Is it Wrong to Fall in Love?
by Keiko no Miko
Chapter Seven

"Botan-chan!"

I cracked an eye open. Where am I? I asked myself.

I looked around. The blue walls confirmed my hunch that I was in my own room. I couldn’t remember much—of course, since I was drunk last night and all that…

Drunk….

Wait.

Maybe…what happened last night—it was just my imagination, I realized, suddenly jumping out of my bed. I ran or the dresser and looked at my face.

Shoot. I was pale. I had eyebags. I was crying last night, I remembered.

Crying because…of Koenma-sama.

It WAS real, I thought, unconsciously touching my lips. The feel, the taste of his lips on mine still lingered there. Yes, it was real.

How could I have done that? I angrily asked my reflection on the mirror. I knew he was getting married to Ayame…but I couldn’t stop myself then. He was too close already.

And I was drunk.

Damn, I shouldn’t have finished all those glasses of sake.

I scowled at the girl on the mirror. You are a wrecker of a wonderful couple, I told her. You’re a hypocrite.

"Botan-chan! You awake already?"

I gave out a loud groan as I walked over to the window and pulled the curtains aside. I winced as the sunlight streamed through the glass. Morning.

Ah, yes. The full moon. May 18. The wedding…is a few hours away.

Someone knocked at my door. "Hey, Botan!"

I recognized the voice. It was Hinageshi, another ferry girl.

"Ohayo!" She greeted in her lively voice as I opened the door. I saw her frown a bit. "Are you okay now?"

I felt my heart skip a beat. Does she know? I asked myself.

"You looked really sick last night," Hinageshi went on. "But…it looks like you’re feeling fine now."

"Save for a little headache, I’m fine." I tried to smile. "By the way," I suddenly remembered, "where…are Yusuke and Keiko?"

Hinageshi nodded, putting on a doleful smile. "I took Keiko home last night. Then I went back at almost sunrise there in Ningenkai to get Yusuke."

"Are they…okay?"

Hinageshi heaved a sigh. "Iie. Yusuke was…pretty insane for doing that."

I shrugged. "He drank a lot."

"I didn’t know he’d go back to Makai."

I shook my head. "Neither did I. Gomen ne," I apologized. "You did my job for me!"

"Well, you did look very pathetic last night that I can’t resist."

I sniffed my kimono. I was still wearing the one I had on last night. It reeked of alcohol.

"Oh…geez," I muttered. "I gotta wash first."

"Hai." Hinageshi nodded once. "By the way, I woke you up ‘cause Koenma-sama wants to see you urgently."

I blinked once. My heartbeat suddenly quickened a notch or two.

"Uh…is it that urgent?" I tried hard to keep my voice from trembling.

Hinageshi tucked a strand of her auburn hair behind her earlobe. "At the looks of it, yes. He looked…" Hinageshi frowned again. "…Pretty upset."

"H-how upset?" I pressed.

Hinageshi was noticing it. "You know that look on his face when he receives bad news? Why? Do you know what it is?"

"Bad news?" I reiterated. "Uh…no, I don’t know any bad news." The only bad news I know are that I kissed him last night and he’s tying the knot with Ayame tonight, I added in my head. "Do you know?"

"‘Course not," Hinageshi replied. "That’s why I was asking you."

"Well, I’m off to find out." I gave her a smile. "See you later."

"Ja mata." Hinageshi closed the door behind her.

As she did, I fell back on my bed, hearing blood pump in my ears.

Koenma-sama wanted to see me.

I closed my eyes, feeling dread wash over me. I couldn’t face him, I thought. Maybe I’d just tell him I still feel sick.

On second thought, he might come in to my room and ask me what’s going on. Who knows what might happen next.

I stood up and walked over the dresser once more, looking at the girl on the mirror. The couple wrecker. The deceiver. And she was supposed to be the good, kind, understanding one.

At least the girl there had told the one she loves how she really feels—defying all the risks and the consequences her action might bring.

Would Koenma get mad at me?

Would he?

I closed my eyes and recalled the events of the past night…of him, his eyes, his body…his lips….

He kissed me back.

And he wasn’t drunk or anything.

I’m not the one who’s got a problem, I gasped in sudden realization. He is!

I took my kimono and a towel. I’m going to see Koenma-sama, I decided firmly. It’s now or never.

"Who is it?"

"Botan," I said, trying to make my voice flat, but I knew it quivered. The fact was, I was quivering from head to toe.

"Botan," I heard Koenma-sama’s almost choked-out reply. "Come in."

George the oni came out of the room even before I had the chance to turn the knob of the door. George gave me a warning look.

Does he know?

Knowing Koenma-sama, he wouldn’t ever tell anyone about it. And since everybody acted fine when they saw me, I made an educated guess: our secret is safe.

For now.

George let me into the room before he closed the door.

I looked up from the floor. Koenma-sama wasn’t in his usual place in front of his desk, stamping papers. He was in the middle of his room, with his back on me, just standing there, his hands in his pockets.

We were alone in the room, the two of us.

I mustered up all my courage to speak up. "You called for me, Koenma-sama?"

"Yes," he quickly replied without facing me. "I did."

I lowered my gaze again and shifted my weight from one foot to another. "So…?"

I heard Koenma-sama clear his throat. "We have a lot of things to discuss," he said in his usual for-business-purposes-only voice.

I kept quiet, dreading the rest of his discourse.

"About last night." His voice was shaking. "I don’t want you to think of it as something serious. You were drunk. That’s all."

I took a deep breath. "And you were…?"

This time, Koenma turned to look at her. "So you’re asking me now."

I ground my teeth together, trying to gain control of myself. He was questioning my right to ask. My right to ask him? Wasn’t it all I ever have to assert myself?

With wild eyes, I looked up at him. "I was drunk and that’s all there is?!" My chest heaved as I burst out what was inside of me. "Weren’t you the one who kissed me back, Koenma?"

I knew he was fighting not to shout back, but he still did. "How dare you talk to me like that!"

"I’ve talked to you worse than this!" I felt tears stinging my eyes. "Why are you pushing me away now, now that I know—we both know—that somehow, somewhere deep inside you, you have feelings for me?"

I saw Koenma frantically look above my head, as if dreading that anyone would hear.

"Right now, I don’t give a damn if the whole Reikai hears me," I cried until my throat hurt. "You’re not even man enough to fight for what you feel! Answer me now, Koenma. Why did you do it?!"

I breathed for air sharply. I needed it after my speech. My plan to keep quiet through this had blown, leaving him on the spot. Right where I wanted him to be. Just when I thought he wanted to admit that he loves me, he denies it. His feelings. He was fooling himself, I knew.

Koenma stared back at me. His face that had been adamantine a while ago was now showing signs of bewilderment and defeat.

Until finally, he let his face fall. He turned around and walked towards the balcony.

"Well?"

He looked over his shoulder. "Follow me, Botan."

I almost smiled at my triumph, but decided not to. What was Koenma going to tell me, anyhow?

The sky was clear on that morning. I remembered it as what it was like the first time I met Koenma…right at this very place, when he told me that I would become a Reikai ferry girl.

"Botan," he began, running his fingers through his dark brown hair, "I…I’m confused about my…myself. My feelings. I guess I’ve always been…since I met you."

Time must have stopped. I simply couldn’t believe it. He did…he did love me…from that very moment, when I met him?

"I was very, very young then," he continued, looking up at the sky—apparently averting his gaze from me. "And when you came in, I happened to be in this teenage form." He chuckled a bit. "I’ve always thought that what I felt then—this…unexplainable flutter inside my chest—was just part of the teenage form. Silly, isn’t it?" He vaguely smiled.

I didn’t even force one smirk. I let him go on.

"I held on to that belief—that what I felt then it wasn’t anything serious—as I went on with life. And as years, decades, centuries went by, I always thought of you as my friend and my favorite ferry girl. Which you are. And one thing is for sure—I’m always happy when I’m with you."

I didn’t know why I looked up to him, but when I did, he was gazing at me, smiling, even though his eyes were serious. But then, I noticed that it was some kind of a…low-spirited smile.

He looked away once more. "Along came Ayame…with your help."

At the sound of her name, I felt little knives twist inside my heart.

"There’s something in Ayame that I never felt in any other woman," he said, now tearing up my heart to pieces. "I don’t know what it is. It was just like…something told me that this could be love. And as I got to know her better, I felt more and more…drawn to her. I…don’t know if it’s the same feeling I felt when I met you." He suddenly buried his face into his hands. "I’m really confused—very confused, at the very wrong time!"

Silence blanketed us for a few uncomfortable seconds.

"When you kissed me last night," he went on, his voice muffled in his hands, "I realized…that there was something I’ve been missing…after all."

I knew that he wasn’t saying anything more, so I felt it was my turn to talk.

"May I ask you, Koenma," I said, "how long you have known Ayame?"

He turned around to look at me, evidently dumbfounded. "I…more than…two years?"

"How long have you known me?" I asked.

He knew that I was leading to his dead end, but he responded. "Many…years."

"And who is the one who always makes you smile, whom you’re always happy with?"

I saw him wince. "You are," he said. He pointed an accusing finger at me. "You, you…you…"

"Yes, me," I said calmly, putting a hand over my chest. "And whom do you think should you marry? The one who makes your heart flutter, or the one who makes your heart smile?"

He stared at me dead straight in the eye, as if letting what I had just said process in is mind. And I knew—I knew I was right.

He straightened up his hunched back and dropped his arm down. "When you…left Ayame and me alone, way back then…" He was talking about that date. "Why did you do it, in spite of your feelings?"

Maybe he didn’t know that I had no answer to that.

"I…maybe I…was confused then, as well. And…" I looked down on the ground. "I realized what I’ve been missing…when it’s too late."

That was it. We were both too late. We had both been confused with our feelings. We didn’t know what LOVE is until…it was too late.

Tonight, Koenma was getting married.

"If…that’s how we feel," I tried to laugh, "then maybe you could cancel everything out."

"I…I’ve thought of that."

His face became overwhelmed with hurt all too suddenly, when I mentioned canceling everything out.

"A-and…?"

He closed his eyes and turned around, so that I couldn’t see his face. "Last night, when I ran back to the banquet hall, I was like a madman myself," he said. "And I couldn’t even sleep. During that time when I was awake, I thought, maybe I should cancel everything out, to sort out my thoughts first. Maybe Ayame and I had arranged our wedding too suddenly."

When he faced me again, he was holding a scroll. "Until I received this."

He handed it to me. I looked at his hands. They were trembling.

"What’s this?"

He shook his head. "I—you read it."

I looked up at him inquisitively—but stopped short when I saw tears forming in his eyes.

I unrolled the scroll and read the inscription on it.

And as I did, I felt horror grip my throat.

To Koenma, the Prince of all Reikai,

We sincerely apologize due to the tardiness of this report to you, for we at the Ferry Girl Training Fort are also busy awaiting your wedding. When we learned about this, we relayed this message to you as soon as possible.

One of our ferry girls is scheduled to quit her life as a spirit guide here in Reikai. As soon as she does, her spirit shall be reborn again on Ningenkai, thus continuing the cycle of rebirth.

The name of the ferry girl is Botan. She shall pass away on exactly midnight on the next full moon, which is also, unfortunately, the night of your wedding.

No one, except for you, our Lord, and the ferry girl, should know.

All of us here send our deepest condolences.

I heard a loud click near my feet.

The scroll had slipped off my hands without me noticing.

"No," I whispered hoarsely. "I can’t—this can’t be real….This…is a wrong report, Koenma!"

"Forgive me, Botan." A bead of tear rolled down Koenma’s nose bridge. "But…not even I can do anything."

The sentence lingered in my mind, killing my senses, myself slowly. I didn’t notice tears squeeze their way out of my eyes.

The name of the ferry girl is Botan.

She shall pass away on exactly midnight on the next full moon, which is also, unfortunately, the night of your wedding.

When the death of most ningens come unexpected, here is a report, telling me that I’m scheduled to die.

Die.

And I had thought that I’m immortal, with a life that will last…forever.

Death.

The one who ferried endless souls into Reikai…is meeting Death itself.

What about my friends? Will I remember them in my next life?

What about…Koenma?

The next thing I knew, Koenma held me tightly, both of us sobbing, I clutching his clothes in my fist, feeling anger, terror, madness invade my whole being. I shut my eyes out and saw dreadful-looking youkais coming towards me, grinning menacingly, opening their awful jaws as if to eat me.

I screamed. I pressed both of my hands on both sides of my head, whipping it from side to side, still squealing.

"Botan!" Koenma yelled, pain heard in his voice. "Onegai, yamete!"

"No…" I rasped as I finally found the strength to look up at him. He took me in his arms again and hugged me tightly.

"I—I don’t…I don’t want to…" I heard his whisper in my ear. One of his hot tears fell on my cheek. "I don’t want to lose you, Botan…"

"I don’t want to die!" I found myself shrieking, pressing my face on his chest as I did. I broke down to tears once more. "I…I’m scared, Koenma-sama…."

"So am I," he replied. "So am I, Botan…."

"Why does this have to happen to me now?" I cried. "Now that I know—we know that…"

I snapped my eyes open.

Wait. Did Koenma just say that…he loves me…for the sake of…?

I pushed him away, my gaze now reproaching. "You—you…"

Koenma shook his head helplessly, wiping his tears away with his sleeves.

"You can’t be really in love with me," I said. "You only said that…because I’m dying tonight."

"What are you SAYING?" Koenma’s voice rose. "A while ago I told you everything—and now, you want me to erase everything I said?!"

"No!" I screeched. "Because you want me to think that you love me…but the truth is, you’re happy to get rid of me. After tonight…Ayame is yours!"

"Iie, you’re NOT thinking logically, Botan!" Koenma grabbed me by the shoulders. "Calm down, please!"

My oar magically appeared on my hand. Without thinking, I hopped on it.

"Wait!" Koenma held on to the oar. "What are you doing?!"

"I—I can’t stay here any longer." I felt more tears falling down. "This is stupid, you know! All of it! Everything is just so—unfair!"

Without saying goodbye, I sped off. I didn’t know where I was headed for.

All I knew was that Koenma-sama was calling my name as I went away.

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