†Ethan's House†
Our Angel.....
Tony
09-01-88 07-04-96
Tony was a wonderful little boy.He was outgoing, friendly, had enough love in his heart for everyone in the world, and was smart as a whip! He actually DID learn to walk before he learned to crawl, strange as that may sound. He was writing his name at 3 1/2 years old and his grades once he started school were always straight A's. He had the cutest smile-you know the kind- Two big adult teeth in the front and a bunch of baby teeth surrounding them! He loved Cub Scouts, Sunday School, camping, swimming, presents, fireworks, bubble gum, and ravioli! He was a great big brother to his younger siblings, getting 'cuppies' for his younger sister and teaching his younger brother how to be 'cool'. Now all this bragging doesn't mean that he was perfect (even if I think he was!). He was also VERY spontaneous, and while it was often an adorable quality, it also tended to get him into mischief. And of course, there were the never ending fights with his little brother, the constant trail of toys, shoes, clothes, books, and those wonderful notes from school: Your child poked several holes in the bus seat with his pencil..... I miss every last bit of it!
We had rented a cabin at White Rock Mountain with another couple and their two kids for the Fourth of July holiday. We got there late on the evening of the 3rd and all settled in the cabin. The kids all ran around the cabin, jumped on the beds, hid in the closets, all those things that kids don't get to do at home. The next morning we all got up about 7:30 while our friends slept in. While I got the coffee started, Rick decided to go for a quick hike and scope things out since it had been getting too dark the night before. He invited both the boys to come along and Tony jumped at the chance to go for a walk with his dad, while Jeff decided that breakfast was more important. I will never forget the look on Rick's face when he came running back up the path to tell me Tony had fallen. I thought it was a joke, I thought Tony would pop up out of the weeds. It only took a couple seconds to figure out that I was wrong, though. While they were hiking, Tony spotted an old wooden cross about 21/2 to 3 feet high. He enjoyed going to Sunday school and as soon as he saw it, he dashed for it, even though he had been warned repeatedly to stay away from the edge. The cross appeared to sit about 3 feet away from the edge. Rick yelled and tried to stop him. When he got to it, he grabbed it and swung around it, the way you swing around a rail or a corner. Well, the cross was weathered and old. As soon as Tony put his weight on it, it snapped. When it snapped, it threw him to the ground and the cross that appeared to be sitting away from the edge was actually sitting on a little slope, disgusised by a bunch of tall weeds, with a lot of loose gravel and Tony slid over the edge and fell about 100 feet. Rick jumped off the cliff into a nearby tree and climbed down to help but there wasn't anything he could do. Tony lived about and hour and then died en route to the hospital. He had suffered massive head and internal injuries.
I would like to tell you that after two years everything has returned to normal, but it hasn't. I guess we just have a different kind of 'normal' now. I think the thing I have learned best from all of this is that life is short. I know that sounds cliche, but it's very, very true. I try to make the most of the time I have with my family now. I don't always succeed, but thats another story all together...lol! I have also gained more patience than I had before and believe me patience is definitely NOT my strong suit. I try to praise my kids more now, I want them to know exactly how much I do love them. I want to know that if anything should ever happen to myself or to them, that there will never be any question in anyones mind of how much love we shared. I don't think I have become overprotective, I mean, what happened was such a freak accident that it showed me ANYTHING can and does happen and no matter how protective you are, your world can change in the blink of an eye. You can protect your kids till the cowas come home and a plane could still fall out of the sky and make all your work for naught.
I believe that my relationships with my kids have definately improved and we have grown a great deal closer. I have made it clear to them that they can discuss anything with me and they usually seem comfortable doing so. My husband and I also seem to get along better, although we both seem to avoid talking about the accident with one another. Maybe someday that will improve, too.
My son Jeff has expressed the least remorse although he was actually the closet person to Tony. He did not cry at the funeral and to my knowledge has only cried once over his brother. Even then he didn't admit to the reason. It was the very first camping trip we went on as a family after Tony's death. He wanted to go exploring and all he had for a partner was his 3 year old sister. When I tried to get him to open up about his tears, all he would say was that he was "having a bad day" and that he "didn't know why". Crystal on the other hand, will talk your ear off about her brother, sometimes so much it hurts. She always manages to ask the toughest questions. My husband has had a hard time. I know he had a lot of guilt. I think, though, that he is getting past that. Well, I hope so, anyway. As for my mom, I have been lucky. My family has been very supportive and have been there for us since the day it happened. And I know that they will be there for us in the future any time we need them.
On holidays, we always take new flowers or trinkets out to Tony's grave. Sometimes I make the arrangements myself. It lets me feel as though I can still do something for him. For me, the days leading up to the holiday are always worse than the actual day because I spend so much time dreading it.
I don't know that I have any advice for other bereaved parents because one thing that I have learned is that everyone grieves differently. For me, the greif loop that I am involved in on-line has been a god-send. It gives me the chance to laugh, cry, sob, express myself, and hear from others in similar situations. And all from the privacy of my own home! I don't have the pressure of being in front of other people and being expected to act a certain way or say a cetain thing, etc. I guess the best advice I could give would be to give yourself time...don't expect too much from yourself. Find someone, anyone who cares and unload on them. The weight of losing a child is just too much for any one person to carry alone.
Copyright 1997-2000 Ethans House,
Inc.
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