Disclaimer: The characters in Buffy:TVS are owned by Joss Whedon and The WB, amongst other, And “You Can’t” was created and copyrighted by those cool folks at Nickelodeon. Monopoly is copyrighted by Parker Brothers. No infringement is intended or should be inferred.
This has taken me forever to format, and it’s pretty long. I’m not planning on a sequel right now, so, uh, this is it. By the way, this fic is written with apologies to the cast, crew and costars of Buffy:TVS, and was hatched after the BuffyOtaku read a Ranma 1/2 version of this. So you can thank the Ranma fandom for this!
The Slayer, her Slayerettes, her Watcher, and Oz and Cordelia are sitting in the Library playing Monopoly.
Buffy:
Damn, Giles, Boardwalk and Park Place? I give up.
Slayerettes, others:
Meet too! (etc., ad lib)
Giles:
(smirks)Ha ha. You picked the game. I bet you didn’t know I had such keen business sense.
Cordelia:
It makes up for your lack of fashion sense.
Giles:
Hey!
He throws his game piece at her, and she throws a hotel at him; the others join in and a paper fight ensuse, which turns into a full-scale wrestling match. It ends with all the kids in a pile underneath Giles. Jennifer Calendar and Angel enter.
Jenny:
Morning, England! um...whoa...(her eyes widen)
Giles: (from atop Willow)
Jenny! Hi! Uhm...I can explain....
Willow: (to Angel)
Aren’t you supposed to be dead?
Jenny:
Um...Angel?
Angel’s head is crooked on his neck.
Angel:
Wait ‘till we get to the opposite sketches.
Fade out as Buffy says...
Buffy:
Xander, get you hand out of there!!
Roll You can’t do that on Buffy:The Vampire Slayer credits, the fade to Hosts’ set.
Buffy sits, zen-style, on a large green pedestal downstage left, and Willow and Xander enter from left to join her.
Willow:
Hey, Buffy!
Buffy: (monotone)
Hello Willow and Xander.
Xander:
Uhm, Buff? What’cha doin’?
Buffy: (monotone)
Meditating. Owaa tagoo siam.....owaa tagoo siam.....owhatagooseiam....
Willow:
Ohhhhkay. (turns to camera) Hello and welcome to You Can’t do That on Buffy: the Vampire slayer.
Buffy:
...owaa taggooo siam...
Willow:Tonight we’re going to have some fun doing things we wouldn’t ordinarily get to do on the regular show.
Xander:
Hence the title. Did I just say “hence”?
Willow:
Yeah, anyways, we’re gonna hold an all-night kegger.
Xander and Buffy (who breaks out of her zen-state to do so) glare at Willow.
Willow:
What? It was my joke? I liked that joke!
Buffy: (shrugs)
Owaa tagoo siam.....owhatagooseiam.... (pause) And meditate.
Xander:
And make fun of Giles.
Giles: (off)
Hey! (enters from stage R. dressed in a red flannel and blue jeans and -- egad! -- is that a utility belt?) You make fun of me all the time!
Xander:
We’ll get to do it more, then.
Willow:
And there’ll be slime involved.
Giles:
Oh. Goody. (Walks off, L., grumbling)
Willow:
Xander?
Xander:
Wills?
Willow:
Would you go get me something to drink?
Xander: (whining)
Do I have to?
Willow:
Okay, no, then. But answer me a question.
Xander:
Shoot.
Willow:
What do you mix Kool-Aid in?
Xander:
A pitcher, silly! (walks off R.)Hey, Giles! Where’d you get that shirt?
Giles(off)
Your closet!
Willow:(snickering)
I guess we’ve established tonight’s challenge.
Buffy: (de-zens herself)
And what might that be, Will?
Willow:
Duh, getting Xander to say water! (a bucket of water is poured by an invisible hand from above, onto Willow’s head. This will be heretoafter denoted by the word *SPLASH*. Buffy smirks.)Oh, man, I’m going to get you for that, Buffy! I don’t know when- (the same invisible hand now pours a bucket of green slime on Willow. This will be heretoafter denoted by *SLIME*. Willow is now covered in green slime and soaking wet. She stalks off, stage right.) Oooh!
Buffy:
Shouldn’t be too hard.
Fade out on Buffy, laughing.
Fade in on INT. BRONZE -- NIGHT. Buffy, Angel, Xander, Cordelia, Willow, and Oz are sitting in a booth near the bar.
Oz:
Uh...Willow? When’d they get booths here?
Willow:
Play along, Oz.
Oz shrugs.
Jenny: (dressed as a waitress)
What can I get for you guys?
Angel:
I’ll have the fish sandwich.
Willow whimpers, and Buffy elbows Angel in the ribs. Angel sighs, then grins widely.
Angel:
Or the pagan burger.
Jenny whacks him over the head with her notepad.
Jenny:
Order!
Cordelia rescues Angel by saying:
Five cheeseburgers and a garden salad with egg and lo-cal italian dressing.
Angel smiles gratefully at Cordelia.
Buffy:
Actually, I’ll have the salad, too. Ranch.
Willow:
French.
Oz:
Thousand Island..
Jenny:(scribbling furiously)
Okay, so, four salads, two burgers? (to Angel and Xander) You boys are brave. (she puts the ticket up on the wheel and walks away)
Angel and Xander (unison)
Brave?
Oz: (to Willow)
They don’t know what’s in the burgers?
Cordelia:
Can you say, Roadkill Helper?
Giles: (he’s dressed as the cook -- from kitchen)
I heard that!
CUT TO: INT SHS HALLWAY
The Locker Sketches
A note on stage direction--*SLAM* indicates a locker closing, and let’s assume that a locker is opened just before the line is said. You remember this from the show, right?
A row of Lockers greets the camera. The fronts are spray painted with logos and tags from unruly students, and pinups of James Spader and Widespread Panic stickers litter them. The first locker opens...
Buffy:
Hey, Giles?
Giles:
Yes, Buffy.
Buffy:
What covers 85% of the earth’s surface?
Giles:
Really, Buffy. Water?
*SPLASH!*
Giles sputters angrily as Buffy laughs and slams her locker shut.
Jenny:
Ru--pert....(she is holding out a towel. Unfortunately for G-man, she’s on the other end of the hallway from him.)
Giles:
Jenny!
Jenny:
...come over here and get it....
He trots out of his locker and into hers. There’s a commotion inside, and Giles emerges, shirtless. He runs back to his locker. *SLAM*. Jenny winks at the camera, then *SLAM*.
Willow:
Hey, Xander.
Xander:
Yes, Willow?
Willow:
I need help with my homework.
Xander:
You need my help?
Willow:
Yeah, Chemistry, see, I have to identify all these compounds and I got them all except this last one.
Xander:
Well, I guess I’ll guess. Shoot.
Willow:
ZnO2.
Xander:
Zinc Oxide, Will. *SLAM*
Willow:
Damn! *SLAM*
Jesse:
Hey, Cordy...
Cordelia:
(to herself)Oh, yay, my stalker...(to Jesse)Yes....what?
He vamps, she shrieks and slams her locker shut. Jesse snickers and closes his door as well.
Anointed One:
Heyyy, Buffy!
Buffy:
Yeah, twerp?
Anointed One:
Wanna play tag?(he runs into her locker, shrieks ensue)
Angel:
Hey, that’s my girlfriend! (he runs in after the Anointed One. Chaos ensues, and eventually both Angel and A1 come flying out.)
Buffy:
You’re it. (*SLAM*)
Oz:
Hey, Cordelia?
Cordelia: (peeks out cautiously)
Yeah? Oh. Oz. What?
Oz:
What’s the air speed rate of a swallow?
Cordelia:
Ah, African or European?
Oz:
Well, I don’t know! *SLIME* (slams locker)
Cordelia:
I wasn’t going to fall for that! Not in my three-hundred dollar Guccis! *SLAM*
Lyle Gorch:
Hey, little brother!
Tector:
Yeah, Lyle?
Lyle Gorch:
How long can these stupid locker sketches go on?
Xander opens the locker next to Lyle’s, slamming it into his head and knocking it shut. Tector smirks.
Tector:
Dunno ‘bout you, Lyle, but I’d say a mite longer. *SLAM*
Xander:
Hey, Spike!
Spike:
Yeah, what?
Xander: (looks like he’s going to say something, then looks around....)
Hey, where’s Drusilla? Isn’t she usually with you?
Spike:
Yeah, she was. Until that as*hole Angelus showed up again. For all I know, she’s boinking your librarian.
Giles’ locker opens and Drusilla comes out.
Dru: (Her hair and dress are rumpled, and both she and Miss Edith have dreamy expressions on their faces...creepy.)
Bye, Rupert! Miss Edith says thank you, too....
Giles(...who is covered with lipstick prints, and clad only in his boxers. He has bright red scratchmarks on his chest and face.)
You’re very welcome. Anytime. Definitely. *SLAM*
Drusilla exits, stage right.
Buffy: (opens her locker and sticks her head out)
Told you she was a ‘ho! *SLAM*
Spike and Xander look at each other, then look stage right, then at each other again. They shrug, and slam their lockers at the same time.
End locker sketches.
CUT TO -- INT. SHS HALLWAY
Buffy walks up behind Oz, who grabs her arm, slamming her into a locker.
Oz:
Try it.
Buffy:
Try what?
Oz:
Oh, god, I’m sorry.
Buffy:
Still don’t get what I’m supposed to try.
Oz:
You know, I shouldn’t be able to slam you like this.
Buffy:
I know.
Oz:
So....what’s the deal?
In unison, they say....
Buffy: Oz: Duh, wolfman, Its... Oh, it’s....
Both:
...the introduction to the opposite sketches!
CUT TO -- INT. SHS LIBRARY
Buffy is sitting at a table reading one of Giles’ tomes. Xander enters dressed in a raincoat and sneakers.
Xander:
Hi, Buffy.
Buffy: (doesn’t look up)
Yo, Xand.
Xander: (moves closer)
I said, HI BUFFY.
Buffy: (looks up)
Oh. (closes her book and stands)Uh...Hi. Uh. Xander. Give me a heart attack!
Xander:
Oh, I’m gonna give you more than that. (fidgets with the belt on the raincoat) Come on, Buffy. It’s a party. Aren’t you gonna open your present?
Buffy:
For the love of god, Xand, don’t open that raincoat.
Xander has Buffy backed up into the railing separating the levels of the library. He opens his raincoat, and Buffy is spechless for a few seconds.
Buffy:
Wow! It’s huge!
Xander:
Knew you’d think so.
Buffy:
Angel didn’t have one that big!
Xander:
Glad you approve.
Buffy:
Xander, don’t you think you should see a doctor about it.
Xander:
What? Why?
Buffy:
Well...when a mole that size, has a huge hair coming out of it....ew! It’s just really gross. Has Cordie seen it? Isn’t she just disgusted? I mean, I had mine removed!
CUT TO: Ext, Sunnydale cemetary. Night.
Giles is fighting a vampire. He moves to stake it.
Giles:
We haven’t been properly introduced. I’m Rupert, and you’re history.
Poof! The vamp explodes, and Buffy pops up from behind a tombstone, stopwatch in hand.
Buffy:
Sloppy, really.
Giles:
Come again?
Buffy:
Your technique. It’s sloppy. You could’ve staked him three minutes ago.
Giles: (Rolls his eyes)
What’s your point?
Buffy:
The point is, when staking a vampire, it should be done quickly. Plunge and move on, plunge and...hello. What’s this?(Buffy picks up something from the ashes) A get out of jail, free card? You’re not still gloating, are you?
Giles:
Who, me?
Buffy:
And don’t even think about trying that innocent look on me, mister high-and-mighty-Monopoly-playin’-Watcher-man! I know you better than you think I do!
Giles:
I don’t have to stand here and argue with you. I’m going home to read a good book.
Buffy: (tries a new tack)
Well, ah....which one?
Giles:
Well, I don’t know! Any -- *SLIME* Damn.
Buffy laughs.
Cut to: INT, SHS, Night.
Angel is sitting at Jenny Calendar’s desk, absently poking at the computer. Jenny enters.
Angel:
Miss Calendar!
Jenny:
Revenge is sweet, you insensitive prick. (crosses to the desk, and picks up a paperweight)Thanks for killing me off, asshole. Rupert and I didn’t even get to have-- (she throws it at the blackboard and it shatters. Angel jumps, and Jenny crosses to the desk.) We didn’t have anything.
Angel: (smirks)
Would you believe, the devil made me do it?
She pushes the computer over and lunges for him. He gets up and runs from the lab, and a chase ensues. Angel runs up the stairs and looks around. Jenny catches up with him, grabs his arm, spins him around, and snaps his neck.
Jenny: (to camera)
Now, there’s an ending!
Angel:(Off, from floor, a la Monty Python)
I’m not dead yet!
Cut to: INT SHS Hallway.
Oz and Buffy are still in the hallway.
Oz:
So. They’re over?
Buffy nods.
Oz:
Goody.
Buffy:
You can let go now.
Oz: (lets go)
Oh, yeah.
Cut to- Host’s set.
Cordelia is sitting on one of the blocks, filing her nails. Willow enters.
Cordelia:
So, that’s it, then?
Willow:
Why, I’m fine, Cordelia, thank you for asking. And yes, that’s it. It’s over.
Cordelia:
You seem kinda bummed, Will.
Willow:
Well, I didn’t get to see Xander get slimed. I spent the entire episode covered in icky green stuff, and Xander didn’t get it once! How disappointing is that?
Cordelia:
I can see your point, I mean, you’re like, so much smarter than he is, and he was like, constantly outwitting you without even knowing it! You must feel like a moron.
Willow:
Gee, thanks, Cordelia. (pause) So did you have fun today?
Cordelia:
Kinda. Yeah, I guess so. I mean, you were covered in water *SPLASH* Oooh!
Willow:
I think we’re gonna have to do this again sometime.
Cordelia:
Willow. I’m going to kill whoever wrote this episode, I mean, it’s so stupid....
I’d watch what I said if I were you, Miss Chase.
Cordelia:
I mean, come on, like we’d ever actually see an episode of the real show like this. I think that you’re just overobsessing about soemthing you wish you’d created. You’re a Joss-wannabe.
I’m warning you, Cordelia.
Cordelia:
This is just, so dumb. Really. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, water!! *SLIME SLIME SLIME SPLASH* (she sputters angrily and stalks offstage)
I warned you.
Willow: (who can barely control her laughter) That’s all the time we have for today. Tune in next week when everything gets back to normal. We hope.
ROLL closing credits over:
More Locker Sketches.....
Spike and Angel have their lockers open, and Spike is telling a new joke.
Spike:
.....and so Pebbles says, get your own BamBam, lady!!
Angel laughs and slams his locker shut. Spike follows suit.
Cordelia:
Hey, Xander?
Xander:
Yes, Cordie?
Cordelia:
Did you hear about this new Monica Lewinsky line of wallets they’re coming out with?
Xander:
Well, uh...no...
Cordelia:
They come with a wad of bills!
Xander:
Lame. Points for effort, though. *SLAM*
Cordelia:
Well, I thought it was cute. *SLAM*
Giles:
Hey, Angel?
Angel:
Yes, Giles?
What’s the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Angel:
I don’t know, what is --- *SLIME* Hey!
Giles: (who is laughing so hard he can barely tell the joke)
Not everyone’s been in a 747!! *SLAM*
Angel growls at Giles’ closed locker, and slams his closed.
Willow:
Hey, Oz!
Oz:
Yes, pooky?
Xander:
Pooky? Pooky was Garfield’s teddy bear. What kind of a nickname is pooky?
Buffy opens the locker next to Xanders, slamming her door into his head. He collapses.
Willow:
Thanks, Buff. (Buffy smiles and closes her locker, then Willow says to Oz:) Can I come over there?
Oz:
For smoochies?
Willow nods, and runs into his locker. The door slams shut behind her.
Spike:
That was disgusting. Oh, Slayer?
Buffy:
Yes, Spike, what?
Spike:
What are the chances of you an’ me getting together to have a few laughs?
Buffy:
Does Satan pushing a snowblower give you a mental picture?
Spike:
Hey, I’ve met Satan, and he has a snowblower. Never uses it, though, but he’s got one. Real party animal, too. That doesn’t answer my question.
Buffy:
Let me put it this way, and I’ll use little words so you can understand me: I’d rather look at the sun through a telescope. Or be tied up and burned by hot pokers....
Spike:
Oooh, you’re kinky...
Buffy:
....or have wild sex with Giles, even, before I’d even consider seeing you on a friendly social basis.
Spike:
So that’s a “no”, then, pet?
Buffy:
Get lost jerk!
They slam their locker closed. Fade out on the row of closed lockers, and Xander in a heap outside his.
The end.