* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.   

* I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.

  * Tomorrow isn't looking good either.   

* Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

  * Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

  * I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

  * My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

  * I am having an out of money experience.  

 * I plan on living forever. So far, so good.   

* Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths.  

 * I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

  Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, 'Where the heck is the ceiling?!'

  There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

  Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.