HUMOR Digest - 25 Sep 1997 to 26 Sep 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 376 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Some BASIC differences <adult>
  2. Unexpected Answers <some adult humor>
  3. Improving Work (sarcastic)
  4. Postal Service (poss. off. to boxers)
  5. You might be from Wisconsin if  (poss off to Wisconsinites)
  6. HUMOR: this is a test
  7. Barbs from the AJC The Vent
  8. corporate rowing
  9. Punctuation <clean>

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Date:    Thu, 25 Sep 1997 12:14:23 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Some BASIC differences <adult>

Differences between

1. a GIRL  and a GUN
a GUN is first loaded and then shot
a GIRL is first shot and then loaded!

2. the SKY and the SKIRT
SKY : Covers whole of universe
SKIRT : Covers universal hole !

3. the SHIP and the GIRL
SHIP : Cuts through the water
GIRL : Waters through the cut

4. GIRL in the church and the girl in the bath tub
Girl in the church will have soul full of hope
girl in the bath tub will have hole full of soap

5. MEN's cricket and WOMEN's cricket
MEN's cricket : There is a short leg between two long legs
WOMEN's cricket : There is a gully between two fine legs

6. the PHOTO and the GIRL
PHOTO : Shot in the open and development is done in the dark room
GIRL : Shot in the dark room and development takes place in open


* Smile - Its a curve that can set a LOT of things straight.

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Date:    Thu, 25 Sep 1997 03:52:46 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Unexpected Answers <some adult humor>

*   The courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing
  hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years
  by poisoning his coffee.
    The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him in
  order to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge,
  since she had been so "matter-of-fact" about the whole thing all
  during the trial.
    "Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morning where
  you felt pity for your husband ?"
    "Well...  yeah...  I guess..." she replied.
    "And when was that ?" pressed the attorney.
    "Well...  when he asked for his third cup." she said.
                                - - - - -

*   In the midst of a blazing battle, an officer shouted orders to a
  nearby soldier.  With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly on
  the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch
  case from a dead soldier and dove back to safety.
    "Private," the officer said, "I recommending you for a medal. You
  risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."
    "Warehouses ?!?!" the private shouted over the din of the battle,
  "I thought you said whorehouses."
                                - - - - -

*   Scott showed little aptitude for the law and even less for public
  speaking, but neither prevented him from pursuing a career as a
  defense attorney.  He even managed to get a job with a firm.
    Finally the day came for him to argue his first capital murder
  case, and two senior members of his firm attended the trial.
    Halfway through his closing argument, there was a recess.  Scott
  sent a note to one of the partners and asked, "What do you think
  my client's chances are ?"
    The answer came back, "Keep talking !  The longer you talk, the
  longer he lives."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Thu, 25 Sep 1997 09:40:56 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Improving Work (sarcastic)

  Twelve helpful tips from junior employees to senior managers on
  improving work relations:

 1)  Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 pm and then
     bring it to me.The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

 2)  If it's really a "RUSH JOB", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes
     to see how its going...that helps.

 3)  Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a
     chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

 4)  If my arms are full of papers, books, boxes, or supplies, don't open
     the door for me.  I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and
     opening doors is just good training.

 5)  If you give me more than one job, don't tell me which one is
     priority. Let me guess.

 6)  Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and don't really have
     anywhere to go or anything to do.

 7)  If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret...leaks like that could
     cost me a promotion.

 8)  If you don't like my work, tell everyone.  I like my name to be
     popular in conversation.

 9)  If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In
     fact, save them until the job is done.

 10)  Never introduce me to people you're with. When you refer to them
      later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

 11)  Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really
      change your life.

 12)  Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and its nice
      to know that someone else is less fortunate.

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Date:    Thu, 25 Sep 1997 12:44:46 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Postal Service (poss. off. to boxers)

Phoenix, Arizona -- The postage was correct, so the Postal Service
accepted a dozen dried-out, hairy pigs' ears addressed like individual
fleshy postcards to ear-biting boxer Mike Tyson.

"They were the weirdest things I've ever seen," Yolanda Stenson, a
customer relations coordinator, said Monday.

Each ear was about 5 inches long.  Stamps were stuck to each one.  And
Tyson's address was written on the bare hide in felt-tip pen.

Stenson said they apparently were dropped in a mail box, and postal
workers processed them just like other packages last Wednesday, a week
and a half after the notorious June 28 heavyweight bout in which Tyson
chewed off a chunk of Evander Holyfield's right ear.

"As long as it's not over 108 inches in length and girth and under 70
pounds and the postage is good, we'll try to deliver it," said postal
worker Tony Gervasio.

Gervasio said he once helped ship a tumbleweed to the Midwest and has
carefully affixed stamps to everything from tree limbs to basketballs.

"The only things we won't mail for you are cats, dogs and kids," he said,
"no matter how much you'd like to send them."

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Date:    Thu, 25 Sep 1997 13:21:07 -0500
From:    Richard Linton <rtlinton@FACSTAFF.WISC.EDU>
Subject: You might be from Wisconsin if  (poss off to Wisconsinites)

You might be a Wisconsinite if .....
  you define Summer as three months of bad sledding...
  your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar...
  snow tires come standard on all your cars...
  at least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm...
  you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week...
  you can identify a Michigan accent...
  you know what "cow-tipping" is.....
  you learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your
      bike...
  "Down South" to you means Chicago...
  traveling coast to coast means going from Superior to Milwaukee...
  the "Big Three" means Miller, Old Milwaukee & PBR
  a brat is something you eat ...
  you know that Eau Claire is not something you eat.....
  you have no problem spelling Milwaukee..
  you got a passport to go to Minnesota...
  you don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon...
  you used to think Deer Season was included as an official school holiday...
  You know that Gotham is a real city...
  You can actually pronounce and spell Oconomowoc...
  you know what a bubbler is.....
  the snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do...
  your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your blue
       spruce...
  you think there should be a "FIB go home" bumper sticker on every car 
       north of Madison...
  a Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer...
  you go out for fish fry on every Friday...
  you go to work in a snowsuit in the morning and return home wearing
       shorts...
  when you tell someone where you are from and they say: 'I thought that
       was part of Canada...
  your idea of the seasons is Winter, Spring and the 4th of July...
  you know how to polka....
  you think that Lutheran and Catholics ARE the major religions.....
  formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans and a baseball cap...
  your children describe their summer vacation out of state as a
       "trip to Door County..."
  you have to go to Florida to get a tan in August...
  you define "swimming season" as Labor Day weekend...
  your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost...
  you know where the city of Waunakee is AND can pronounce it...
  you have more fishing poles than teeth...
  you decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend...

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Date:    Sat, 20 Sep 1997 19:48:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: HUMOR: this is a test

>Sent From: janinelove@juno.com (Janine A Lovekamp)

This is a test:  I know you can do it!

Say the following sentence without using any r's.
   "Richard and Robert purchased a rottweiler."


How about: Dick and Bob bought a dog.


---
You're twisted and sick, I like that in a person.

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Date:    Thu, 25 Sep 1997 21:00:50 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Barbs from the AJC The Vent

If I enter an elevator and my floor is pushed, I always push it again
because I know I'm a better driver.

You know you've reached middle age when your wife tells you to pull
in your stomach and you already have.

Given the time men spend thinking about women, it's amazing they
still have time to mess up the world.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it
holds the universe together.

After 30 years of marriage, I've finally got my wife trained so well
that I do everything she wants me to.

There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that Microsoft included
solitaire with Windows so you'd have something to do while you wait
for Windows to crash.

It's hard to tell exactly what Jesse Helms means by "family values."
It seems that he wants to compel parents and their children to sit
together and watch Pat Robertson on TV while they all smoke
cigarettes.

The Vent's website is: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent/

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Date:    Thu, 25 Sep 1997 19:20:57 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: corporate rowing

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both
teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. The
American team was discouraged by the loss.  Morale sagged. Corporate
management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be
found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and
recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and
one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight
people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the
consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not
enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the
following year, the American team's management structure was completely
reorganized.

The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers,
and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to
provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!!!

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance
and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

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Date:    Fri, 26 Sep 1997 09:26:02 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Punctuation <clean>

An English Professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is a
savage" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it
correctly.

The men wrote:  "Woman, without her man, is a savage."

The women wrote:  "Woman: Without her, man is a savage."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Sep 1997 to 26 Sep 1997
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