Disclaimer: Insert legal stuff where I say I don't own Eva and
am not making any money off it here.
Warning: Much like the End of Evangelion movie, This fic makes
absolutely no sense.
[]= signifies that the character is speaking from a comm link
names of speakers will only be indicated in case of conversations
involving more than one character. In the event that you find
conversations that you can't understand because of this, don't
worry, they were never meant to be understood.
A Normal Day
by Jose Argao
It's a normal day at the Katsuragi residence. Asuka and
Shinji are fighting over what to watch on TV.
Taking the remote from Asuka, Shinji changes the channel.
"I was here first, I want to watch the blue screen!"
Retrieving the remote, Asuka changes the channel again.
"Shut up, Baka! The blue screen is so boring! I want to watch
the red screen!"
This goes on for some time, neither side willing to give in
to the other. Exasperated, Misato decides to take matters into her own
hands. Taking the remote, she switches the channel over to a purple
screen.
Shinji's eyes light up.
"It's blue!"
Asuka's eyes brighten up as well.
"And yet red at the same time!"
The second and third children sit there mesmerized for some
time. In fact, thoughout this fic, one would notice that almost
everything they do takes "some time" what exactly does "some time"
mean? It could be anything from a few minutes to a couple of hours.
Anyway, they are interrupted by the sudden ringing of the alarms.Why
would the author even have to indicate that the alarms started ringing
"suddenly"? It's not as if alarms can "slowly" start to ring.
Major Katsuragi acts quickly. Finishing off her beer, she
proceeds to declare the obvious.
"Angel attack."
Back at NERV, the whole bridge crew is staring intently at the
large screen in front of them. Not that there's anything else to stare
intently at. Dr. Akagi is restless.
"Where are the children? Maya, what's the status of the pilots?"
"Well, sempai, I'm pretty sure they're all single, but since all
their personal records have been erased..."
(Ritsuko sweatdrops) "No, I mean will they be arriving anytime
soon?"
(Maya sweatdrops) "Oh! In that case, Major Katsuragi has already
phoned and informed me that she already has Shinji and Asuka. They are en
route to pick up Rei now. Considering the Major's total disregard for any
and all traffic laws, they should be here in ten minutes or so."
"Good. What about the angel?"
"What _about_ the angel?"
(exasperated) "When will it be arriving?"
"The Magi estimate that it will arrive within the vicinity of the
Geofront in fifteen minutes."
"Can you get a visual on screen?"
"Yes, sempai."
The screen shows a familiar yellow rodent electrocuting its opponent,
a turtle squirting water off it's mouth.
(Ritsuko sweatdrops)"I meant a visual _of the angel_."
"Oh! Gomen, sempai."
The large screen in front of them begins to show the newest angel.
It is very large. Aside from dozens of sharp spikes on its body, it is
spherical in shape. It seems to be hovering above the ground. Maya makes an
astute observation.
"Oh my! Such a kawaii angel."
(Ritsuko sweatdrops again) "Maya, if you do not cease these inane
comments of yours, you will completely dehydrate me."
(head hung low) "Yes, sempai."
"Still, you have a point. If it wasn't for the fact that it's
hundreds of times larger than a normal person and covered with those weird
spike thingies, it would make a nice pet."
At that point, Major Katsuragi arrives with the children in tow.
"We're here! What's the status of the angel!?!"
"Well, angels don't really have a social life so I suppose it's
single. But I really think you can do better than an angel, Major. I'm sure
Kaji would..."
(Misato sweatdrops) "What's it doing?"
(Maya sweatdrops) "Oh! it's just floating there."
"Really? What's the status of... I mean, are the children ready?"
"Hai! I'll put them on the comm link now."
(Smaller screens appear showing the three pilots)
[Asuka] "Unit 02 ready to rumble."
[Rei] "Unit 00 prepared for battle."
[Shinji] "uh..."
Misato "Shinji, what's wrong! Say your catchy phrase now!"
[Shinji] "But... I haven't thought of one yet."
Misato "Damn! Activate and launch units 00 and 02. In the meantime,
I'll help Shinji think of a catchy phrase that suits him."
Maya "Yes, Major!"
"Oh, and Maya, why is it so damn wet here? You'd think NERV was
getting flooded or something!"
(Maya sweatdrops) "Well, everyone was sweatdropping and..."
(Misato sweatdrops) "Nevermind, I think I can guess."
While units 02 and 00 are launching to the surface, Unit 01 sits in
its cage, unable to launch.
Misato "Shinji, can't you think of something?"
[Shinji] "I... I... can't"
Misato (to the commander) "Sir, Unit 01 unable to launch!"
Higher up on the bridge, Gendo turns to Fuyutsuki.
(hands steepled in front of him) "Fuyutsuki, I shall leave this situation
up to you."
"Very well sir. (turns to Misato) Leave Unit 01 in its cage for now.
Concentrate on helping Units 00 and 02."
Misato "Oh my God! I forgot all about them!"
Misato turns toward the bridge bunnies to find them eating popcorn,
watching the battle unfold on screen."
"What the hell are you all doing?"
Hyuga turns toward her and hands her a bowl.
"Oh, gomen nasai Major. Did you want some?"
"Thank you. What's happening at the surface?"
"Well, Unit 02 is currently being thrashed by that angel with it's
spike thingies and Unit 00 hasn't moved yet."
"Huh! Why not?"
"Nobody has given Rei any orders yet."
"Oh. (turning to the screen) Rei, do something."
Unit 00 sits down and starts relaxing.
"I meant do something to fight the angel. Sheesh! I'm surrounded by wise
guys."
That's when Maya remembers something from a seminar she attended.
"Major, the P.C. term for that would be wise _person_."
"Maya?"
"Yes, Major?"
"Shut up."
Unit 00 then starts moving towards the angel. Suddenly, a shrill voice
emanates from the comm link.
"What about me? What am _I_ supposed to do?"
"Use your progressive knife or something. It's not like doing anything
would help, anyway. Unit 02 _always_ gets trashed."
At the mention of the progressive knife, Shinji remembers a question he
wanted to ask.
"Misato-san, why do we call it a progressive _knife_? It's as big as a
house. Why not progressive _sword_?"
"Gee, I don't really know." (turns to Ritsuko looking thoughtful in the
corner)
"Ritsuko, why _do_ we call it a progressive _knife_?"
The scientist looks at her and pauses. Anticipating the answer, Misato
and the bridge bunnies also pause. Gendo and Fuyutsuki also turn to look at
her. Shinji momentarily stops his catchy phrase brainstorming. On the surface,
Unit 02 stops squirming from underneath the angel who was pinning it. Unit 00
stops in mid-air from where it is poised to deliver a blow to the angel. Feeling
a need to conform, the angel also takes a brake from thrashing Unit 02.
"I... I... (sweatdrops) I don't really know!"
Misato facefaults. The bridge bunnies facefault. Sub Commander Fuyutsuki
also facefaults. Shinji facefaults, causing Unit 01's head to violently hit the
cage. Units 00 and 02 also facefault. Seeing Unit 02 facefault, the angel takes
advantage of the opening and cuts off Unit 02's arms and head.
Asuka "This is getting kinda old."
Misato "Shinji !!!!!!!"
Hyuga "Um... Major... Shinji's fine. Asuka's the pilot of Unit 02."
(Misato sweatdrops) "Oops, gomen. Force of habit. (Clearing her throat)
Asuka!!!!!"
[Asuka] "Misato! No fair! Your playing favorites."
Misato "I am _not_. Whatever gave you that idea, Asuka?"
[Asuka] "When you called out Shinji's name, you used seven exclamation
points, but you only used five exclamation points for me."
(looks up a few lines) "Hey, your right! I guess I _am_ playing favorites.
But we have no time to discuss that now, the angel's still out there."
"Wait a minute! You're not getting off that ea..."
Misato cuts off the link.
"Would someone please send a crew to retrieve Unit 02's entry plug."
Aoba "Awww, do we hafta? It's not like she's much help anyway. All she
does is complain." (under his breath) "Finally, I get to speak a line."
Misato "Now you listen to me and you listen good. Asuka may not be such
a good fighter and she may whine and complain all the time, but she's still useful
for comic relief. Especially with that yellow sundress she likes to
wear."
Hyuga "Yeah, I could swear it's aerodynamically designed to catch air and
lift up with the longest possible hangtime."
Ritsuko "Actually, it is. I designed it myself."
Maya and Misato "Really !?! No way!"
Ritsuko "Yes way! And I can make more, too. You can start placing your
orders now."
While the female crew surrounds Ritsuko, Shinji is still sitting confused
in his eva.
(thinking to himself) "Damn! I can't think of a catchy phrase! Asuka is
already out of commission. If this continues, Rei will go down too. If that
happens, all my hopes of actually scoring in this fic are lost! Not only that, I
still can't figure out why we call them progressive _knives_."
On the surface, the battle between Unit 00 and the angel is at a stand
still. Unit 00 is shooting at the angel with a rifle. The rifle isn't doing any
damage, but it _is_ keeping the angel from advancing further.
Back at NERV, Shinji decides to ask again.
[Shinji] "Misato-san, I can't think with this question hanging over my
head. Why _do_ we call them progressive _knives_?"
Disturbed from her discussion with Ritsuko regarding the specifics of
her new dress, Misato reacts like any mother figure would.
"I don't know, go ask your father."
[Shinji] "Father, why are our weapons called progressive _knives_ when
they're much too long to be just knives?"
Gendo (hands steepled in front of him) "Fuyutsuki, I'll leave this
situation up to you."
Fuyutsuki "Very well sir. (turns to the screen) Well, Shinji, the
weapon may look huge to you, but to the EVA, it's just a knife."
[Shinji] "So you're saying it all depends on the scale?"
Fuyutsuki "Exactly."
Suddenly, a new comm link appears.
[Rei] "Sir, your logic is flawed."
Fuyutsuki "Really, may I inquire as to why?"
[Rei] "If the distinction between knives and swords was all in the
scale, then when children hold kitchen _knives_, we should call them kitchen
_swords_. However, if I remember correctly, when I picked up a kitchen knife
as a child, Commander Ikari told me to put down 'the _knife_', not 'the
_sword_' ."
Fuyutsuki "I... see. Very... well reasoned."
Unbeknownst to them, while they were discussing the merits of naming the
weapons, the angel has been preparing for its most powerful attack.
[Rei] "Furthermore, ungh!!!"
Shinji and Fuyutsuki "What!?!"
Hyuga "Unit 00 is down!!! What should we do!?!"
[Shinji] "What!!! You just ruined all my chances of scoring you stupid
S-2 organ powered being of mass destruction! Who am I supposed to make out with
now!?!"
Misato "Well, I suppose that's as catchy as Shinji can get. Hashin
EVA!"
Unit 01 is catapulted to the surface. Shinji strikes a dramatic pose
designed to intimidate the opponent as well as provide a nice still pin-up.
Unfortunately, the effect is ruined as he is facing away from the angel.
Misato "Shinji! Watch out for its spike thingies!"
[Shinji] "Huh?"
As the angel rams itself into Unit 01, its spikes extend a little, im-
paling the unit before swinging and throwing Unit 01 into a mountain.
[Shinji] "Aaaaah!!!!!!!"
Misato "Shinji!!!!!!! (turns to Maya) Activate catchy theme song at
once."
Maya "Pardon me, Major?"
Misato "I said play a catchy theme song. Whenever the good guy is in
trouble, you have to play something catchy for him to get a second
wind."
Ritsuko "That is correct, Maya. I'm surprised you don't know, what with
you being an anime character and all."
Maya "But if we knew that all along, why didn't we use it on Unit 00 and
02?"
Ritsuko "Simple, it would have been terribly anticlimactic for the
fic."
Maya "I see. I'm sorry, sempai. I'll play something at once."
As the song begins, Shinji thinks about what options are left to him.
(thinking to himself) "Damn! Asuka's down, and so is Rei. That reduces
my chances of making out in this fic to next to nil. I suppose the only thing
left for me to do is go kill the angel in a really cool way. Maybe I'll even
get a cross explosion."
Pulling out its progressive knife, Unit 01 charges the angel and sticks
the knife into the core. It exploded in a huge cross explosion as core-pierced
angels tend to do. Suddenly, a pink bunny carrying a drum walks across
the screen.
Maya "Unit 01 is going berserk!"
Misato (turning to face Gendo) "Sir, what should we do?"
Gendo (hands steepled in front of him) "Fuyutsuki, I leave this..."
Fuyutsuki (pissed off) "Enough already! I've been doing everything for
three days now! I haven't seen you move since three days ago, when you were
working on those EVA model kits."
A look of understanding suddenly appears on his face.
(smirking) "You've glued yourself in place, haven't you?"
Gendo (hands steepled in front of him) "...yes."
Meanwhile, on screen, unit 01 has already eaten the angel and taken the
batteries into itself. Rising from its position, it lets out a blood curdling...
burp?
Misato "Ritsuko, what the hell just happened?"
Ritsuko "It must have been really hungry."
Misato "No! Not that. I thought that stupid thing was supposed to keep
going and going and going? And when can I pick up my dress?"
Ritsuko "I'm a busy woman. I've got to do the reports for the units, I've
got to do the research for information, I've got to do the commander..."
Misato "Okay, I think I've heard enough."
Ritsuko "Don't worry. Since you're all my friends I'll put more priority
on your orders."
Maya "Arigato, sempai. But Unit 01 is still berserk."
[Shinji] "Don't worry, that was all me. You have _no_ idea how long I've
wanted to do that."
Everyone nods in agreement.
Later, back at the Katsuragi apartment...
Asuka "Shinji, I'm bored. Wanna... hey! Wondergirl! What are _you_ doing
here? And what do you think you're doing to Shinji?"
Rei (comes up for air) "I am currently making out with Pilot Ikari."
Asuka "Shinji! I can't believe you would choose that doll over me!"
Shinji (takes a breather)"Come on, Asuka! Aren't you supposed to be the
genius? Don't you know anything about psychology? I have this Oedipus complex thing
that makes me hate my father and compete with him for my mother's affection. Since
Rei _is_ a clone of Mom, I would naturally choose her over you."
Asuka "Really?"
Shinji "Naw. Actually, it's just that blue hair turns me on."
Asuka "I... see."
Back at NERV...
Gendo (thinking to himself) "I never really thought glue could be such
a powerful force. Forget instrumentality! Adhesives are where it's at!"
Author's notes:
Wow! Where did _that_ come from? I honestly don't know. I hope you
enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. As always, you can send
your C&C to ex_fuk@yahoo.com. Also, if you find any grammatical or spelling
errors, please tell me. My hard drive crashed and I'm stuck with notepad. I
am obsessed with those things. Anyway, if I get enough good C&C, I might even
write another fic like this. Sorry if the narration was lacking in depth, but
I was trying to keep it at a shallow level so as to keep it humorous. Also, I
wrote all this as it came to me. Actually, when I started, all I had in mind
was the TV joke and then it sorta
grew from there.
BTW: I know they're OOC, but I've just finished watching EOE and I can
only
take so much depression in one day.