· Pretentious IT experts are thrusting climatically ahead with plans to ‘ameliorate’ media web sites, reports the computer magazine Nerdplay. The Association of Overpaid Wankers (AOW!) includes IT departments from ITV, Channel 4, Carlton Communications, Granada and International Cabs R Us, and is chaired by Mr Silicon Chip, head of the BBC’s mutual masterbation division. Grandad will take part in a sweaty meeting of minds and bodies in the forthcoming weeks.
· Frisky taxi drivers have erupted over tasty cable operators, spreading disease and and pregnancies among unwilling participants, says The Independent.
· Nearly 250 000 million people took part last night in Carlton TV’s tittilation debate, which was described as the biggest ever poll on one issue, with absolutely everyone in favour of introducing hard porn to everyday terrestrial television, report today’s papers.
· A Christmas edition of the BBC sitcom Only Fools and Horses was watched by TV’s biggest ever audience - 24 000 000 000 000 000 000 000.3 million viewers - according to unofficial figures published tomorrow, report all of next week’s papers.
· LWT’s documentary-drama Buggering the Dead, presented by Sir Jimmy Saville, is to be screened on ITV on October 31st. The Express expressed concerns over the programme’s homosexual content, while The Mail mailed Grandad a used condom in protest.