Blindfold
The Angel Chronicles, #1
By Dianna, the BuffyOtaku
Disclaimer: Joss owns these characters and the settings, but the story is mine. Lyrics by Morcheeba. The song “Blindfold” can be found on their “Big Calm” cd. Don’t sue me.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: More angst-fic turns into a game of let’s-pick-Angel’s-brain. Don’t blame me -- DawsonOtaku made me do it!
I am so glad to have you
and it’s getting worse
I am so mad to love you
and your evil curse
Angel’s arms wrap around me, and I smile, swaying with him to the beat of the slow song. He buries his face in my hair and inhales. I feel strands being pulled into his nose, and it tickles my scalp. I giggle, and he pulls away from me to smile.
“What?” he says, and my breath is taken away by the look on his face. The love there is so astounding to me, even now, after all we’ve been through and all we’ve done to ourselves and each other, that my heart leaps into my throat and I’m sure it’s in my eyes, too, when I respond.
“My hair got tugged into your nose. It tickled.”
“You’ve got ticklish hair?”
“No, silly man.” I pause, at that, not meaning the implication. He’s not a man, never will be again.If he were a man, the course of our love would have run more smoothly. Of course, if he had stayed a man, we never would have met. I sigh. The course of our love would have run more smoothly? Too much time with Giles. “Ticklish scalp.”
“Oh.” He pulls me close again.
I sigh, and lean into his arms. We sway to the music until the song ends, then go back to the table where the rest of what’s left of the Scooby gang sit.
Xander and Willow are pointedly sitting a discreet distance from one another, even though it’s been six months since they were caught kissing. I roll my eyes at their stubbornness and plop down next to Will.
“So,” I say. “Where’s Oz?”
Xander rolls his eyes at my question. I chuckle to myself, Check out the jealous man.
“He’s at a gig in Monterey.” Willow replies. “I guess they were a big hit there.”
“Why didn’t you go with him?” Angel asks. I’m surprised at his question. He usually doesn’t ask anyone about their personal relationships. He says it’s because he’s got enough problems with his own unlife. I totally agree.
“There’s a waxing moon right now. Coven time.” Her red hair shimmies in the lights, and for a moment I can see Xander staring blankly at her. The love in his eyes stops my breath, and I feel sorrow for him, for what I may never live to see.
Angel says, “I thought witches usually meet during the full moon.”
“Willow. Boyfriend. Werewolf.” I say.
Angel’s eyebrows raise. I guess my irritation showed in the way I said it. He nods, then, sagely, knowing that he should have remembered.
“Buff.” Willow says.
“Will?”
“Can I borrow your boyfriend for a minute?”
I blink, then grin at her, realizing her meaning, her self-mocking tone when she says, “I promise I’ll bring him right back after this song.”
Angel grumblingly follows her onto the dance floor.
spring has gone
and summer is a-coming on
Willow drags me out on the dance floor, not quite kicking and screaming. I might as well be, though, because I know what she’s going to say.
“Are you going to tell her, like, ever?”
“I don’t want to.”
She frowns up at me, and I’m struck, yet again, by how much she’s grown since I met her, how her face has filled out, her lips and cheeks finely angled and delicate. She’s actually quite beautiful, especially under the golden lights of the nightclub
“Are you afraid?” she asks, concern skewing the planes of her face.
I nod. “What if she hates me?”
Willow jerks away and looks at me as if I’ve grown a second head. “What?” I say. “It’s a reasonable fear.”
“Uh, Angel?” She says softly. “Promise not to bite me?”
I grunt, knowing I’m not going to like hearing this, knowing what she’s going to say, but knowing I need to have it put in front of me. I nod.
“She still loved you when you were a killer. She killed you and she still loved you. So you’re moving away. It’s not the end of the world.”
“True,” I say. I hold her close, realizing now why Oz and Xander both were in love with her. And why I love her as a friend.
“You never told me why you were leaving.” She says, snuggling in to my shoulder.
“It’s too hard.”
“To tell me?”
“No,” I smile at her uneccessary concern for me. “To see Buffy. To see her all the time and know I can never have what I want and need from her. To be able to kiss her, be close to her, but never, you know...actually with her.” I sigh and run a hand through my hair. “It’s better if I leave.”
“Easier, you mean.”
“That, too.” I kiss the top of her head as the song ends.
“Promise me one thing?” she asks.
“What?”
“Don’t go without saying goodbye.”
“I won’t.”
“Good.”
We walk back to the table, and Xander glares at me, dragging Willow out to dance to yet another remix of some lame rap song.
Did I just use the word ‘lame?’
I look over at Buffy, and reach across the table to take her hand. “Wanna go for a walk?” I say. “There’s something I need to tell you.”
I’ve a plan to save you
from my misery
I’m a man too brave
to follow history
Buffy’s fidgeting with the stake in her pocket, and I’m steepling my fingers, and falling back into what she affectionately calls “brood mode.” She pauses, putting a hand up when she sees a rustling in the bushes off to the right.
A young couple stands up, adjusting their clothing, and, not seeing us in the shadows, they run, giggling, in the direction they’re facing. Sadness cuts through me sharply for a moment; Buffy and I will never have that.
“Get a room,” Buffy mutters.
I smile down at her, and she looks up, grins disarmingly back. Great. Has to make this harder, doesn’t she?
She sees my face cloud. “What?”
“It’s --well.” I run a hand through my hair. “It’s a lot of things.”
We’ve been walking past the park for awhile now -- hence the bushes -- and Buffy leads me to a deserted picnic table. I stumble on something, and Buffy catches me. “Don’t trip on the Chaos Demon.”
“Huh?” I say, looking down.
“I was on a picnic with Willow and Xander here, got attacked, killed it, buried it right there. You tripped on a tentacle.” she grimaces. “Or whatever’s left. Ewwwww.”
“Buffy,” I begin as she sits down on the top surface of the nearby table.
“Angel,”she says, motioning for me to sit down between her knees on the bench.
“This is really hard for me to say....” I begin. Her face falls as I tell her I’m leaving town, falls futher as I tell her why. Tears slip down her cheeks and she leans back on her elbows to look up at the moon.
I stand, then lean over her, I can feel the rise and fall of her breathing, her small breasts pushing into my chest. I kiss her tear-stained cheeks, her eyelids. Her lips are salty with tears, and they open under mine.
I am so glad to have you
and it’s getting worse
I am so mad to love you
and your evil curse
Angel kisses me, and it only makes me cry harder. Leaving. Leaving me to fight this whole damned place alone! I can’t do this alone, not again.
“Sure you can.” he says softly. I hadn’t realized I’d spoken. “You can. You have done it. And you won’t be alone. Giles, Willow,” he snorts derisively, then adds, “even Xander will be here with you.”
“But I need you.” I wail pitifully. God, I sound awful.
“And I need you,” he says, running a hand down my face. “That’s why I have to go.”
I look up at him. My Angel.
“Buffy, I don’t know how much longer I can take this. Being close to you and knowing that that one night we had last year was all we’ll ever have. I still want you so badly it almost hurts. I want to bury myself inside you and never come out, don’t you understand?”
“And I want you to.” I say. “God....is this the way it’s supposed to be?”
He leans back. “It’s not fair,” he says, pulling me up to him, his arms circling around me. “But it’s all I can do.”
We must stay here for an hour, just crying and holding each other.
Then Angel walks me home. There’s a sense of finality in the air; it’s like we’re doing everything for the last time. I ask him if we are.
He walks me up to the doorstep and nods.
He kisses me. Our final kiss.
I walk in my house and close the door. I hear him clunk down the stairs and walk away down the sidewalk, but I don’t look.
I can’t watch Angel walk out of my life.
Finally, sorrow overtakes me, and I collapse on the floor, sobbing.
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