SMASH THE STATE
A weekly television series of political satire and commentary
Saturday, May 25, 1996
* The Monologue
* The Bottom Ten List: "Bottom Ten Things Overheard
at Bob Dole's Senate Going-Away Party"
* The Official Report
* Double Talk: "Ending Welfare as We Know It"
* Question Authority
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THE MONOLOGUE
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, May 25, 1996
(Live from Austin -- where bicycle riders must wear helmets
-- it's Saturday night. And now for something completely
dissident, here's Gary!)
Thank you. Good evening, this is Smash the State. Welcome to
our show.
(1) Bob Dole announced he was resigning from the Senate so
he could run for President. Pundits are saying Dole's resignation
speech was the best he ever gave. If you think that was good,
wait until you hear his concession speech in November.
(2) Bob Dole endorsed letting states require welfare
recipients to take drug tests. Somehow, I don't think that will
include the biggest welfare queens of all, those Kansas farmers
taking huge agricultural subsidies.
(3) The Chinese government was accused this week of
smuggling guns into the United States. Supposedly, it was a big
scandal. When will the Chinese learn? The U.S. government does
not tolerate the smuggling of weapons -- except from Iran, to the
Contras in Nicaragua and the Muslims in Bosnia.
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THE BOTTOM TEN LIST
"Bottom Ten Things Overheard at Bob Dole's Senate Going-Away
Party"
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, May 25, 1996
Ladies and gentlemen, I hold in my hand this week's Bottom
Ten List. From the state headquarters on Cesar Chavez Street, the
category is the Bottom Ten Things Overheard at Bob Dole's Senate
Going-Away Party.
Bob Dole apparently cannot serve as leader of the Senate and
run for leader of the country at the same time. So he trying to
convince us he is an outsider.
Here are the Bottom Ten Things Overheard at Bob Dole's
Senate Going-Away Party.
Minus 10, "Twenty-seven years in the Senate, and all I got was
this lousy 'Twenty-seven years in the Senate, and all I got was
this lousy T-shirt' T-shirt."
Minus 9, "If I had known that resigning from the Senate would
help my Presidential campaign this much, I would have quit in
1988, or 1980, or 1976."
Minus 8, "I am no longer going to refer to myself in the third
person as Bob Dole. Now I am an unpronouncable symbol referred to
as 'the Presidential candidate formerly known as Bob Dole.'"
Minus 7, "As President, I will speak out against Hollywoood's
nightmares of depravity . The entertainment industry should make
non-violent, family films -- like my favorite movie, Braveheart."
Minus 6, "You know how sports events and stadiums name themselves
after their corporate sponsors? Today, the Republican Party is
changing its name to the Archer Daniels Midland Republican
Party."
Minus 5, "Has Colin Powell shown up yet? We ought to have at
least one black guy here."
Minus 4, "Read my lips. Repeal all those taxes I voted for."
Minus 3, "Get us some more coffee, Gingrich."
Minus 2, "Be careful what you say here. It might end up on one of
those Smash the State Bottom Ten Lists."
And the Minus 1 thing overheard at Bob Dole's Senate going-away
party, "Now let's all go to Hooters."
We have a great show for you. There is more to come. If this
be treason, make the most of it.
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"The clumsiness of power spoils the key, and uses the pickaxe."
-- Rabindranath Tagore
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THE OFFICIAL REPORT
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, May 25, 1996
This is the Official Report. The stories you are about to
hear are true.
THE STATE OF THE WORLD
(1) Eleven Vietnamese have been killed in Germany in the
past two weeks in a widening turf battle between rival gangs of
cigarette smugglers. The sale of cigarettes smuggled from Eastern
Europe brings in millions each year. Distribution is controlled
by two known organized crime groups that collect protection money
of up to $9,300 a week from street-level vendors. The illegal
vendors sell the cigarettes for about half the legal price of
$3.30.
The German government's solution has been to pressure
Vietnam to hasten its compliance with a repatriation accord
reached last year, under which all illegal Vietnamese residents
will be returned by 2000.
(2) Carolyn McCarthy, who became known nationally as a gun
control advocate after her husband died and her son was injured
in the Long Island Rail Road massacre, said she will run for
Congress. McCarthy, a lifelong Republican, told The Associated
Press that she will challenge incumbent Republican Dan Frisa on
the Democratic line rather than fight him in the New York
Republican primary. "Party labels don't mean anything," McCarthy
said, adding that, if she is elected in November, then she will
switch her party registration to Democrat.
(3) President Clinton has asked the Supreme Court to
postpone the sexual harassment lawsuit against him by Paula Jones
until he leaves office. Jones alleges in the suit that Clinton
propositioned her in a Little Rock hotel suite in 1991 when he
was the governor of Arkansas. The President's lawyer argued that
as commander in chief of the armed forces Clinton is covered by
the Soldiers and Sailors Relief Act of 1940, a law that provides
that some suits against men and women in uniform must be delayed
until they leave military service.
THE NEW WORLD ORDER
(4) A Japanese soldier, Lt. Hiroo Onoda, was sent as a spy
to an island in the Phillipines in December 1944. Isolated in the
jungle, he refused to believe Japan's surrender. He spent nearly
30 years single-handedly waging war and refused to come out until
March 10, 1974, after a former superior officer traveled to the
Philippines and ordered him to surrender.
This week during a visit to Manila, Onoda was invited by
President Fidel Ramos to retire in the Phillipines. However, some
Filipinos have expressed dismay that Onoda did not apologize
during his visit for allegedly killing seven villagers.
(5) The Israeli government has agreed to let news
organizations appeal military censorship to the Supreme Court.
The agreement still allows the military to censor
security-related material, but it gives the news media a new way
to challenge specific cases.
Israel's censorship exists on the basis of emergency
regulations dating back to the pre-state British Mandate. It is
supposed to apply only to information that might endanger
Israel's security.
Under the old agreement signed in 1966, both sides could
appeal to the army chief, but appeals to civilian courts were
ruled out.
The new agreement leaves the censor in place, maintaining
his powers to shut organizations that defy censorship and to mete
out jail sentences. But it creates a committee to resolve
disputes that includes an army officer, a media representative,
and an attorney chosen by both sides. Media organizations can
appeal its decisions to the Supreme Court.
TO PROTECT AND SERVE
(6) Egypt's Constitutional Court has upheld a government
decree that bans schoolgirls from wearing the conservative,
full-length veil that covers everything but the eyes.
It was a victory for Education Minister Hussein Bahaa
Eddine, who has struggled to counter what he sees as the growing
influence of Islamic fundamentalists in Egypt's school system. In
recent years, he has fired hundreds of teachers he felt were
subversive, campaigned to ban the full-length veil, and sought to
limit the use of the less conservative and much more popular
clothing which covers a woman's hair but leaves her face exposed.
One sixteen-year-old girl said from beneath an emerald-green
shroud, "I didn't see how my veil would hurt anyone in any way."
She said the ruling intruded on a private matter. "This is not
fair," she said at a Cairo bus stop on her way home. "They are
denying me my personal freedom."
Fundamentalist lawyers argued that the decree was
unconstitutional because it violated Islamic dictates. The
Egyptian constitution relies in large part on codified Islamic
law. Lawyers raised cases on behalf of dozens of girls across the
country. Some cases were won. But the verdict in the
Constitutional Court was final, overturning those cases and
setting a new precedent.
The court ruled that the ban is constitutional because
school uniforms -- which the girls must wear instead of the veil
-- are modest and therefore in keeping with Islamic traditions.
(7) An American Indian who hung an eagle feather from her
mortarboard and two blacks who wore a multicolored African tribal
cloth with their graduation gowns were denied their high school
diplomas in Muskogee, Oklahoma.
The school district said they violated the dress code when
they wore the ethnic symbols at graduation. The district is
withholding their Muskogee High School diplomas and transcripts
until they complete 25 days in summer school as punishment.
(8) A high school principal in Round Rock, Texas, says
cheerleaders may not wear their uniforms in class because their
skirts are too short.
YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK
(9) The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has
sued Hertz Rent-a-Car, charging that two mentally retarded
workers were fired in violation of the Americans with
Disabilities Act. It was the first such lawsuit brought by a
federal agency on behalf of people with mental disabilities under
the 1990 law. EEOC Commissioner Paul S. Miller said there have
not been more such lawsuits because people with mental
disabilities often do not know when they have been discriminated
against.
READ MY LIPS
(10) Finally, the quotation of the week. President Clinton
said this at a White House press conference, "I am always a
little skeptical when politicians piously proclaim their
morality."
And that's the Official Report, where you hear it's farce.
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DOUBLE TALK
"Ending Welfare as We Know It"
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, May 25, 1996
(ON THE LEFT)
Gary, we should end welfare -- as we know it.
You conservatives want to turn welfare over to the state
governments. America needs a consistent national policy on
welfare, one that the President can sign waivers for on a
state-by-state basis.
The only welfare you conservatives care about is corporate
welfare. Public funding should be redirected to the people who
really need it, the social workers on the federal payroll.
Liberals don't care who gets credit for welfare reform just
as long as something gets done. We are tired of you consevatives
playing politics.
At last, we are seeing some real progress this year.
President Clinton is demonstrating true leadership on this issue,
by taking credit for the ideas of Republican governors.
(ON THE RIGHT)
Gary, we should end welfare -- as we know it.
Republican governors have come up with a way to get rid of
welfare. They are replacing it with expensive, useless,
make-work, public works programs and calling it workfare.
Why pay someone to do nothing when you can pay him to dig a
hole you don't need and fill it up again? This is the most
innovative program since the days of Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
Conservatives don't care who gets credit for welfare reform,
just as long as something gets done. We are tired of you liberals
playing politics.
At last, we are seeing some real progress this year. Bob
Dole, after having his chance to actually do something in office
about welfare, is going to talk about it on the campaign trail as
a candidate for President.
(ON THE LEFT)
Gary, you hatemongering, racist, Nazi, fascist, Neanderthal
pig. You have reached the right conclusions but for all the wrong
reasons.
"Ending welfare as we know it" does not mean ending welfare,
just ending it as we know it. We need welfare. Redistributing
wealth is what government is for. The American people don't want
to get rid of the welfare state. They just want to talk about it.
But since our two sides agree, there must be no alternative.
(ON THE RIGHT)
Gary, you godless, Communist, bleeding heart, weirdo
pervert. You have reached the right conclusions but for all the
wrong reasons.
"Ending welfare as we know it" does not mean ending welfare,
just ending it as we know it. We need welfare. Redistributing
wealth is what government is for. The American people don't want
to get rid of the welfare state. They just want to talk about it.
But since our two sides agree, there must be no alternative.
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QUESTION AUTHORITY
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, May 25, 1996
Are you tired of those phony advice columns? Here is the
help you need. Question Authority!
(1) Dear Mr. Authority: American taxpayers bailed out Wall
Street when the Mexican Peso was devauled. But can Uncle Sam bail
out the next bankrupt country? -- Signed, A Fool and His Money
Dear Fool: The United States and 20 other countries have
agreed to create a new $49 billion emergency bailout fund to deal
with future Mexican-style economic crises. The United States,
which was to provide $6.12 billion for the original emergency
credit line, has agreed to contribute an additional $3 billion.
The Clinton administration must win approval from Congress to
participate in the new fund. The final agreement is to be signed
at the annual meetings of the IMF and the World Bank in October.
If you want to know what to do, question Authority.
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That concludes this episode of Smash the State for Saturday,
May 25, 1996, a date which will live in infamy.
Good-bye, everybody. Thank you for joining us. The
revolution will be televised.
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E-Mail sedition@aol.com
Web Site http://members.aol.com/sedition
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