea." - Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up." - Muhammad Ali, quoted in New York Times

"I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there." - Fred Allen

"A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year." - Marty Allen

"I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen

"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet." - Woody Allen

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying." - Woody Allen

"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." - Woody Allen

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me." - Woody Allen

"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank." - Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - Woody Allen

"Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman." - Woody Allen

"Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman." - Woody Allen

"The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you." - Woody Allen

"There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network." - Guy Almes

"The shortest distance between two points is under construction." - Noelie Altito

"Middle Age - When you want to see how long your car will last instead of how fast it will go." - Anonymous

"If you put a billion monkeys in front of a billion typewriters typing at random, they would reproduce the entire collected works of Usenet in about...five minutes." - Anonymous

"Want to make your computer go really fast? Throw it out the window!" - Anonymous

"Never argue with a fool - people might not know the difference." - Anonymous

"Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same." - Anonymous

"By the time a man realises that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he's usually wrong." - Anonymous

"I inherited my ability from both my parents; my mother's ability for spending money, and my father's ability for not making it." - Anonymous

"Mummy, mummy, what's an orgasm? I dunno. Ask your father." - Anonymous

"As I was leaving this morning, I said to myself 'the last thing you must do is forget your speech.' And sure enough, as I left the house this morning, the last thing I did was to forget my speech." - Rowan Atkinson, Live in Belfast

"A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep." - Wystan Hugh Auden

"A small town is a place where there's no place to go where you shouldn't." - Burt Bacharach

"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." - Dave Barry

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." - Dave Barry

"I saw a notice which said, 'Drink Canada Dry' and I've just started." - Brendan Behan

"Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago." - Bernard Berenson, Notebook

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours." - Yogi Berra

"Baseball is 90 percent mental and the other half is physical." - Yogi Berra

"Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job." - 'Bits & Pieces'

"If I'd known I was gonna live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." - Eubie Blake

"If your project doesn't work, look for the part that you didn't think was important." - Arther Bloch

"I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it." - Ashleigh Brilliant

"Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove." - Ashleigh Brilliant

"Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth." - Ashleigh Brilliant

"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right." - Ashleigh Brilliant

"Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is." - Ashleigh Brilliant

"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target." - Ashleigh Brilliant

"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." - George Burns

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." - George Burns

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair." - George Burns, quoted in Life

"The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him." - Cher

"'Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea!' And if you were my wife, I would drink it!" - Sir Winston Churchill

"I am ready to meet my maker. Whether my maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter." - Sir Winston Churchill

"This is the sort of English up with which I will not put." - Sir Winston Churchill

"Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result." - Sir Winston Churchill, The Story of the Malakand Field Force

"Marriage is a wonderful invention. But, then again, so is the bicycle repair kit." - Billy Connolly

"Human beings are the only creatures on Earth that allow their children to come back home." - Bill Cosby

"Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places." - E. Joseph Cossman

"The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." - Clarence S. Darrow

"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it." - Clarence S. Darrow

"A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you're talking big money." - Everett M. Dirksen, attributed

"Ye can lead a man up to the university, but ye can't make him think." - Finley Peter Dunne, Mr. Dooley's Opinions

"The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children." - Edward, Duke of Windsor, quoted in Look

"A man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. He sits on a hot stove for a minute, it's longer than any hour. That is relativity." - Albert Einstein

"My name is only an anagram of toilets." - T. S. Eliot

"When a woman behaves like a man, why doesn't she behave like a nice man?" - Edith Evans, quoted in The Observer

"Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's in trouble." - Dennis Fakes

"A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her." - W. C. Fields

"Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler." - W. C. Fields

"After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse." - W. C. Fields

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it." - W. C. Fields

"I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake-which I also keep handy." - W. C. Fields, quoted in Corey Ford's Time of Laughter

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it." - W. C. Fields, quoted in John Robert Colombo's Popcorn in Paradise

"A consultant is someone who takes your watch away to tell you what time it is." - Ed Finkelstein, in New York Times Magazine

"If they try to rush me, I always say, 'I've only got one other speed - and it's slower.'" - Glenn Ford

"I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor

"The truth will ouch." - Arnold H. Glasow

"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be." - Graffiti

"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people." - Graffiti

"Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence." - Graffiti

"Always be sincere, whether you mean it or not." - Graffiti

"If at first you don't succeed, cheat!" - Graffiti

"We experience moments absolutely free from worry. These brief respites are called panic." - Cullen Hightower

"I'm not against half naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be." - Benny Hill

"Avoid all needle drugs - the only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon." - Abbie Hoffman

"They asked Jack Benny if he would do something for the actor's orphanage - so he shot both his parents and moved in." - Bob Hope

"Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series." - Bob Hope

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." - Bob Hope

"If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf." - Bob Hope

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." - Bob Hope, quoted in Life in the Crystal Palace by Alan Harrington

"People have discovered that they can fool the devil; but they can't fool the neighbours." - Edgar Watson Howe

"I haven't been wrong since 1961, when I thought I made a mistake." - Bob Hudson

"Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good." - Samuel Johnson

"Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own." - Doug Larson

"The honeymoon is over when he phones that he'll be late for supper - and she has already left a note that it's in the refrigerator." - Bill Lawrence

"A child of five would understand this. Send somebody to fetch a child of five!" - Groucho Marx

"Did I ever tell you how I shot a wild elephant in my pyjamas? How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know." - Groucho Marx

"I never forget a face, but I'll make an exception in your case." - Groucho Marx

"I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

"Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member." - Groucho Marx

"Send two dozen roses to Room 4 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill." - Groucho Marx

"She got her good looks from her father - he's a plastic surgeon." - Groucho Marx

"Silence is not only golden; it is seldom misquoted." - Bob Monkhouse, Just Say a Few Words

"Par is whatever I say it is. I've got one hole that's a par 23 and yesterday I damn near birdied the sucker." - Willie Nelson

"The two most beautiful words in the English language are : 'Cheque enclosed'." - Dorothy Parker

"If all the girls at the Yale Prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised." - Dorothy Parker

"That woman speaks eighteen languages and she can't say 'no' in any one of them." - Dorothy Parker

"I was the first woman to burn my bra - it took the fire department four days to put it out." - Dolly Parton

"I have great faith in fools, self-confidence my friends call it." - Edgar Allan Poe

"If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered." - Edgar Allan Poe

"It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?" - Ronald Reagan

"Failing to be there when a man wants her is a woman's greatest sin, except to be there when he doesn't want her." - Helen Rowland

"A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you." - François Sagan

"A drama critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned." - George Bernard Shaw

"Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children." - George Bernard Shaw

"I have every sympathy with the American who was so horrified by what he had read about the effects of smoking that he gave up reading." - Henry G. Strauss

"Truman's Law - If you can't convince them, confuse them." - Harry S. Truman

"I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it." - Harry S. Truman

"It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression when you lose your own." - Harry S. Truman

"Names are not always what they seem. The common Welsh name Bzjxxllwcp is pronounced Jackson." - Mark Twain

"Nothing seems to please a fly so much as to be taken for a currant, and if it can be baked in a cake and palmed off on the unwary, it dies happy." - Mark Twain

"There is no distinctly American criminal class, except Congress." - Mark Twain

"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." - Mark Twain

"I know I can quit smoking because I've done it a thousand times." - Mark Twain

"The report of my death was an exaggeration." - Mark Twain, cable from London to a New York newspaper

"Everyone is in awe of the lion tamer in a cage with half a dozen lions - everyone but a school bus driver." - Unknown

"A child prodigy is one with highly imaginative parents." - Unknown

"If at first you don't succeed, don't take any more stupid chances." - Unknown

"I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults." - Gore Vidal

"You got to have smelt a lot of mule manure before you can sing like a hillbilly." - Hank Williams

"Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure." - Earl Wilson

"If you put a billion monkeys in front of a billion typewriters typing at random, they would reproduce the entire collected works of Usenet in about...five minutes." - Anonymous

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines." - Benfield, John

"The best computer is a man, and it's the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor." - Braun, Warner von when asked if man can be replaced by computer in spaceflight

"The Americans will always do the right thing... after they've exhausted all the alternatives." - Churchill, Winston (1874-1965)

"Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper." - Crisp, Quentin

"I had to quit my job to have time to read my email." - Curry, Adam [MTV Host and net.legend] his occasional signature quote

"The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them we are missing." - Nasser, Gamel Abdel

"Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm? Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one." - Peterson, Norman [Norm!] in 'No Help Wanted', 'Cheers'

"Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson? Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody? Woody: For a beer? Norm: No, for stupid questions." - Peterson, Norman [Norm!] in 'Let Sleeping Drakes Lie', 'Cheers'

" 'Students?' barked the Archchancellor.
'Yes, Master. You know? They're the thinner ones with the pale faces? Because we're a *university*? They come with the whole thing, like rats...'"
- Pratchett, Terry in 'Moving Pictures'

"Why yes, a bulletproof vest!" - Rodgers, James W. ( -1960) (American criminal) his final request before the firing squad

"Indians are plenty smart. We catch small wood. Build small fire. Stand close and stay warm all over. White men not so smart. They catch big wood. Build big fire. Stand far away, burn face and freeze ass." - Seely, Henry

"We not lost, house lost. Don't worry, Henry find." - Seely, Henry

"I always wanted to be somebody. I guess I should have been more specific." - Tomlin, Lily

"College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink." - Unknown

"I may not have a perfect body but I have some excellent parts on it." - Unknown

"Seen on the bathroom walls of Concordia University: 'Ignorance is bliss.' and right underneath it... 'I don't know what this means but I'm happy.'" - Unknown

"This is no time to make new enemies." - Voltaire (1694-1778) when asked on his deathbed to forswear Satan

"If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the airport." - Winters, George

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" - Wright, Stephen