1.  Sleep on the shelf in your closet.  Replace the closet door with a
curtain.  Have your wife whip open the curtain about three hours after you
go to sleep.  She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble,
"Sorry, wrong rack."

2.  Renovate your bathroom.  Build a wall across the middle of your
bathtub, and move the shower head down to chest level.  When you take
showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping up.

3.  When there is a thunderstorm in the area, find a wobbly rocking chair
and rock as hard as you can until you are nauseous.  Have a supply of stale
crackers in your pocket.

4.  Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it to "high."

5.  Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the
middle of the night.  have your family vote on which movie to watch, and
then show a different one.

6.  For ex- engineering types:  leave the lawn mower running in your living
room for eight hours a day.

7.  Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

8.  Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind
carries the soot onto your neighbor's house.  Ignore his complaints.

9.  Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week.  Store up garbage
on the other side of your bathtub or on your back porch.

10.  Get up every night just before midnight.  Have a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich on stale bread.  (Optional:  canned ravioli or cold soup.)

11.  Make up your family menu a week ahead of time, and do so without
looking in your cabinets or refrigerator.

12.  Set your alarm clock to go off at random time during the night.  When
it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, being sure
to button the top button on your shirt and to stuff your pants into your
socks.  Run out into your back yard and uncoil the garden hose.

13.  Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart, and then
put them back together.

14.  Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee per pot, and allow each pot to
sit at least five hours before drinking.

15.  Invite eighty-five people to come to visit for a couple of months.

16.  Install a fluorescent lamp under your coffee table, and lie under it
to read books.

17.  Raise the threshholds and lower the top sills of your doors, so that
you either trip over the threshhold or bang your head on the sill every
time you pass through one of them.

18.  Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.

19.  When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the
oven.  Spread the icing really thick on one side to level off the top.

20.  Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, and shout, "Man
Overboard, Starboard Side."  Then run into the kitchen and sweep all pots,
pans and dishes off the counter and onto the floor.  Yell at your wife
and/or the nearest kid for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea."

21.  Put on the headphones from your stereo, but don't plug them in.  Hang
a paper cup around your neck with a piece of string.  Go and stand in front
of your stove.  Say -- to nobody in particular -- "Stove manned and ready."
 Stand there for three or four hours.  Then say -- once again to nobody in
particular -- "Stove secured."  Roll up the headphone cord and put the
headphone and paper cup in a box.