ON BEING LIBERAL ...

Prerequisites to Being a Modern Liberal Democrat (aka Socialist)

  1. You believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.
  2. You believe that the same overpaid public school idiot who can't teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
  3. You believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid.
  4. You believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.
  5. You believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
  6. You believe that gender roles are artificial but being gay is natural.
  7. You believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
  8. You believe that hunters don't care about nature but pesky activists who've never been outside Seattle do.
  9. You believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
  10. You believe there was no art before federal funding.
  11. You have to be against capital punishment - but support abortion on demand.
  12. You believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
  13. You believe the free market that gives us 500+ channels can't deliver the quality that PBS does.
  14. You believe the NRA is bad, because it stands up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution.
  15. You believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.
  16. You believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
  17. You believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
  18. You believe that second-hand smoke is more dangerous than HIV.
  19. You believe Hilary Clinton is really a lady and Janet Reno is not really a man.
  20. You believe that conservatives are racists but that black people couldn't make it without your help.
  21. You believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked everywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
  22. You believe that the same government that can't deliver the mail on time can provide health care and internet service to all Americans.
  23. You believe that a piece of work like Al Sharpton speaks for the inner city but Charlton Heston speaks only for the crazed right wing.
  24. You believe that our involvement in Vietnam was wrong but that killing over 1200 Serb civilians was OK.
  25. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belongs in the White House.
  26. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be Constitutionally protected and Manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
  27. You have to believe that illegal Democratic party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
  28. You have to believe that anyone who beats you in an intellectual arguments is a bigot.

    And finally...

  29. You have to believe Richard Nixon obstructed justice by having an 18 ½ minute gap in one tape of his recorded conversations and that it was an innocent mistake that one YEAR's worth of Al Gore's e-mails got erased. And, wouldn't you know that these e-mails of Al's just happen to be the ones subpoenaed by a White House committee and a federal grand jury in their continuing investigation of campaign finance abuses and other matters!!