Johnnie Cochrane's Closing Arguments

10. If the dress ain't a mess, he won't need to confess
9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate
8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit
7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal
6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore
5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses
4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life
3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof
2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy

And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane:

Clinton Goes to Hell

So Satan takes Bill down a hall and they come to the first door and open it. Inside is Bill Gates being burned at the stake.

"No," Bill balks. "I can't do that for all of eternity."

"Fair enough."

Satan takes Bill down the hall to a second door. Inside is Rush Limbaugh being pulled apart on the Rack.

"No," Bill again balks. "I can't do *that* for all of eternity, either."

Satan takes Bill to the last door. Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him a blowjob. Bill smiles.

"Yes!' He shouts. "That's for me."

What It Takes To Become President

As they were driving away, Bill turned to Hillary and asked "Honey, who was that?"

"That was Charley, an old boyfriend of mine," she responded. "We dated for a long time, and almost got married."

"Oh." said Bill. "Well I guess you're glad you married me instead."

"Why do you say that?" asked Hillary.

"Because he's only a gas station attendant, and I'm the President of the United States," exclaimed Bill.

"I don't see how that has anything to do with anything." said Hillary.

"If I would have married Charley, he would be the President."

An Uproar in Heaven

Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily".

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.

In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.

Mr. Clinton in the Classroom

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car comes by and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

Mr. Clinton in the Land of Oz

When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.

They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."

Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"