by: Rick Johnson 
PO Box 40451
Tucson, Az.
85717
RikJohnson@juno.com
concept created by Rick, Shea, Clint and Lisa
We got the idea from a Dilbert cartoon one day. The basic plot of the cartoon was that
Dilbert, a perennial loser, was about to date a woman and glad he was at that. She
replied that she was also glad because of her reputation as a Witch and her proclivity of
turning people into lawn ornaments.
So Shea said, "What a great idea." We can turn our ex's into tacky lawn
flamingos!" She was going through a rough divorce at the time.
Clint remarked that he thought that this may be a violation of the Wiccan Rede,
"You know, 'Harm None'."
"Well," commented I as their spiritual leader. "On the surface this may be true," I
was still hurting from my divorce as well and so understood, "but are we really 'hurting'
anyone or simply allowing their true inner selves to reveal themselves through a surface
transformation?"
"But why should we stop with your two ex's," broke in Lisa. "Not all of us have
an ex to get rid of." Lisa and Clint were happily married and showed it, much to the
disgust of those of us who were frustrated on a daily basis. "How about ex-boyfriends?"
"Or noisy neighbors!" broke in Clint.
"Wait a minute!" I interjected. "If we expand the idea to almost anyone who
irritates us, our front lawns are going to get real crowded real fast."
And so the topic of conversation shifted to other subjects such as Shea wanting to enclose her back porch and my offering to do the work if she would buy the materials. And then Clint mentioned that it would be nice of they could afford to do that to their place.
"You know," mentioned Lisa almost as an after thought. "We could sell them."
"Sell what?"
"The lawn ornaments." she answered. "That way our ex's would have a good
home and we'd make some money out of it... all for a good cause, you know..."
We all looked at her and my thoughts, at least, never even considered the
possibly that we may be doing something wrong. After all, I was still paying off my ex's
credit cards and had been eating top ramen five times a week courtesy of her business
loan and business taxes that I also had to pay off.
And that is how it all started. Shea fronted the initial set-up cash. Clint and I rebuilt
the inside, Lisa and Shea decorated and so was born GARGOYLES 'R' US.
I admit that initially I had second thoughts about inventory. After all, I had spent
most of my life married and so didn't have that many ex's. Lisa was a recovering mormon
and so was pretty limited in experience herself. Clint had been a drummer in a punk
band so had a ton of ex's but most had only lasted a night so there really wasn't enough
time for him to really have a bad experience with anyone.
But once the word got out, we really had no trouble keeping the place stocked at
all. We even made extra cash selling our.. 'services' as it were. Goddess, if people ever
managed to get along with each other, we'd go bankrupt.
Of course there were some minor problems like the time that IRS agent showed up to
audit us. He was a typical bureaucrat too, "I notice that according to your records, you
manage to sell a half-dozen of these things every day, BUT, there doesn't seem to be any
entry as to where you buy them or how much you put out in inventory. Just the usual rent
and utilities sections. I guess I'll just have to close you down while we investigate
further."
"I don't think so," I replied. "Hey Lisa, we need another price tag STAT!"
Or the time when some irate mother began to yell at Shea, "WHERE IS MY SON!!!!
He was just here a minute ago!!"
Shea was very calm with the customers. "Are you talking about the obnoxiously
loud child in the plad shirt?" After all, you never know when you can make a sale.
"THAT'S THE ONE AND HOW DARE YOU CALL MY ANGEL
OBNOXIOUS!"
Shea was quite relaxed, I love her for her attitude, as she mentioned that
he was on Isle 3, top shelf and she could have him back for only $19.95.
And, of course, the missing persons department was always sending a cop around... once. But for the most part, we did quite well. We are even thinking of branching out into Phoenix, but for that we do need to convince a couple of our people up there to get off their ***'s and realize that there are more constructive ways to deal with a bad relationship than complaining.
To contact me or to request topics to be covered, send to RikJohnson@juno.com
by: Rick Johnson
PO Box 40451
Tucson, Az.
85717
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