Allysia was trapped on the 2nd floor of our house when the house caught fire.The fire was very quick and spread before anyone cauld reach her. She died in her room at 1pm, just two days after Christmas. Allysia was a special girl who always lit up the room when she smiled, which was often. She had a way of making us feel complete. She was a very special child during a already rough time in our lives.

I don't even know the person I used to be, I have many problems now, this killed the person I was, quite frankly, sometimes I could care less what happens to me. Everyone in our family shares one feeling it seems; guilt. Each of us blames ourselves for some part of this. My daughter was babysitting at the time and tried all she could to get to Ally and couldn't. When I got there, they begged me to save her, and I tried and couldnt get to her, after 10 or 15 minutes the firemen showed up and by the time they were set up, it was far too late. My wife Kelly suffers major depression and can't express many feelings. My young children often ask about Allys death. My older children still hide from it; they all have developed insecurities of one type or another. My youngest still has nightmares even two years later.

My remote family avoids mentioning anything about it openly. We are all still hiding it seems, destroyed with feelings of not being safe, and overreacting to even little problems. There seems to be a lot of anger brought on by fear and blame. I have some guilt about falling short of my role as protector, My wife starts crying in the middle of the day, some days my older kids just stay home and sleep, as all of us seem to have a depression that wont leave.

We are frustrated because we don't do holidays or special days that well right now. We just hang on and try not to go insane. We do a lot of hiding and looking for a bigger and heavier blanket to hide under, although we do talk to other bereaved parents to share and ease the pain. It seems as nothing takes the real pain away, and its always right under the surface waiting to blow out from one of us.

This year, for the first time we brought balloons and things on her death date, we avoided everything else, it hurts too much, then other problems come out, so we dont push very hard. We do talk to other parents who have lost children, in order to try and sort out what we feel.