by: various people, known and unknown
CONTENTS
Being a Witch
Being a Student Witch
Being an Air Force Witch
Being Married to a Witch
Being a Witch's Neighbor
Being aGoddess
Being an Organic Gardening Witch
You Know You are in Trouble When
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No one ever said that it would be easy being a Witch. In fact, with the current fundie
harassments, legal opposition, the loss of our children by the misguided police and the
potential loss of our jobs because we are not 'politically correct', it is a tribute to the
Goddess that any of us remain.
But there are some problems that are almost insurmountable....
Trying to type a Ritual on the computer and having the cat walk on the keyboard.
Spending six months weaving the most beautiful Altar cloth you can imagine, then having someone spill wine and candle wax on it during it's first Ritual.
Deciding to Work Skyclad because you keep burning your Robe on the Point Candles and Bonfire.
Learning what control really means when you bend over the Altar, Skyclad, and smell burning pubic hair. (Rick Johnson)
Having the neighbor ask you if you have been born again, and replying that you have, indeed, been born again... and again and again and again....
Telling your christian neighbor that you have indeed been born again... and again... and again... and....
When a xian tells you that you should be reborn, and telling him that you already have been a number of times. (Jim in Winchester)
Hoping that the High Priestess is careful with her Moon Crown as she gives you The Five-fold Kiss. (Rick Johnson)
Trying to explain to the Realtor why you need an extra bedroom at least nine-feet in diameter.
Then telling that same Realtor that you can't take that perfect house that is so affordable, because the fireplace is in the west instead of the South.
Setting up a Circle in the park and discovering that there is a bee hive nearby.
Loaning your brand new Japanese cherry coffee table to the Coven for an Altar, and watching the Coven joker accidently drive his Athame into the surface. (Rick Johnson)
Doing an outdoor midnight ritual and having the neighbor call the cops, thinking that you're a prowler.
Saluting the Goddess at the Watchtower with a Sword and poking a hole in the Temple ceiling.
Deciding not to wear your new Horned Helmet to the outdoor Sabbat because it's deer hunting season.
The Coven joker hides everybody's street clothes, and it's a Skyclad Circle.
Trying to go home after a skyclad Circle and discovering that the Coven joker has hidden all of the clothes.
Just buying lots of suntan oil instead of spending a fortune on a fancy wardrobe to impress people at church. (Jim in Winchester)
Having people tell you that they don't believe in Witches, and responding, "That's OK, I don't believe in christians."
Casting the Circle for the first time and being so proud with yourself for doing it right... then looking down to discover that you're wearing your Robe inside out.
Wondering how to get rid of the result of your latest love spell.
Seeing a girl at the supermarket. She's wearing a Pentagram, a silver High Priestess Bracelet, a runic belt buckle, a Necklace of acorns and has the Goddess tattooed on her shoulder and is wearing a t-shirt that says 'Sexy Witch'. So you go up to her and ask, "Are you in the Craft?" and she hisses back, "Shhhh! It's supposed to be a secret!"
Going to sleep during visualization exercises.
Getting a new familiar... who isn't housebroken.
Realizing that your grammar is not so bad, now that you've read something by Ophiel.
Gavin Frost recalling his dildo to check for structural defects.
The inside info on why a pope decided to be called Pendaren I.
Eleven cops and the sheriff on your doorstep, asking for Initiation.
Reading Aleister Crowley with a straight face.
Hiding your bible when your new friends drop in (and displaying it when your parents come to visit).
Actually reading through The White Goddess.
Working magick every day... just for the hexercise.
Trying to remain Gardnerian after mid-winter.
Your parents install a smoke alarm... in the room you've been using as a Temple.
Your cat eats the mugwort growing in the window box... and starts having visions.
Queuing up for the Ritual bath in order of Initiation.... because the High Priestess is trying to get all the hot water.
Taking a Ritual Bath at the Covenstead when seven other Witches have just been in the tub.
That cold shiver when you learn that your High Priestess (a karate expert) couldn't find her Scourge.
Being dragged to an outdoor Halloween Sabbat... Skyclad.
Acquiring a reputation after you accidently sat down on the Cauldron.
Having to cut a gate in the Circle to go to the bathroom.
Explaining to the fireman that the smoke billowing from under your door is only incense, and that you were burning incense because you were casting a....
Seeing your past incarnation.. as a postal clerk.
When you use Cord magick and find yourself all tied up.
Having to actually try to fit 13 people into a nine foot Circle.
Six bottles of wine under the Altar... with two inches left in each.
Toasting the Goddess so often that you've become a borderline alcoholic.
That sinking sensation you get when you accidently drop your Athame point-down and then notice that you can't move your left foot.
Having a nice Winter Sabbat where your High Priest gets a new Horned Helmet and two minutes later, he gores you in the ass.
Not being able to argue with the High Priestess without getting flogged.
Suddenly realizing just how long it takes to hand copy a Book of Shadows.
Learning never to schedule a Circle on a good TV night.
Having to share the bus stop with 4 born-agains, 6 jesus freaks, 14 Hare Krishnas, 9 moonies, 2 garlic lovers and a Theosophist... none of whom have change for a $20.
Buying an abandoned traffic circle to use as the first drive-in Covenstead.
Spending three months trying to learn Theban because the Book of Shadows that you're copying is written in it.
Trying to convince the police that the baggies that they found were really full of consecrated herbs.
Not being able to banish a spirit because the animal whose shape it assumed is on the endangered species list.
Trying to remember the combination of herbs that turned your tea strainer into gold.
Explaining to the doctor how your Athame slipped from your hand and stuck into your foot.
Having a christian Realtor list your house- "Owner pays closing, buyer pays exorcist."
Explaining to the school principal that your child could not have possibly been the one who changed the teacher into a frog since she isn't Initiated to a Degree that permits her to do such spells.
Declining an offer by the neighborhood kids to mow your lawn, because you simply do not go around putting that kind of spell on school teachers.
Explaining to your boss that you have to leave early on October 31 because it is "a day of holy obligation."
Having your Altar set up for a Samhain Ritual, and having non-Crafters come to visit... and then you say, "Are you going to believe me or your lying eyes?"
Trying to explain to your roommate that he has to leave because it is the Full Moon. (Rick Johnson)
Discovering that you engraved your Athame with the wrong symbols.
Falling to the ground after a wild dance and sitting skyclad on a bee.
Spending all Spring cleaning out the back yard for an Outdoor Beltane Circle... and then a bunch of jesus freaks move in next door.
Constantly being asked why your 'jewish star' only has five points.
The knowledge that, no matter what, you are right and the un-initiated are WRONG... WRONG... WRONG!!!!!
Before you can become a Witch, you have to learn the religion...
Trying to find an acceptable definition of sex magick to tell your spouse.
Trying to get out of a Full Moon because it falls upon a Saturday night.
Looking over the list of topics to be covered in the classes and thinking that if you learn all of those things, that indeed would be magick.
That feeling of dread when you go to class and the High Priest says, with a glint in his eye, that those who did not do their homework will be turned into toads, and you didn't do yours.
Asking, "Do I have to read all those books on the book list?"
Complaining about nature walks because you are a city girl.
Trying to remember the difference between Elements, Elementals and Elementaries.
Of course, defending the country when you are a Witch poses certain problems as well...
Trying to explain to your TI during Basic Training that The White Goddess is a religious book. (Rick Johnson)
Doing an outdoor Sabbat on Base and having the Security Police search your Circle for the drugs that they are certain that you must be on. (Rick Johnson)
Being told that it is illegal to have on base: knives, swords, incense, candles,... (Rick Johnson)
Going on War Games during the Full Moon and having the Goddess tell you just before a battle that you aren't allowed to kill anyone. (Rick Johnson)
Having your obnoxious roommate move out when your refuse to remove your Pentagram necklace. (Rick Johnson)
Trying to explain to your new roommate that he has to leave because it's the Full Moon. (Rick Johnson)
Resisting the urge to put a hex on that irritating squad leader. (Rick Johnson)
Having to explain to your Commanding Officer that you are not responsible for the accident that befell your subordinate, even though he is a stupid fundie who destroyed your Altar. (Rick Johnson)
Having to fight your way through the system for months just to get your religion changed from 'No Rel Pref" to Wicca. (Rick Johnson)
And then that thrill that you get when you look at the fourth line on your Dog tags and see the word, "WICCA". (Rick Johnson)
Those weird looks that you get when you meditate in uniform. (Rick Johnson)
Volunteering for guard duty on Sunday morning because the entire flight is being marched to church. (Rick Johnson)
Having the Lt. yell at you for wearing your Pentagram outside your shirt while on a work detail and having him ignore the next guy who has his cross in the same place, (Rick Johnson)
Trying to figure out how to get commissioned as a Wiccan Chaplain. (Rick Johnson)
Using PK to weld that stubborn brace. (Rick Johnson)
Trying to explain to your supervisor that they are digging in the wrong place because you used dowsing to locate the object five feet away. (Rick Johnson)
Digging a trench and then acting like a fool because you found a Holy Stone... with a crescent shaped hole. (Rick Johnson)
Having your sergeant ask you to 'put the fix' on the other Squadron's softball team just before the game. (Rick Johnson)
Doing an outdoor Sabbat while on war maneuvers and having to use Combat Boots and BDU's for a robe, a bayonet for an Athame, a canteen for a Cup, water for Wine and an M-16 for and ???, then getting that warn sensation that tells you that the Goddess is STILL with you. (Rick Johnson)
Of course, it isn't easy being married to a Witch if you are a christian.
Asking your husband to hide his Altar because your parents are coming to visit.
Going to church regularly because he NEVER misses an Esbat or Sabbat.
Promising to give him a Skyclad Handfasting if he will give you a church wedding. (Rick Johnson)
Getting upset when the kids prefer Wicca to your religion. (Rick Johnson)
Refusing to allow the kids to participate in his rituals because they might enjoy them too much. (Rick Johnson)
Holding your ear to the wall to see just what she does in there with her Witch friends.
Terrified that your wife may try sex magick with her High Priest.
Beating him up when he jokingly asks you to get him a 'host'. (Rick Johnson)
Being afraid to take her to church because she may end up arguing with the priest about the ordination of women...because she has been a High Priestess for ten years.
Not wanting to hang a crucifix up because he may want to hang up a Pentacle.
Being invited to the cakes and Wine Feast after the Samhain Rite and being the only one who doesn't Libate to the Goddess. (Rick Johnson)
Going on a crash diet before you Handfast him because you don't want those Witches to think that you are fat. (Rick Johnson)
Knowing that you can never argue the bible with her because she knows more about it than you do.
Peeking over the fence to see what all those naked people with knives are up to.
Seeing your Witch neighbor cross himself and say; "Glasses, zipper, credit cards, cash."
Of course, have you ever considered what it is like to be worshipped all the time...
Having to argue karma with a Witch who happens to be a lawyer.
Not being able to speak through the HPS at a Sabbat because she thinks that You'll possess her like some kind of demon.
Not knowing what the HPS looks like because she never lifts her face out of the Book of Shadows.
Trying to learn more uses for Rue, because it chases fleas and you have a half-acre yard which will take at least a dozen bushes to cover. (Ellen in S. California)
Making herbal flea collars for four cats, four kittens and a Malamute puppy. (Ellen in S. California)
Of course, being a Witch isn't all wonderful, you can get into trouble when you belong to this religion.
A great rush of wind blows out all the candles even though the windows and doors are closed... leaving you in total darkness....
You're not certain that you pronounced the name of the spirit that you are calling up correctly... and there is a sudden horrible smell.
You take an astral trip and can't remember where you left your body.
You reach for a cake and notice that it has legs and is moving.
To contact me or to request topics to be covered, send to RikJohnson@juno.com
by: Rick Johnson 
PO Box 40451
Tucson, Az.
85717
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