The obvious reaction here is to think that it will never be you that is caught up in this nonsense. But, to paraphrase them 'Talking Heads', "you may find yourself in a Church in another part of town. And you may think to yourself 'This is not my religion!' and you may ask yourself 'What is this Church?'"
Chances are, you have stumbled upon a 'Conservative Evangelical' type church. Try this simple test to check that this horrible conclusion is indeed the correct one.
Score Conclusion
40+ Liberal
30-40 Moderate Liberal
15-30 Mainstream Church
5-15 Conservative Evangelical
-10-5 Fundamentalist
below -10 Paul-worshiping Cult
If it is indeed an Evangelical type church (Score<15), try these simple games to help you get through the tedium of the service.
(1) Count the number of times the word 'Lord' is used during the prayers. Divide this value by the number of minutes the prayer lasts for to get a Lords-per-minute (L.p.m) value for the prayer leader. Die-hard fundamentalists have been know to reach speeds in excess of 35 L.p.m ; your usual conservative evangelical will be averaging about 20 L.p.m.
(2) Evangelicals teach that the Bible is the 'infallible Word of
God'. Have a look through during the address and see how many
mistakes or obvious stupidity you can find. You and a like-minded
friend could have competitions to find:
-The most unlikely age of childbearing in the Old Testament.
-Any two passages of the Bible that refer to the same event
but with changes of time, personnel or setting.
-All the discrepancies between the two creation stories in
Genesis. (useful for long sermons)
-An unrefutable reason why Moses could not possibly have
written the pentateuch.
(3) Going on from the last point, find all the bits in the Bible that are opposed to the Conservative Evangelical style of faith. Show these to members of the congregation after the service, particularly those who were pleased to see you reading the Bible.
(4) Stand up during a time of prayer and loudly pray for Christian unity, an individually spirit-led approach to the Bible or a freedom of faith. Alternatively, bring along a catholic friend and convince her/him to say a Hail Mary.
(5) Watch and listen to the worship band carefully. Count the
number of songs that:
-Have less than 4 guitar chords.
-Sound like a poor imitation of 'Whatever' by Oasis or
'Walkaway' by Cast.
-Have a spectacularly peurile lyric.
-Have an obvious double entendre (i.e "God has put his
tongue into my mouth")
(6) Place bets on the next member of the congregation to fall over due to mass hysteria (or 'Rapture' as they call it)
(7) Wait until someone speaks in tongues, then claim to be a scholar of ancient Hebrew and translate the "Divine utterance" as 'The LORD your God says "You're all a hopeless bunch of sensationalist repressed guilt-ridden loons. Go to a real Church next week and stop bothering me."' (leave by the nearest exit to avoid being stoned to death)
(8) Burst into hysterical laughter at the idiocity of the whole thing. Later claim you were "Touched by the Spirit"
(9) Bring a rubber duck and toy boat to sail in the full-immersion baptismal. (10) (for night-time use) Invest in a large glow-in-the-dark Blessed Virgin Mary from your local emporium of Catholic Tat. Arrange for it to be lowered outside during the service. Point to it excitedly and suggest it is a "sign". See how many people start to venerate it.
N.B: The author takes no responsibility for any personal injury that carrying out these suggestions may entail. Fundamentalists are a scary lot; the best course of action is to Leave the building immediately and head for the nearest pub.I'll see you there- mine's a pint of bitter.