by: Rick Johnson 
PO Box 40451
Tucson, Az.
85717
RikJohnson@juno.com
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by: Rick Johnson
WHAT IF...
Have you ever wondered what would happen if O.S.H.A. were to be given authority over religion? With their authority to interfere in the business of business what would they do with a religious ritual?
From: Robert H. Howley, O.S.H.A.
To: Appollo, High Priest, Western Church of Wicca
Dear Sir;
First, please allow me to transmit my gratitude to your church for the courtesy
extended to my office during this investigation., As you are aware, the new rules
governing safety have been extended to the religious areas, thus causing an enormous
overload in my office. It is a pleasure to find a Church that cooperates so readily with the
government.
Next, my investigation of your religion brings to point a number of safety hazards
which I am sure can be ironed out. Please rest assured that I am not attacking your
religion, that is the job of the I.R.S. My job is to be certain that your followers may
worship in safety and comfort. To this end, I have decided to send you this informal
letter listing a few of the more dangerous situations that we saw during the practice of
your rituals. I am certain that after you have removed the dangers listed, we can proceed
with the hearing to allow you your charter.
1). We noted that you use a knife in your rituals, and feel that even though it is dull and blunt, the waving of this tool may accidently poke out an eye. We suggest that you remove it altogether or replace it with one made of foam rubber.
2). The Magick Wand that you use may possibly strike someone on the head and therefor we suggest its removal or replacement with foam rubber as stated in item 1.
3). You use too many candles in your rituals and scatter them in inappropriate places; on the Altar is moderately safe but those about your Circle are definitely unsafe. They may cause a fire on the carpet or grass or curtains. The robes that you often use may also catch fire or the worshippers may possibly sit upon the candles. We suggest that you replace them with electric lights; possibly those types that are used along runways, covered with foam rubber to prevent bruised toes. Also you may think of hanging them close to the ceiling instead of on the floor.
4). You seem to use a lot of incense in your rituals. This can be dangerous in an enclosed area due to the reduction of oxygen. Also it is possible that some of the worshippers may possess some respiratory ailment that could become aggravated due to the inhalation of the fumes. We suggest that if you must have incense, you provide an exceptionally efficient method of drawing the air from the room during the rituals and replacing it with fresh air from outside.
5). Wine is definitely an intoxicant and should be removed from the rituals due to the possibility of someone becoming drunk and having an accident. We suggest that you replace it with grape juice or kool-aid.
6). We are alarmed with the dangers of working nude, or Skyclad as you call it. We realize that your Goddess tells you to be so, but as a safety hazard it is far too dangerous. It can lead to cuts, bruises, pneumonia and all sorts of medical problems. We find the wearing of robes to be almost as dangerous due to the possibility of stepping on another persons hem, tripping over them or setting them afire. We therefore suggest that you wear flame-proof leotards with steeltoed combat boots. Also you may think of wearing a safety motorcycle helmet as well.
7) Your ceremony of Cakes and Wine may be a feast for the Gods, but home cooked food is subject to all sorts of disease and food Poisoning. We suggest that you cater your feasts.
situation if someone were to trip. This could lead to bruises and possible broken
bones. We suggest that you sit in benches or chairs during the rite. The less movement,
the safer.
9) Your nine-foot-Circle is far too small to safely accommodate the number of people that you have. We suggest that you provide at least twenty square feet per person during your movements. For a Coven of thirteen people we suggest at least 260 square feet of floor space or a Circle with a diameter of about eighteen feet. We realize that this is a bit too large for the average home which brings me to a related point. The possibility of injury in a home is so great that we suggest that you hold your rituals in a convention center or buy a building for just that purpose.
10). Although we understand that ritual sex plays a great part in some of your rituals, and we are not concerned with the morality of the situation, we must bring to mind the obvious dangers that lie in this act. By this we mean venereal disease and pregnancy. If you persist in Ritual Sex, please wear a condom and spermicide during the ritual and have a V.D. check-up immediately before and after the ritual. Also you may consider keeping a health record of the members stating when, where and with whom you performed this rite. Also keep a record of everyone with whom your Coveners are sleeping with, just in case,
11). Have You considered insuring your Coven? A little insurance can ease a lot of the worries of lawsuits between your worshippers.
12). Finally, the most dangerous point of all. I understand that at certain times during the ritual, you call your God and Goddess to possess you. May I mention that if all goes well, there is little to worry about, but what if something goes wrong? You could be possessed by something not as nice. Need I remind you of what happened to Linda Blair in the movie The Exorcist? I strongly suggest that you remove this part from all rituals due to the impossibility of sufficient proven safeguards.
Well, Mr. Appollo, these are just some of the most obvious problems that come to
mind. I am certain that after these are solved, we can find many others. Eventually, we
will be able to make your religion one where everyone may worship in perfect safety.
Again, I must apologize for sending you a letter and not meeting again in person
but we have just been given jurisdiction over the N.F.L. and I must point out some of the
safety hazards in football.
Until later;
Robert H. Howley
Occupational Safety and Health Administration.
When I originally wrote this piece, I meant it as a joke poked at the government. But
the real joke is that when published in its edited form in the Georgian Newsletter (the
award I won for it is on the wall above my computer) one Witch took it seriously and
wrote a nasty letter to the Department of Occupational Safety and Health Administration.
This is one of my favorite pieces because I won a writing award for it, it is the first
thing I ever sold and because it was such a good joke, that it affected someone who was
not involved.
To contact me or to request topics to be covered, send to RikJohnson@juno.com
by: Rick Johnson
PO Box 40451
Tucson, Az.
85717
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