Why do people say such things to us: "Time heals all wounds"; "You can have another baby"; "God needed another angel/flower"; "He/She was too perfect for this world:' "You'll be a stronger person for it"? If your mother dies, do people say these things to you? Do they tell you "You can get another Mother"; "Your Mom was too perfect, and God needed her"? Of course not. We see examples of how to act when parents, aunts, and other family members die. We are to be somber at the funeral, talk quietly, and not notice when others cry. Then we go home. For many, that's it. . . that's all of it.

One hundred years ago grieving processes were much different. Black armbands and clothes, a release from the social niceties of going out in public, parties, or even getting married for a minimum of a year. People respected the bereaved's right to mourn and grieve. In our now fast-paced, got-to-have-it-now society, the vast majority of people are not used to waiting for anything, certainly not for the grief work and attempted recovery that accompanies the catastrophic loss of a child, be it gestational, neonatal, or an adult child.

Although our education system teaches many things, such as the art of small talk and proper etiquette along with reading and writing, it has no requirement relating to death and loss and how to act and react to help others. Grief studies are an elective course at some colleges and universities, but not at a majority, and certainly those classes are not filled to capacity.

Caring, sensitive people try to help. They say those things already mentioned, and much more. In most cases, the attempt to help is genuine. In our grief, however, it is difficult not to judge those who make such insensitive and painful comments. Are they not causing more pain? Why should we care about hurting them . . . it's not THEIR child who has died! Onerous as it is, the burden of education falls on the bereaved. Who else knows how it feels--the processes and emotions we go through--but us? If the next person is not to get such comments, then we need to gently inform--respond kindly, attempt not to react but to act to inform them what a better statement or comment might be.

We need to educate the nonbereaved because they have what we need. We need a shoulder to cry on. We need people who are not afraid to say our child's name to us, who will acknowledge that a life was there. We need to be asked how we are, and be able to respond truthfully without the mask that we often show the world, hiding ourselves in an attempt to avoid even more heartache.

We need them to NOT say to us that we will be stronger, that we can have another. And we need them to NOT tell us that God needed another flower; he is GOD, after all. What could he possibly need our children FOR? Yes, we are stronger people. It is not a strength we wanted or chose. It is a strength we would gladly exchange to have our children back. The nonbereaved will only learn when we, the Bereaved, add to our already heavy load by accepting the task of educating others.

Only then will we hear: "I'm thinking of you and your child today" and "How are you, really?" and know that they truly mean it.

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