Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Actress Brooke Shields,
auditioning to be spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
Marion Barry,
Mayor of Washington DC
Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.
Othal Brand of the Texas Pesticide Review Board discussing the chemical chlordane.
MEMBERS AND NON-MEMBERS ONLY!
sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
Frank Rizzo, mayor and ex-police chief of Philadelphia
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school department is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
Philip Streifer,
Barrington RI Superintendent of Schools
The ballparks have gotten way too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see the game anymore.
Yogi Berra,
baseball Hall-of-Famer
That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.
Stu Grimson of the Chicago Blackhawks,
explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker
Arnie Palmer, usually a great putter, seems to be having trouble with his long putt. However, he has no trouble dropping his shorts.
Golf broadcaster, on the air during a tournament
He's trying to take the decision out of the hands of twelve honest men and give it to 435 Congressmen!
Ohio Representative Charles Vanik,
upon hearing that US Vice President Spiro Agnew was trying to have his corruption case transferred from regular court to the House of Representatives
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was, I failed to comply with the law.
NYC Mayor David Dinkins,
explaining accusations that he failed to pay his income taxes
I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and Senate.
Vice President Dan Quayle
Being champ is about 90% strength and 40% technique.
Johnny Walker, middleweight wrestler
The doctors x-rayed my head and found nothing.
Baseball great Dizzy Dean,
after being struck in the head during the 1934 World Series
Even Napoleon had his Watergate.
Phillies manager Danny Ozark, commenting on their losing streak
I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
"Miss Alabama" answering a question in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
I've always thought that the underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted.
Lawrence Summers,
chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why toxic waste should be exported to the 3rd World
It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant.
mistranslated advertisement for Perdue Chickens
Pepsi brings back your ancestors from the dead