by: Rick Johnson 
PO Box 40451
Tucson, Az.
85717
RikJohnson@juno.com
In honor of the ascension of cardinal ratzinger ( head of the office of the inquisition that killed so many Witches, pagans and anyone else who disagreed with the pope) to the office of the pope, Delia suggested the ratzinger rat-slinger. This sounded like a good idea so we immediately initiated research and development of such a device.
Report on the Cardinal/Pope Ratzinger Rat-Slinger project.
Design of the Ratzinger Rat-Slinger went well, using as a prototype a reduced size medieval ballista of proven design.
Initial problems occurred when it was discovered that there was a possibility of harming the subject rats. Consultations with the SPCA produced a projected solution by kidnapping nuns form the local convent and placing them down range with thick pillows to catch the rats as they landed.
Initial difficulties included
A: the rats being upset with being slung across the heavens,
B: the reluctance of the nuns to catch said angry rats,
C: the rats scratching and biting then escaping the nuns thus forcing us to collect more rats from the sewers. Attempts to convince the nuns to work harder in catching the slung rats was generally ignored. ( note that medical treatment of the injured nuns was not covered by our SPCA contract or budget so said treatment was ignored.)
After the severe injury of 14 bishops and 27 nuns due to a: being struck by angry rats and b: the initial clumsiness of nuns who had no baseball training and so tripped over their habits and fell into cholla cactus, thus resulting in a noted lack of volunteer catchers, we shifted perspective and designed the rat-parachute which seems to work well.
Range of the slung rats exceeds 500 meters with a maximum altitude of 100 meters thus allowing rats to be slung over the highest cathedral walls.
The rat-parachute works well though early opening does reduce range and altitude but reduces rat injuries which is of maximum importance.
We therefore feel that the Cardinal Ratzinger Rat-Slinger to be a useful addition to every person’s home and at $199.95 plus S&H (rat-parachute extra and required) well within the financial scope of most pagans and even a few catholics.
Note: no rats were harmed during these tests though multiple nuns and bishops were severely scratched and bitten by scared rats. Slung rats were offered free trauma counseling and Dramamine.
DIRECTIONS:
Load rat-slinger arm to position B.
Wrap rat in patented Rat-Parachute and place rat in arm cup.
Pull release lever E.
As arm travels to position A, rat is released at position C to travel a tangential arc D towards target.
Rat-parachute opens at E allowing rat to return safely to ground.
Note: for safety reasons we require that all rats be offered Dramamine and air-travel counseling prior to being slung. Never sling any rat without a rat-parachute.
OPTIONAL ACESSORIES:
To contact me or to request topics to be covered, send to RikJohnson@juno.com
by: Rick Johnson
PO Box 40451
Tucson, Az.
85717
