Statements On Life

Here's a collection of all sorts of bumper stickers, possible bumper stickers, funny thoughts, interesting ideas, and strange statements on life.

Bumper Stickers

  1. We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
  2. Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
  3. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  4. Horn broken, watch for finger.
  5. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
  6. My kid had sex with your honor student.
  7. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
  8. Help wanted, telepath: you know where to apply.
  9. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
  10. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
  11. I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
  12. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
  13. I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
  14. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  15. Keep honking, I'm reloading.
  16. Hang up and drive.
  17. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
  18. Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
  19. Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
  20. Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
  21. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
  22. Itty-bitty cuddly bunnies... the other white meat.
  23. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  24. Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
  25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  26. It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to GET you!
  27. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
  28. Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
  29. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  30. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  31. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  32. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
  33. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
  34. Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
  35. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
  36. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  37. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
  38. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
  39. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
  40. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
  41. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
  42. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
  43. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
  44. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  45. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
  46. When there's a will, I want to be in it.
  47. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
  48. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
  49. All generalizations are false.
  50. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
  51. Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
  52. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
  53. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  54. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
  55. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
  56. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
  57. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  58. Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
  59. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
  60. If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
  61. No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.
  62. Cocaine is god’s way of telling you that you make too much money.
  63. If quiters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
  64. If you don't die from it — it is healthy.
  65. If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is going on.
  66. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
  67. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
  68. There are three kinds of people — those who can count and those who can't.
  69. It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.
  70. My homework is like a juicy steak — rarely done.
  71. There are two kinds of pedestrians — the quick and the dead.
  72. Life is sexually transmitted.
  73. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
  74. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
  75. If at first you don't succeed — give up! No use being a damn fool.
  76. Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.
  77. No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.
  78. You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
  79. Only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.

Things To Ponder:

  • What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."
  • What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
  • Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."
  • Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
  • Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
  • Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
  • If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
  • Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
  • Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies,and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
  • Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
  • How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
  • All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?
  • Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a Danish!"
  • Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish babycows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."
  • Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!
  • Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cupholders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not.

Some Definitions From "The Cynic's Dictionary"

CHILDHOOD The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drug or weapons charge.

DENIAL How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.

HOOKER A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for even less.

LABORATORY ANIMALS Furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of science. Some die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their lives so that we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo.

MARTIAL ARTS A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one's opponent is armed with a semi-automatic.

ORGASM The punchline some women just don't get, generally because their mates have a tendency to rush through the joke.

TRAILER PARKS Latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast American hinterland; humble places of abode where hope dies young and tornadoes gravitate like flies to roadkill.

X-RAY A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create new ones for future examinations to reveal.

Y-CHROMOSOME A line of genes designed for men only; the cause of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a disinclination to ask for directions when lost.

ZOO A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats.

The World's Shortest Books

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by OJ Simpson
24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE-by Ellen DeGeneres
22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR ATTENTION-by Dennis Rodman
19. THE WILD YEARS-by Al Gore
18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY- Ed McMahon
13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
12. EASY UNIX
11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE
10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER-by Art Garfunkel
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by the EPA
3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
And the Number one World's Shortest> book:......
1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton
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This page was updated December 14, 1998 by Inna Portnova, inna@uclink4.berkeley.edu