†Ethan's House†
Our Angel.....
Shelby Ann
May 21, 1996 to August 10,1996
Shelby was actually due on Mother's Day 1996 but she had other ideas...guess she knew what kind of world she was being born into and just didn't want to come out! My labor was finally induced two weeks after her due date and a very painful 17 hours later she joined us in this world. Our older son George attended the birth of his sister and from the first moment she was born my "boys" fought over who would get to hold her first! It took us forever to find the perfect name for her and when we settled on Shelby it was a family decision. She was a beautiful even tempered child who really never cried, she loved to cuddle and cooed all the time. We used to do plays on her name Shelby using the word shell for sea shell for instance "shell be beautiful or shell be smart" . These days my husband and I argue over whether she was named after the car "Shelby" or the town where my younger brother lives in Mi. I feel she's always watching over us as our own personal guardian angel and even visiting upon occasion. When she drops in, the room will suddenly become filled with the most heavenly smell...
We lost to Shelby SIDS but she really had none of the risk factors associated with SIDS. First she was female, she was gaining very well, had even doubled her birth weight by 9 weeks and she was breastfed. The morning that she died was just like any other: she woke up between 7 & 7:30 to nurse and I brought her into bed with us. We all fell back asleep until I woke up at 9. From that first moment that I looked at her I knew she was gone. I started CPR and screamed for Rick to call 911. It seemed an eternity for the paramedics to arrive and I remember getting really angry because they didn't seem to be trying very hard to revive her once they did arrive. I found out later they had already decided she was beyond helping.
I will never ever be the same. There is a void in my life that will always be there, a deep abyss of looniness for my daughter. I also find I get very angry when I read about child abuse stories in the paper. I know everything happens for a reason but I have yet to figure out why a child who is so very loved as ours was is taken from their parents.
Our ten year old son George he is old beyond his years...has a maturity to him that no child his age should exhibit. He misses his sister terribly and holds back his emotions so he doesn't upset me. My husband still has not grieved. He has bottled all his emotions up inside himself and I fear one day it will either drive him crazy or he will explode. I think I am doing fairly well in my grief work. I have begun to reach out to others as a way of helping my healing. I created a web page for Shelby and that has helped me immensely. I almost had to create a tribute to our daughter so she will never be forgotten, our memories as humans fade so rapidly. I would recommend anyone doing a web page for their child as a sort of therapy.
My husband and I made the very personal decision to have another child. We now have a seven month old son but he is by no means her replacement nor was he intended to be, rather he is an indication of the deep love that we have for one another. I do think I have mothered him differently than I did Shelby. For one thing we choose to use an apeana monitor for him but I think it brought us as much grief with false alarms as comfort. While in the beginning I still nursed him in our bed I feel I stopped nursing him sooner than I might have had we not lost Shelby. I also can't sleep well when he is in bed with me. Rick has had a real hard time bonding with him. It has only been since Evan has passed the critical marker of her death age of 11 weeks that he has begun to spend more time being a daddy to his son. George is probably the most well adjusted of all of us. He plays with his baby brother so much! Evan adores his big bother and all George has to do is look at him to get a huge smile! Watching him grow and reach all the milestones that his "big sister" never reached is very bittersweet. For instance he just got his first tooth, he has real hair and has begun crawling and pulling himself up. It just hurts so much seeing him do things his sister was never able to do.
We do not do well with any special days. It's almost like we are enveloped in a fog of heartbreak. This is most hard on our sons because they deserve to have happiness and joy in their lives. I am afraid that we also spoil them rotten with material things in an effort to over compensate for our loss. We give the boy's everything within reason because there was so much we were never able to give Shelby. I did finally manage to decorate her grave for the first time this past Easter, putting an Easter basket up for her at the cemetery. This was a huge step for me and I remember how proud of myself.
There should be a guide to help parents plan the funerals of their children. I wish now that we would have taken pictures of Shelby and would advise every bereaved parent to do so even if you never develop the film you will have them if you ever change your minds. Also save something of your child's in a zip lock baggie. I so miss the "smell" of my baby Shelby! If only I hadn't spent all those weeks sleeping with her receiving blankets I might still have her aroma. Be easy on yourself as each one of us has our own timetable.
Don't let anyone tell you it's time to take down the crib or clean out your child's things; you will get to it when your ready. Be kind to yourself! If going to the cemetery turns you into a pile of mush don't go and don't feel guilty about it either. Our children are gone and we must take care of ourselves first and foremost. I can't and don't go very often as it upsets me far too much. I have Shelby with me each minute of every day I don't have to go visit the cemetery as a testament of my love for her. Besides only her physical body is there her spirit soars in the heavens!
Copyright 1997-2000 Ethans House,
Inc.
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