The Latest draft of the Anglican Eucaristic Rite (1997) (For use on morning services unless specified)

1. The Entrance

(A gratuitously virtuosic organ piece may be played. If they are capable, all five members of the congregation may stand)
Leader: The Lord be with you
All: What have you done to your hair? Isn't the church looking nice this morning?
Leader: Turn up your hearing aids
All: Oooh! Sorry!
Leader:Let us give thanks to the Lord
All: It is probably right to give him thanks and praise.
(Mad feminists may say "her" in place of "him" if they say it in a really loud voice and then look around to see if anyone heard)
Leader: It is not only right it is our duty and joy, and..er..wouldn't it be terrible if no-one came here to worship..and, like, the church would close and that would be a bad thing wouldn't it..and..er..we could all have a lie in..so we have to really, it's for the good of the community, and we don't have to do anything, just as long as we turn up.
All: Thanks be to God. Amen
Leader: Let us pray.
(All put their head down and scratch their nose. If a small baby is present it should start crying here.)
All: Almighty God,
Though we are Church members,
And therefore pillars of peity,
We ask your forgivness,
For our sins,
(All stare meaning fully at Mrs. Trellis, as the whole church knows she's shagging the guy from the post office, and him with a wife and four kids too.)
Not that we can think of anything in particular,
That we personally have done that is wrong,
We are sorry anyway, and beseech your forgiveness,
We ask this in the name of your son, what ever he was called,
Amen

2. The Collection

(An organ solo may be played, to which the congregation may mumble along to. The first verse is obliterated by the rattling of huge amounts of change. After all the congregation has contributed, probably by the beining of verse 2, the person doing the collection comes to the front of the church and stands there while the next six verses are sung)
(The priest takes the bowl, which contains 14 1/2p, 50 spanish pesetas, and two washers the same size as those on the radiator by the back wall, and recites the following prayer)
Leader: Lord God, We dedicate these gifts to you, and take them as a symbol of the amount of dedication we have to you. The money we will use to futher the life of your church, by having a coffee morning on Tuesday,
All: Amen

3. The Lesson


(The person with lhe quietest, least intellegable voice in the whole church comes to the Lectern and reads about four chapters of Isiah. It is of utmost importance that this has nothing to do with the subject matter of the sermon. After the reading the following is said:)
Reader: Mumble, mumble, mumble.
All: Thanks be to God

4. The Sermon


(Advice for preachers. The ideal sermon will last about 10mins, or untill the entire congregation falls asleep. The purpose of the sermon is to give the congregation time to: catch up on any missed sleep, decide on the colour that they will paint their bathroom, clear out their handbag/wallet and/or think lustful thoughts about the young verger in front of them. If any of your congregation show any signs of listening to you, this is a serious matter and should be rectified in one of the following ways:
Affect a high-pitched nasal drone and turn the heating right up
Mention any obscure theologian and quote from them at length
Recount a long,dull story about your personal life.(N.B: this works better if you put a really weak punchline at the end and then expect to get a laugh) Quote from the book of Numbers, the only biblical book that was obviously written by a chartered accountant.)

(Advice for congregation members:

When a preacher is newly ordained you may find that they are very keen and very excitable. In some cases they actually want you to listen to the sermon. This is easily rectifiable in the following way:
During the sermon show no visible response to anything the preacher says; simply stare blankly at a point 12inches above his/her head. If the preacher says something really exciting, simply scratch your nose absent-mindedly. During the summing-up, be sure to blow your nose or cough loudly. After a few Sundays of this you will find that the preacher has lost all his radical views)

(After the sermon:) Leader: Now let us profess our faith:
All: We belive in what ever we have to,
Whatever means we are fine upstanding moral citizens,
We belive in dull liturgy, and in coffee mornings,
In Jumble sales and in the Monday women's Guild,
We belive in the Holy Trinity,
Apathy, Self-Righteousness, and Having more Clergy than Leity,
We belive in anything else that we have forgotten, And we belive it is time for Mrs Mackintosh to go and put the kettle on so we can have tea in the Church hall after the service,
Amen

5. The exit of Mrs Mackintosh to go and make the tea.

(A hymn may be mumbled. For evening services, any church member who wishes to have more than two pints before last orders may also leave here.)

6. The Eucharistic Prayers

Leader: Almighty God, my Congregation never actually follow this bit in the book, so I can say what ever I want and when I pause they will all say: "Thanks be to God, Amen."
All: Thanks be to God. Amen
Leader: Blah blah blah, taking the bread, ooby-dooby-doo, take drink as this is my blood shed for you, needle-nardle-noo, do this as often as you eat/drink/snort it, in rememberance of me.
All: Thanks be to God. Amen.
Leader: Actually I was wrong earlier, right at the end they all say something else.
All: Lord we are not worthy to recieve you, but because we all talk in chorus and ,this being very biblical; insomuch as the idea of a scentance of this complexity and verbosity being spontaneously uttered by a large group of people is laughable (with the possible exception of pentecostalists); if you only say the word we shall be made even more holy than we are now.Though we are many, we are all one, because we all talk in one voice. Amen.

7. The Communion Rite

( A hymn may be sung while the priest ponces about with the bread and wine)
(When the priest is ready, the congregation will all line up in a nice little line to get their sacrament, elders first, obviously as they are more important in God's eyes)

(When the communicant recieves the wine, the following is said:
Leader: Blood of Christ.
Communicant: Amen (NOT "bottoms up" or "Cheers!")
When the communicant recieves the bread the following is said:
 Leader: Body of Christ
Communicant: Amen
(If the communicant is young and beautiful, the following may be used instead:
 Leader: Christ, What a body! Communicant: EITHER *blushes* OR "Bugger off, you fithy perve!") (After all the communicants have recieved the host, the remaining wine must be downed, in one, by the priest))
Leader (pissed): Almighty fasher, I loves you, you're my besht mate, you are...
All: Amen.

8. The end of the service

(Nobody really cares what happens here, a few prayers, a seven-verse closing hymn and you should be OK, apart from these closing lines)
Leader: The Lord be with you
All: And also with you
Leader: The eucharist is ended. Go in peace.
All: Thanks be to God for that!

(If you are real sadists,you can do another hymn here. If not the organist can play some tacky circus music as the congregation escapes.)

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