This is my
story...
A story of raw intensity
And bitter reality
That no woman ever
Expects to experience.
This is a graphic portrayal
Of an emotional rollercoaster
From which there was no escape.
Experiencing this has brought me
To understand and respect
The fragility of life
And has made me cherish even more
The living children that I have.
The blissful innocence of pregnancy
Has been torn from me
I don’t expect that any future
Pregnancies I may have will be as
Exciting or as tranquil as they have been
Knowing that at any time...
Not just during the first trimester
The precious life growing inside me
Could, for no apparent reason
Enter this world before its time.
There are many unanswered questions
That will remain unanswered.
Despite this, I know that in time
These wounds will heal,
And I and my family
Have been drawn closer together
And have become stronger
For having been through
The loss of our babies together.
As you read this
Tears may flow
And you may become
Uncomfortable with the emotions
That you will be exposed to...
Death of anykind is not easy
Much less that of a child.
For this I cannot not apologize...
Because this is mine.
I have to do this
I’m healing.
Healing my heart
Healing my body
Healing my spirit.
Healing...
With a gush of blood
My body began to empty
Painlessly, uncontrollably.
Forcing out the lives within
Expelling hopes
Killing dreams
As I lay still
Anticipating the inevitable
Angry at my helplessness
I was seeing red
Crimson Blood...
My babies...
Babies?
They were so small!
Unbelievable.
Miniature hands
Tiny feet
Heads I cradled in the
Palms of my hands.
Perfect...
But not so perfect.
Their cries were too soft
Their eyes sealed shut
Their little bodies bruised
I held them as they
Gulped the air like fish
Out of water.
My babies...
I had already let them go
Before they were born
I had resigned to the fact
They didn’t stand a chance.
That they would die...
Before their little lives had really begun.
But here they were...
Helpless.
Alive.
Strong.
Hearts beating.
I wanted it to be over.
I asked them how long...
From a few minutes
To a few hours they told me.
I felt impatient
Wondered if it might be easier
To birth dead babies.
I held them...unfeeling
How could I... love...
What could I have...done....
When could I....
Leave???
I wanted to leave.
Do you want to kiss them?
The doctor asked.
No......not really
But I did
One kiss on the nose
Covered the whole face
It just didn’t feel ...right.
They whimpered
I tried to comfort them
But my rocking motions must have
Felt like an earthquake
To their little bodies.
I spoke softly to them
Told them it would be alright...
Not to cry...
I held them on my chest
Wondering when they’d die.
Felt like sleeping.
Felt like vomiting.
Felt lots of pain
In my uterus.
Scraping, wrenching
Pulling my insides out in pieces.
Drugs.
I closed my eyes...
Do you want me to take them?
The nurse offered.
I was grateful.
Didn’t feel love.
Didn’t want to love something
That was going to die.
Too afraid.
They were already lost to me
My babies...
I was awakened
And told that my first baby had passed.
Her heart had finally stopped.
I went back to sleep
Relieved...
Again I was awakened
And told my second baby was
Still making an effort.
Did I want to stay...
Or should they move me to a
Recovery room?
I told them I didn’t care
I was drugged and sleepy.
Soon after I was told that
She had passed too.
Nothing mattered anymore...
I wasn’t pregnant.
I didn’t have my babies.
I couldn’t be with them.
Their last breaths were taken
In someone else’s arms.
I woke up hungry
Still all hooked up
Couldn’t go to the bathroom
Had to use the bedpan
Wanted to get on with life
Needed a shower.
Breakfast came.
I ate.
I showered.
The normalcy felt good.
I anxiously waited for
My family to come.
More than ever I needed
My children, my husband...
I needed to be needed
Wanted to be Mommy
Wanted to be Wife
Wanted to wake up from
This terrible nightmare.
Wanted to go home.
The nurse brought in the babies.
Little lifeless bruised bodies.
Tiny mouths turned as if
A shadow of a smile
Had passed across their faces...
They looked a lot bigger
Wrapped in blankets.
They wore peach colored hats
Fashioned from a tube of fabric
Tied off at one end with a rubberband.
They were cold.
They had spent their lifeless hours
Till morning
In the hospital refrigerator.
My babies...
I didn’t feel anything for them.
Numb.
I showed them to the family
We took pictures
And handed them back
Didn’t want them anymore.
Didn’t want to bury them
Or cremate them
Or take them home.
I didn’t kiss them goodbye
Didn’t want that sort of memory...
Home at last!
Flowers came
Food came
Cards came
People came.
Then more flowers
More food
More cards
More people.
Then my milk came in.
Milk.
I felt as if my breasts
Each held a gallon
Heavy
Painful
Useless milk...
I wore tight fitted bras
That helped some.
I couldn’t bear to hang free
Too painful.
Ice felt wonderful
But the pain didn’t go away.
Someone suggested cabbage
I wrapped my breasts in cabbage
For a day...
I would’ve tried anything.
But still, the hard hotness
Made me cry.
Tears came...
Beckoned out of me
By my physical pain.
An ocean of tears
Releasing me
Stinging my cheeks
Choking me
Drowning me.
A depth of emotions
Hurling out in sobs
I never knew I contained.
Salty tears...
The sadness of it all
Had finally set in.
I cried for my lost babies
My shattered dreams
My empty hopes.
I cried for the guilt I felt
For not knowing
How to love them
In their last moments
Of their brief life.
I cried myself to sleep
Every night for a week.
I cried at the mention of my pregnancy
The one that no longer existed.
I cried at every kind word
That people tried to offer
As they floundered, not knowing what to say.
I cried at the sight of newborns
I cried when the photo tech
Who developed my precious pictures
Asked how my twins were doing.
I cried whenever they told me
How strong I was...
How they admired me...
How well I was handling it all ...
I have cried oceans of salty tears
And I know there are oceans more
But little by little
Bit by bit
I am rebuilding my dam.
The tears can flow freely
Over the spillway
When I feel safe enough to open it
But they no longer are flooding
My life with sorrow.
I love and miss my babies now...
I will always love and miss them.
They have changed me and
How I will live my life
From today on.
Their memory will always be
A part of me,
The grief I feel for their loss
I will always carry in my heart.
But with these memories
And with these feelings
I am at peace.
Knowing that somehow
It wasn’t meant to be...
That there was nothing
I could have done
To prevent what happened.
Quiet peace...
I will go on from here
Go on with life.
My life having been touched
Deeply
By two little angels.....
Written by Jenifer Miller, age 27
mother of
Victoria, 6 1/2 and Ryan, 22mos.
Dedicated with love to my babies
Charlotte Mae Miller and Melissa Erin Miller
Born June 14th, 1997 Died June 15th, 1997
^i^ ^i^
Their gestational age was 23 weeks, 4 days when
they were born. Charlotte lived for two hours,
Melissa lived for four. They were due on
October 7th, 1997
Their little bodies were released for donation
to the science department of Stanford University.
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