compiled by: Rick Johnson 
from various sources
PO Box 40451
Tucson, Az.
85717
RikJohnson@juno.com
CONTENTS
Wiccans
Miscellaneous Pagans
Miscellaneous Groups
Astrology
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Return to the Humor page.
These are the modern one liners that Witches love to tell. Obviously they show a deplorable lack of respect for ourselves.
WICCANS
How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb???-
*None.. they call the electrician who's also pagan and keeps the money in THEIR
community.
*Four. One for each direction.
*None -- if a candle was good enough for Grandma it's good enough for me!
*It depends on what you want to change it into.
How many Witches does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
*None, they do it in Great Rites.
How many Gardnerians does it take to change a lightbulb?
*I can't say. It's oathbound.
*Sorry, that's a Third Degree secret.
*I can't tell you-- you're not a Third Degree Initiate.
*(in a low ominous tone) Why do you want to know ... Initiate?
How may light bulbs does it take to change a Gardnerian?
*None, they can do it all by themselves, thank you very much!!
How many years does it take a Gardnerian to change a light bulb?
*A year and a day in an Outer Grove, a year and a day at first level, a year and a day
at Second level, but only Third levels change light bulbs.
How many Protean Witches does it take to change a lightbulb?
*I can't tell you, we never change a light bulb the same way twice.
How many Proteans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
*How many will fit?
How many Alexandrians does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Same number as Gardnerians.
*Dunno- we haven't looked it up in the Gardnerian Book of Shadows yet.
*13. One High Priestess to change the bulb, and 12 to hold her up under all that
jewelry.
*Let's go see how the Gardnerians do it.
*Alexandrians don't screw in light bulbs.
How many years does it take an Alexandrian Witch to change a light bulb?
*That's the maiden's job. Maiden- make it so.
How many Dianic women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
*That's W-I-M-M-I-N, and that's not funny!
How many Dianic Wiccans does it take to change a light bulb?
*Are you making light of The Goddess?
*Just one and it's NOT FUNNY!!!
*Four. One to change the bulb, two to run the creche and one to check that no men
have sneaked in.
*Only one, but that bulb has really got to want to change.
*(any large number here). One to change the light bulb, one to prepare the
environmental impact statement, and the rest to do a self-criticism afterwards....
How many years does it take a Dianic Wiccan to change a lightbulb?
*You can change it whenever you are empowered to do so.
*Not sure........ we'll call Z. Budapest and get back to you.
How many Celtic Witches does it take to screw in a light bulb?
*None, Celtics only do the Symbolic Great Rite.
How many British Traditional Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
*13. One to change the bulb, and 12 to mourn the passing of the old bulb.
How many Family Trads does it take to change a light bulb?
*Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for us!
*Go ask your Grandmother!
How many Starhawk Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
*(plaintively) There are starving villages in Africa that don't even HAVE light
bulbs.
How many years does it take a Starhawk Witch it take to change a light bulb?
*Well, if you are in a coven it depends on how hard you study, but you can do it now
if you are Solitary.
How many Solitaries does it take to change a light bulb?
*(If they actually ask, "How many?", drum your finger and stare at them as you wait
for them to grasp the obvious)
*Who cares!
How many years does it take for a Solitary Witch it take to change a light bulb?
*How many years does it take to get one out of the closet?
How many Frostians (School of Wicca) does it take to change a light bulb?
*(Enthusiastically) Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you
our complete "Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course" with real
knowledge that you can apply to ANY light bulb ANYwhere! Listen to the testimony of
a young couple from Wisconsin who .....
How many years does it take a Kitchen Witch to change a light bulb?
*Already changed.
How many years does it take a White Light Wiccan to change a light bulb?
*Look deep within and find your true essence. That will tell you how long it will
take.
How many Buckland Witches does it take to change a lightbulb?
*"Refer to my book "Practical light Bulb Changing" by Raymond Buckland.
How many Eclectics does it take to change a light bulb?
*They don't bother, they're used to working in the dark.
How many Aradianic Faerie Witches does it take to screw in a light bulb?
*At least two, but they've got to be really small to fit in that light bulb.
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MISCELLANEOUS PAGANS
How many Pagans does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Six. One to change it and five to sit around complaining that light bulbs never
burned out before those christians came along.
*Three or thirteen or nine or five... There's No Wrong Way! But as soon as we all
get here.... wasn't circle to begin at two? it's 3:30, we can check in and all suggest and
think about it...
*I think it's three, magickal number you know...
*Who is casting? Do we have enough candles to see to put the new bulb in? Maybe
we should wait 'till the full moon..
*I don't know if tying ribbons on the bulb and rotating as if it were a May Pole will
do, that's another Sabbath...
*Lets see, counterclockwise to banish... clockwise to bring in ... no I don't think we
should sprinkle sea water on the new bulb before we put it in...
How many Erisians does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Err... How many have we got?
How many Discordians does it take to change a lightbulb?
*A blue fish Tuesday.
*2. One to hold a ladder and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored East
German machine tools.
*Five tons.
How many IOT's does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Sorry, that ritual is copyrighted.
How many Druids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
*They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in stone circles.
*501. One to change the bulb and 500 to align the new stone.
*Thirteen. One to screw in the bulb and twelve to chant in Gaelic.
*Thirteen; one to hold the bulb, and twelve to drink enough to make the room spin.
How many years does it take a Druid to change a lightbulb?
*21, unless you're Irish.
How many ADF Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
*Six. One to change the bulb, one to write a song about how much better the old
bulb was, and four to write conflicting parodies of the second Druid's song.
How many NRDer's (New Reformed Druids) does it take to change a light bulb?
*14. One to do it, one to write poetry about it and 12 to hold a council and decide
whether or not the poem's authentic.
*How many Asatruar does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The light from the burning monastery is sufficient, thank you.
How many Odinists does it take to change a light bulb?
*21. One to hold the light bulb and 20 to drink until the world spins.
How many CUUPS (Covenant of Unitarian Universalist Pagans) members does it
take to change a light bulb?
*Don't know; the Board hasn't met.
*Members? The members don't do anything!
*Oh, they've been left in the dark so long, they forgot what bulbs are for!
*None. The bulb is never used because CUUPS is kept in the dark.
*The budget doesn't allow for lightbulbs, except at GA.
*Members can't change light bulbs! Only ministers have the know how.
*None. It's not in the bylaws.
*We can't tell you; it's a matter of ministerial privilege.
*Two -- Co-chairs only.
*Five, but there's only four votes.
*One, but don't expect childcare.
*Two: the Co-chairs hold the bulb, and the universe revolves around them.
*"It's just isolated troublemakers. None of the other members mind the dark."
*First pay your dues, then we'll let you get your hands on the lightbulbs.
*Quick, Dave, check the FAQ!
*Five percent to declare the old bulb dead, 2/3 of at least 20% to effect a change.
*The ex-Co-Coordinators must pay the electric bill before the Board will discuss the
light bulb.
*Sorry, the Board wants to keep members in the dark.
*Until the Board sees the light, L&L have impounded the bulb.
*None, we'll get Alana to do it for us.
*We're waiting for the Post Office to forward the shipment of light bulbs.
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MISC GROUPS TO OFFEND EVERYONE
How many toads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
*One, if you can remember which one used to be the electrician.
How many Tantrics does it take to change a lightbulb?
*2, as long as the lamp is by the bed.
How many Ceremonial Magickians does it take to change a lightbulb?
*One. They hold it up and the world revolves around them.
*One; he stands still with the bulb, and the universe revolves around him.
How many New Agers does it take to change a lightbulb?
*(in a flaky voice) We don't use light bulbs, we just think happy thoughts at our
crystals and they glow.
*Five. One to change it and four to share the experience.
How many years does it take for a New Ager to change a light bulb?
*Well, it takes many years, unless you pay $650 US non-refundable, Visa or MC
accepted. Then you can do it after the weekend intensive training seminar.
How many Boulderites (Boulder, Colorado) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
*None. They just join self help groups to learn to live with darkness in their lives.
How many Shamans does it take to change a lightbulb?
*None. They just change shape into a cat or bat, and can see in the dark.
How many Native American Wannabees does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Two. One to drum until someone realizes that their spirit form is a working light
bulb, and one to sell the old bulb at an exorbitant price.
How many Thelemites (Aleister Crowley's desciples) does it take to change a light
bulb?
*None, every one of them is a star.
*93.
*None. Thelemites embrace the dark as well as the light.
*None. Real Thelemites aren't afraid of the dark.
*None. Crowley never wrote a book about it.
How many Golden Dawners does it take to change a light bulb?
*One to hold the ladder, one to hold the bulb, three to decipher the Light Bulb Ritual
from the Secret Chiefs, one to publish it and one to sue all the others.
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
*Two. One to change it, one not to change it.
How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?
*Three. One to screw in the bulb, one to not screw in the bulb and one to neither
screw nor not screw in the bulb.
*None. The universe changes the light bulb & the Zen Master gets the fuck out of
the way!
How many Isians does it take to change a light bulb?
*Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to handle publicity and one to write the
newsletter.
How many sex magickians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
*They don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw on the Altar.
*Only two, but they have to be very small.
How many Kabbalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
*261.
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ASTROLOGY
How many astrologers does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Don't ask me now, Mercury's in retrograde.
How many Aries' does it take to screw in a light bulb?
* Only one, but it takes a hell of a lot of light bulbs.
* Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
* None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
* Only one Arian, but an awful lot of light bulbs. (smash)
How many Taurus' does it take to screw in a light bulb?
*What, we move?
*One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten course meal and some
great sex.
*None: Taureans don't like to change anything.
*One, but just try to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be
thrown away.
How many Geminis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
*2.
*Two. Plus a portable phone, an Internet link and a copy of the "Bluffer's Guide to
Changing Lightbulbs."
*Two (of course) but it will take all week and when they're done the light bulb will
do your homework, speak French and shine any color you want from it.
*Two, but the job never gets done --- they just keep arguing about who is supposed
to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
How many Cancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
*Only one, but he has to bring his mother.
*Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
*Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!
*None: A Cancerian would worry herself to death with the problem.
How many Leos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
*A dozen. One to change the bulb and eleven to applaud.
*Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to
do the job for them while they're out.
*One: He holds the bulb, and the world spins around him.
*None: A Leo would order somebody else to change it.
*None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.
How many Virgos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
*One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install and two engineers
to check the work.
*Virgos don't have time to change their own lightbulbs. They're too busy changing
them for everyone else.
*Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
*Let's see: One to spot the bulb, one to record the time the bulb burned out and the
date it was bought, one to decide who's fault it is the bulb burned out and ask why that
brand was chosen in the first place, ten to decide to remodel the house as long as they're
changing the bulb ...
How many Libras does it take to screw in a light bulb?
*Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.
*Er, two. Or maybe one. No --- on second thoughts, make that two. Is that okay with
you?
*Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?
*Well gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on the bulb and where it burned
out. It might perhaps take just one if it's just an ordinary bulb, but maybe two if the
person doesn't know where to find a new light bulb, or perhaps ...
How many Scorpios does it take to screw in a light bulb?
*None, they like the dark.
*None --- they'd rather sit in the dark.
*So who wants to know? Why do you want to know? Are you a cop?
*That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the
Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
How many Saggittarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
*One to install the bulb and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.
*Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay?
*The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and
you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?
*A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long enough for them to give the
bulb a quarter turn apiece.
How many Capricorns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
*The light's fine as it is.
*None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs --- unless they're a legitimate business
expense.
*I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
*None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out again tomorrow
anyway.
How many Aquarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
*Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?
*Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...
*A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring
light to the world.
*Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking me to do all your work
for you? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.
How many Pisceans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
*What light bulb?
*Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
*Huh? The light's out?
*None: only the inner light matters.
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To contact me or to request topics to be covered, send to RikJohnson@juno.com
by: Rick Johnson
PO Box 40451
Tucson, Az.
85717
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