Love, Men, and Women

The Rules

  1. The FEMALE always makes the rules.
  2. The RULES are subject to change at any time without prior notification...by the FEMALE.
  3. No MALE can possibly know all the RULES.
  4. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all the RULES, she must immediately change some or all of them.
  5. The FEMALE is never wrong.
  6. If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.
  7. The MALE must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstandings.
  8. The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.
  9. The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE.
  10. The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
  11. The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry or upset.
  12. The FEMALE must, under no circumstances, let the MALE know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
  13. The Male is expected to "mind read" at all times.
  14. The MALE who doesn't abide by THE RULES can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp!
  15. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
  16. If the FEMALE has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void.
  17. The FEMALE is ready when SHE is ready.
  18. The MALE must be ready at ALL times.

Guys' Rules

  1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
  2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
  3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
  4. Birthdays, Valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present...again!
  5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
  6. Sometimes he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
  7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss topics such as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
  8. Get rid of your cat. And it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
  9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
  10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing fo the tides. Let it be.
  11. Shopping is not a sport.
  12. Anything you werar is fine. Really.
  13. You have enough clothes.
  14. You have too many shoes.
  15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
  16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
  17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
  18. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
  19. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress.
  20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
  21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
  22. Foreign films are better left to foreigners.
  23. Check your oil.
  24. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
  25. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
  26. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
  27. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument and all comments become null and void after 7 days.
  28. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
  29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
  30. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
  31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
  32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
  33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  34. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, neither to we.
  35. Women wearing Wonderbra's and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
  36. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
  37. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed make you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazine.
  38. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
  39. Anyone can buy condoms.
  40. Your brother IS an idiot.

A Birthday Gift

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note...romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Macy's and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items, the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart with this note:

Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past 3 weeks and they were hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love,
Roger

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

What guys SAY and what they MEAN

"Let's take your car."
Really means: "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
Really means: "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures, and has a better driving record than me."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."
Really means: "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means: "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means.... "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means: "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
Really means: "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means: "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means: "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means: "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means: "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means: "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means: "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means: "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means: "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and I am out of peanut butter."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
Really means: "Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means: "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means: "What did you catch me at?"

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means: "She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means: "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means: "You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means: "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth reathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means: "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again, but rather that than stop and ask for directions."

"We share the housework."
Really means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means: "I like you more than my truck."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means: "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It's good beer."
Really means: "It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means: "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means: "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means: "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her."
Really means: "She dumped me."

You'll Never Hear...

The Last Things Any Man Would Ever Say:

10) I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9) While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8) I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7) Her tits are just too big.
6) Sometimes I just want to be held.
5) That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
4) Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
3) We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2) Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1) I think we are lost, we better pull over ands ask for directions.

The Last Things Any Woman Would Ever Say:

10) Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9) Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
8) I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7) Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6) Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
5) This diamond is way too big!
4) I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3) Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2) Does this make my butt look too small?
1) I'm wrong, you must be right again.

On Patience…

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability?"

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."
On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here?

Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

The Man's Guide to what a woman really means when she says...

"We need..." = "I want..."
"It's your decision." = "The correct decision should be obvious by now."
"Do what you want." = "You'll pay for this later."
"We need to talk." = "I need to complain."
"I'm not upset." = "Of course I'm upset, you moron!"
"You're so... manly." = "You need a shave and you sweat a lot."
"Be romantic, turn out the lights." = "I have flabby thighs."
"This kitchen is so inconvenient." = "I want a new house."
"I need wedding shoes." = "The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white."
"I heard a noise." = "I noticed you were almost asleep."
"Do you love me?" = "I'm going to ask for something expensive."
"How much do you love me?"= "I did something today you're really not going to like."
"I'll be ready in a minute." = "Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V."
"Is my butt fat?" = "Tell me I'm beautiful."
"You have to learn to communicate." = "Just agree with me."
"Are you listening to me?!" = "Too late, you're dead."
"Do you like this recipe?" = "It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it."
"I'm not yelling!" = "Yes I am yelling because I think this is important."

The Woman's Guide to What a Man is Really Saying...

"I'm hungry." = "I'm hungry."
"I'm sleepy." = "I'm sleepy."
"I'm tired." = "I'm tired."
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."
"Can I call you sometime?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."
"May I have this dance?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."
"Nice dress!" = "Nice cleavage!"
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = "I want to fondle you."
"What's wrong?" = "What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?"
"What's wrong?" = "I guess sex tonight is out of the question."
"I'm bored." = "Do you want to have sex?"
"I love you." = "Let's have sex now."
"I love you, too." = "Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!"
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = "I liked it better before."
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = "$50 and it doesn't look that much different!"
"Let's talk." = "I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me."
"Will you marry me?" = "I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys."
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = "I am gay."

Rejection

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

A few examples of Before and After you "fall in love"

b- you take my breath away
a- I feel like I'm suffocating
b- twice a night
a- twice a month
b- she says she loves the way I take control of a situation
a- she called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac
b- Lucy and Ricky
a- Fred and Ethyl
b- Saturday night fever
a- Monday night football
b- "he makes me feel like a millon dollars"
a- "if I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done..."
b- don't stop
a- don't start
b- the sound of music
a- the sounds of silence
b- is that all you're having?
a- maybe you should have just a salad, honey
b- wheel of fortune
a- jeopardy
b- it's like I'm living in a dream
a- it's like he lives in a dorm
b- $60/doz.
a- $1.50/stem
b- turbo charged
a- jump start
b- we agree on everything
a- doesn't she have a mind of her own?
b- victoria's secret
a- fruit of the loom
b- charming and noble
a- chernobyl
b- feathers and handcuffs
a- ball and chain
b- idol
a- idle
b- i love a woman with curves
a- i never said you were fat
b- he's completely lost without me
a- why won't he ever ask for directions?
b- time stood still
a- this relationship is going nowhere
b- croissant and cappuccino
a- bagel and instant
b- blind
a- nearsighted
b- you look so seductive in black
a- your clothes are so depressing
b- iambic pentameter
a- blank verse
b- oysters
a- fishsticks
b- I can hardly believe we found each other
a- I can't believe I ended up with someone like you
b- passion
a- ration
b- once upon a time
a- the end

A Proxy Father

The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father; a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell................

Ms Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to......."
Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you."
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins."
Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out."
Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please'."
Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."
Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."
Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Ms Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh... equipment?"
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."
Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Ms Smith? ......... Ms Smith? ........ My word, she's fainted!"

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This page was updated August 23, 1998 by Inna Portnova, inna@uclink4.berkeley.edu