Is
it Wrong to Fall in Love? No one seemed to notice me when I arrived at the palace. Everyone was busy in preparation for the wedding. It would take place in no time, I suddenly realized. And as I did, I had a sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach. Yet strangely, I didn’t feel any physical pain. Was dying really like that for a ferry girl? Would it just come upon me and kill me all of a sudden, not slowly? "Botan-chan!" My heart skipped a beat as I heard his voice, accompanied by the pounding of footsteps. "Botan, where have you been?" I felt a hand grab my arm. I slumped my shoulders, feeling defeated. "Nowhere," I replied quietly. His grip tightened. "I need to talk to you." I didn’t even turn around to face him. I just lowered my gaze to the ground. He led me to his office. It was empty, of course. He closed the door behind us. "Hey," he began quietly. "Are you all right?" I clasped my hands behind me and leaned back against the wall. "I…suppose so." "What do you mean, you suppose?" "Well," I began, "I feel a lot…adjusted now. I mean…" I shrugged. "Maybe I’m beginning to accept." Koenma-sama raised an eyebrow. "Accept…which?" I knew exactly what he meant. "Both, I guess." "I…see." "B-but…I haven’t…completely." "I understand," he told me. "This—this is terribly hard for you, knowing it…only hours before your time." "I know," I said. I smiled bitterly. "I guess Fate is mad at me." Koenma eyed me closely, and a bit suspiciously. "Are you mad at Fate?" "I was…this morning." I took a deep breath and smiled broadly. "Honestly, I haven’t quite accepted the fact that I’m dying"—Koenma-sama winced slightly at this point—"but maybe I will later on." "And…you can do that in a matter of hours?" "I just hope so." Koenma looked away. Towards the balcony. I saw that light was slowly fading over the horizon. The sky was now a breathtaking mixture of pink, lavender and orange hues. Koenma motioned for me to come with him. I readily obliged, cautiously. "You know…your life today will determine what your life on Ningenkai would be," he said, looking at the sky. "I guess what I’m trying to say is that…if you feel hatred towards me, or towards Ayame, or whatever, you will also feel that kind of hatred in your next life. Indirectly, of course. You could be angry at something you’ll never know." "It wasn’t like that for Kurama-kun," I put in. "He was lucky enough to have a loving, responsible mother." He looked at me. His face was a mixture of seriousness and grief. "And I can only hope for your happiness in your next life, Botan." I let my mind register the elegance of his face, of his stand…of his eyes that have always looked at me with some kind of an unreadable expression in them. I willed myself to remember him—this moment—even as I live my next life. It was a hopeless cause, but I could believe in it, right? I wouldn’t lose anything. I lit up a small smile. "And I will always hope for yours, Koenma-sama." He blinked once, all the while sorrow spreading across his eyes. "You’ll always watch over me, right?" "I…yes, I will," he said, softly but assuringly. "I shall…watch over you. Always," he added. I gazed at him, and I knew that he was telling the truth. He had always watched over me while I was his ferry girl. And he loved me. Even though he can’t be mine, and I can’t be his, we were together, in a way. Defying all obstacles—even death itself. "Then…I guess I don’t have anything to worry about anymore," I whispered. "I guess I have accepted my fate already. I can die in peace now." "Botan, please…stop it." I shook my head and stood closer to him. "No, Koenma. You stop it," I said firmly, jabbing a finger at his chest. "I won’t be able to live through my second life if you continue being like that, you know. I’ve accepted my fate, and you should accept it too. Since…I couldn’t be with you"—my voice broke a bit—"all I can do is hope and pray that you and Ayame will have a happy life together, without my memory breaking you apart. If ever, if I would be the reason why you and Ayame would break up, I’d rather have you forget me." Koenma shook his head slowly. "You always put others before yourself, Botan." I smiled. "You’ve got a good spirit. No one in Reikai would ever forget you. Not one of our friends will." "Thank you," I said. Before I knew it, we were hugging each other tightly. He held me as if he didn’t want Death to take me away from him. "Don’t cry," I whispered. Yet I myself felt beads of tears falling down my cheeks. "What are you talking about? You’re crying yourself," he vaguely joked. I giggled softly. I pushed his chest away and made him look at the sky. Darkness had fallen and stars had appeared. "You must go," I told him. Koenma nodded once. All at one, I realized how helpless he looked. "Now don’t give me that face," I said, looking at his eyes. "I want this to be the happiest day of your life." "It would also be the saddest moment of my life," he said, gingerly brushing a tear away. I rolled my eyes. "Hey, stop it now, all right?" I wiped my own tears away. "You shouldn’t look like a toddler crying when you go up there and say your vows." Koenma chuckled a bit. "You’re too nice at times, Botan-chan." I smiled at how affectionately he had mentioned—he had always mentioned—my name. "Botan-chan." It was like…music in itself. I nodded, urging him to go. He backed off, never taking his sight off me. Then, with one last bitter smile, he turned around and dashed away. Two hearts that had found each other…in a very inopportune time. "Sayonara, Koenma," I whispered to the darkness. "You will forever have my heart in your hands." Kowareru
hodo suki sa | donna kotoba mo tarinai I love you
so much that it breaks me, no words are enough ---"Setsunakutemo...Zutto", Fushigi Yuugi Tasuki song Previous Chapter | Next
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