who i am.... name: april fraze current home: minnesota date of birth: 4/5/1974 favorite color: blue favorite flower: sunflower contact me icq: the other pages.... home my tapelist archives my gardenweb page random profound thought.... if i had my way every flower would have five petals that way he'd always love me...	4.28.2000 i take more baths now than i used to. and i have a lot more kinks in my neck. i believe it is directly related to the amount of time i spend sitting in uncomfortable chairs. i just filled the tub to the brim and settled in with a robbins novel. piling my thoughts one by one into the robbins frame, i disguised the low points from the week. the plan is somewhat of a binge and purge in reverse. "come on, april. just don't think of work or dan for a few minutes." i started out reading with the book sitting on my propped up knees....all bent and gnarled and stiff. i regained control of my thoughts with only the occasional lapse when i finally leaned back and got comfortable and stopped worrying about dropping the book in the water. that's why i buy my own books....so i can get them dirty and dog ear the pages and write in them. i like to think they appreciate it....it makes them feel loved in a velveteen rabbit sort of way, but anyway. the agreement was a bath with a clear head to ease my aching neck and then i would unload at the computer. the neck is all better. here's the way my days have worked out thus far.....our first week of open: wake up, leave home at 7:00, reach work at 8:30....it varies really. i sit in my office with a phone...no computer. i take approximately 4 calls...i make a few for fun stuff...i call hq.....many, many, many times....i must look like a stalker....no one calls back....all day. i leave at 5:00...sometimes i sneak out early out of sheer boredom....i drive home....i get here at about 6:30....i walk the dog and sit down at the computer and answer e-mail from work and people who wish to become members of our organization....i also work on our monthly magazine. then i go to bed. it's gotten me behind on my correspondence...well, a lot more than usual that is...... things have felt tough and tiring...but the good makes up for the bad.....my thoughts have vacated the negative at several pretty opportune moments....for the past 3 days i have thoroughly enjoyed the trip home from the office. maybe it's because it's the only time i've had that i haven't been worried about work.....regardless, i wanted to rejoice in my heightened senses. wednesday: block two of the walk to the truck...i pass the funeral home and notice the increased number of cars in the lot....that's funny, the first block also held the celebration of someone's life on this earth. my nose catches the powdery sweet smell of carnations. it's a smell i have known since i had my first taste of the ulitmate good-bye. your sense of smell is the sense located most closely to the part of your brain containing memories....that's why a familiar whiff can really take you back. i thought of my grandfather and my first funeral and marveled at how that memory was the consistent association. i still recall the spring and summer prior to my grandfather's death....i still remember his trek up the incline that was our yard with a stuffed pink bunny...his nose was like a piece of candy, the bunny's, not my grandfather's....and the times he came over with his little watermelons....the perfect size for perry and i...we each got our own....i think it inflamed my mother, because watermelon had a consequence: i would certainly wet the bed that night.....simple times for country kids and their family. thursday: as i round the corner to cross over to the parking lot i pick up the fragrance of some sort of flower in bloom. on the other side of the street brightly colored pink blossoms adorn the trees lining the street. my smile is difficult to contain.... friday: as i exit our office building today my ears are alerted to the music of bagpipes floating out of the church doors across the street. i assume it is a wedding since about an hour earlier on one of my fresh air breaks i saw a bride and groom having their photos made by the river. the drive home was accompanied by billy bragg and wilco, followed by son volt, courtesy of john. i took a new route along a county road in hopes of finding a "better way." i have a hard time driving these days...minnesota has the greenest spring i have ever seen and the hills of farmland lead off to tree lines in the distance. i swerve as i take in the reaches of the land. there is no end or tight little loop to end this saga....my train of thought has grown weary... 4.2000 warning: this entry may contain a tinge of mean-spiritedness. i have always been a doormat. it's a trait i get from both of my parent's who are both incredibly friendly people....always taking a back seat to another's wishes and ulitmately being walked over. but we all have our breaking points. over the past couple of years the distance between the point of being taken advantage of and the point where i erupt has narrowed. i consider myself to be a very giving person and if someone is in need i'll contribute....but i have no desire to be anyone's mother at this point. the so-called "hippie" subculture is a very beautiful one. there are so many people who are giving and loving and sharing. it's a wonderful place to be. i have loved the people i have met and i often wonder if i'll ever pay off my karmic debt...but i try. of course, like any culture of providers you have your leeches. recently i took on a friend as a roommate.....a very loving guy i knew when i was in school. the plan was that i would come here in january and he would be here in a month. well, time flew by and finally at the end of march he informed me he was ready to come...something about his roommates asking him for rent. i assumed he wanted to get out before he had to pay april's so he could get here. well, long story short he has been here about a month now....april's rent...i paid the total. in addition i have fed him, cleaned up after him and taken on his dog, who is so starved for care that it sickens me. there was a point in april where i had $0 and i was looking at a 2 week stretch without any relief. i hinted....thinking just maybe he could fly some cash my way for the rent. he had a job after all and after filing bankruptcy last year he has no bills. imagine my surprise when he took his last paycheck and bought a $200 tape deck....then when we went out he spent another $50 on books, compact disks and blank tapes. i was hurt. what kind of vibe do i put out that makes people think i'm a willing supporter....and i was even more upset that the little things had started to bother me. everyday i seethed over it. the beers in the fridge that disappeared...including my boyfriend's...the loud music at 3:00am when i work dayshift. it was becoming way too much. this weekend quickly became the last straw. he had went to stay with my friends in winona and got in an accident driving to the liquor store. mr. responsible has no insurance, registration (maybe not evn a license), so they towed his van. he's still there. well, i inquired about his plans....the answer, write a bad check to get his bus back. what does that mean, boys and girls? the check he gave me for rent is going to bounce. it's inevitable. normally i would be a little more understanding and would give him a little time to straighten things out....but i opted to be the bitch. i don't want to have to carry any baggage. i have enough of my own.....when i expressed some disdain he mailed me this line..."is this about the april rent? if so, you're as about as deep as a sheet of paper." i couldn't believe it! i had taken care of this guy and he had the nerve to insult me. what an ass....well, i don't take that anymore. i decided he had to leave...and i meant now. as far as i am concerned he can bounce his way back to indiana on rubber checks. tonight i came home and on one hour of sleep i packed all of his belongings and hauled them onto the 3 season porch. that way he can pick them up while i'm at work without having access to the house. good thing i never gave him the key to the deadbolt. after the decisions had been made the stress of the past 3 weeks melted away. my drive home from work tonight was beautiful...minnesota's getting green. i've realized that at some point in life you really have to say it is o.k. to dump the baggage that weighs you down. times living alone can be hard, but it doesn't improve anything by bringing on deadweight...and sure, sometimes you may get some backlash for taking care of yourself, but if you don't, then who will? it feels good to know this will all be over soon and i will once agin be on my own. i think i have become a responsible person over the past couple of years. i still party, but i am always careful that i do at my own expense rather than someone else's. maybe that's why i have such a hard time footing the bill for someone else's ride.....i'll get you over the first hill, but you have to pedal your own way down...... 4.12.2000 maybe i should rename this section the "whenever i feel like it jive." many of my emotions and thoughts have been expressed in the main page of this site courtesy of blogger, so i pretty much run out of time or drive when it comes to this page. i figure no one really reads it anyway, and i have other ways of recording my feelings, sooooooo....... today my body feels like it has been run over by a john deere. it sucks. to relieve the tension in my limbs i tried a nice soak in the tub. i ran water as warm as i could handle and mixed in a large amount of strawberry milk bath. the bubbles reached the rim of the tub once i situated myself in the soapy warmth. i turned out the lights and lit a candle thinking it might be nice to have something to focus on. i stared at the candle for approximately 15 minutes when i realized i was thinking of work. no, no, this wouldn't do. i cleared my head and meditated on the flame. it's yellow flicker resembled a profile shot of a yellow finger. i began to think of kerouac's roman candle metaphor and how the blue center was the hottest part of the flame....the single thing i remembered from chemistry class. i couldn't see the blue center on the candle, but i noticed a somewhat blue hue surrounding the flame. i thought that was somewhat odd, but i didn't question it too far. it could be blue wherever it wanted. you see, lately i've been tired. i have such a hard time getting out of bed to carry on the facade as employee. my work has me down. i'm also feeling restless. for the last 4 or so years i've known where i want to be....colorado. the problem is that it has never seemed to be a reasonable option. my family has always been 100% behind my success with the company i work for now.....that is until a couple of days ago....when i found out that my salaried butt was expected to pull a month of saturdays in the office. my parents are paid hourly and they really can't imagine giving up an extra free day without pay. it's the kind of break i've been waiting for. finally they understand the misrepresentations i've experienced since the move. the veil has been lifted...even though it isn't a major deal to have to work saturdays it's what i need to finally have their support. i'll take it. if nothing else they can finally understand my dismay....and if i do decide to move on to another job or aeven another state...they will finally understand. 3.29.2000 i like working with my hands. today i did a small amount of raking and started my compost bin. it's such a satisfying type of work. i only put a small dent in the rather large yard, but i could see a difference. yesterday i cleared the reminders of last autumn's death (and possibly the autumn before that) from the flower beds by the house. i laughed when i found a piece of vinyl siding about 3 foot long under all the rubbish.....did the people here before me ever touch this yard? i know there was a tornado sometime, but i was thinking that was 2 years ago....geez. some bulbs have begun to peek out from the depths of their slumber, stretching their limbs toward the warming sun. i find excitement in the re-birth of spring. spring brings new possibilities....new seeds to sow, wonderful possibilities. this spring has me particularly excited. this is my first time in minnesota for the warm weather and i relish the idea of new places to explore. jeff has promised to take me morel hunting, and i can't wait to have fresh mushrooms for dinner. morels are the only mushrooms i like. i've also been thinking about trying to get out to do a little ginseng hunting. i used to go with my father, but that was years ago and i can't be certain that i would even recognize the herb if i did see it. it really doesn't matter....i have a wonderful vision of tromping through the wilderness playing the part of the scavenger. it's satisfying. 3.28.2000 sometimes i get lost. today while dan and i were on our way back from waseca i realized that i was wandering around completely oblivious to "things". i've been in a professional rut that has me worried to a degree. the move and promotion have me in a position of responsibility that presses a little fear into my brain. i have begun to bury myself in it. it's a common thing for me. i go through stages of complete worry that settle in like a bad dream that i cannot wake from....the only logical escape is a shut down. that's where i have been for the past 3 months. i have spent so much time bitching about work and becoming personally bent from the situation, that i have ceased all productivity. it's a scary place to end up, because it's a hard hole to crawl out of and it's a 24 hour thing. it happened a few times in college and i know how upset i get with myself. watching my days wither by only stirs my dismay. i believe things will improve eventually. they always do. i just wish i knew the answers. socially, i love my life. i've made wonderful friends and i'm in love. brad has proven over and over again that he has staying power. i would be lying if i didn't admit there is an element of fear. it's always hard to tell in the beginning if someone can really handle the bad times. my range of emotions can be quite expansive and i often worry that my moods repel people. also, every relationship where i have been devoutly enamored with someone has ended up in disaster. it's scary to consider, but it still plagues me. i have decided to put it aside and enjoy the ride. my worries only serve to injure a wonderful situation. 3.21.2000 my little brother's heart is broken. it's rough talking to him about it, because i know how he is......he falls hard and doesn't recover well. his girlfriend, krissi, has broken up with him and is now playing the "i want you back"/"i need time" game. it kills me to talk to him when he gets like this, because i know his pain. 3.16.2000 bradley is coming to visit tonight. i'm excited and happy. it's wonderful for me, because i've never met anyone like him. we were introduced the weekend before last at jeff's cook-out. when i first saw him i was plowed over.....i just had a feeling he was going to be the next guy to break my heart. that night i got pretty smashed. we went to a winona bar to see the dammit jims play and i danced. i remember stealing peeks in his direction and trying to strike up conversation. he was polite, but seemed to be maintaining a distance. i had no idea what to do, so i let it rest. sunday i drove home, kind of curious about the attraction....excited that i was all giddy. i hadn't felt that in so long. of course i tried to keep my cool, because i know how i am and many people find my overwhelming affection and sudden attraction a bit suspect. by sunday night i couldn't sleep. i had hit a slump that worried me....here was this great guy, who i totally dug....and he was 2 hours away. how do you work your magic over such a distance? well, he did icq me after jeff gave him my number, but conversation was somewhat distant. i was subtle, but flirtatious. nothing. by tuesday i was ready to get over it before i got super worried about it, then i decided (with a little persuasion from a friend) to just be honest. hell, it would at least clear the air and allow me to either get over it or get on with it. either way i couldn't lose. so i sent brad an icq message admitting that i had a small crush and had felt some sort of weird connection. i told him i'd like to get a chance to get to know him, no expectations. his response thrilled me. apparently he had felt a connection, but like a lot of other people that night, he thought i was with jeff. so we agreed to get together last weekend. he was coming on saturday. all week we talked over icq and by thursday there were plans that he might try to make it friday. friday at about 7:30 he called to tell me he was on his way. at about 10:00 he knocked on the door and i was completely freaked out. i really didn't know much about this guy and who knew what we'd talk about....my solution: we walk down to the local bar and have a few drinks. the rest of the weekend is between myself and bradley, but i will say it was nothing short of magical. he left monday morning and we've talked every day since. i have never met someone who is so free with their feelings or who works to make me feel special. we have the kind of affection that might make spectators sick, and as a matter of fact sunday afternoon a lady did stare at us when we stopped by k-mart to look for tapes. oh well, she's just jealous, because we have something that she let slip. we still have the newness on our side, but i think we'll keep things sharp. it's worth the work to make things last. by the way, brad reads this site....that's how cool it is....i can say what i feel and think and not worry.... i told him one day that it was incredible that we could talk about us the way we do...we have a relationship that started out in honesty and continues to disprove the necessity of games in romantic involvements. so tonight.....call up that person...tell them you dig them....see where it goes...... 3.9.2000 You know that I love you, Baby, but you just won't let me. You know that I love you, Baby, but you just won't let me. Every morning I get up, I sip my cup; My eyes get red, no-one to hear me. One more thing I'd like to say right here, Baby, but you just won't let me. One more thing I'd like to say right here, Baby, but you just won't let me. I'd like to say: baby, you so nice: I'd like to do the same thing twice, yeah! Baby, you so nice. I'd like to do the same thing twice. I love you so much, so-o-o- Love you - love you, baby, so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I live in the woods alone; I need your (company) company. Baby! Woods alone! I need your company, yeah! Every morning I get up, I sip my cup; My eyes get red, no-one to hear me. One more thing I'd like to say right here, Baby, but you just won't let me, yeah! One more thing I'd like to say right here, Baby, but you just won't let me. I'd like to say: baby, you so nice: Do the same thing twice, yeah! Baby, you so nice; I'd like to do the same thing twice; I love you, baby, so much. --do it twice, bob marley apologies for entering an entire song, but damn, i feel good! this is just a suitable song for my mood. brother bob weaves his magic again....and i'd like to give another kudos for napster for access to the tune. do you remember how when you were young you would get that feeling in your belly the week before christmas? the excitement and anticipation was almost too much. nothing could wash away my smile when i knew santa was soon making his yearly stop. well, i have that feeling right now, waiting for the weekend. weekends are such a release....no worries about work for 2 whole days. who could ask for anything more?! it's a good thing to be free from professional obligations. secondly, i have actually made plans for the weekend! since i spend my entire week with only my pets, i always feel better knowing that i can actually have a face to face conversation with another person.....and if that all seems too good to be true: i think we're taking our dogs hiking...where? i haven't decided. there are several nice lakes around here and since the weather has cooled, but left little in the way of white stuff, i doubt there will be much competition for ground space. in case you aren't aware, that generally means free roam for doggies. lord knows kyra could use it. she's been tortured with vet visits and that silly looking collar, so i'm certain she will be thrilled to stretch her legs and get a good breeze under her feet. and wait, there's more: i'm actually going to be hanging out with brad, who i recently met. we are only scantily acquainted, so it's exciting to have the opportunity to get to know each other. he seems like such an intelligent and loving person, and i'm really loking forward to the occasion. so there you have it. my glorious weekend, a time to shake off the work week blues and let loose in the woods. 3.7.2000 the world is too much with us? who said that? what started out as a good day has gotten me down. i had hope to call it a night early, but i stayed up late, and here i am at 1:30am typing out my hang-ups. i think i have just realized that romance truly is dead. why is it not ok to walk up to someone and say,"you know i'd like to spend time with you, would you like to get together?" i guess it's possible, but then, being female, i run the risk of coming off pushy. for some reason men assume that all women are looking for a lifetime commitment. perhaps that's true to a degree, but you know i still believe that i'll kiss a lot of frogs before i find my prince. the problem as of late, no frogs in the pond. just me sitting on my lily-pad. you see, i kind of have a crush. it's a new thing, but it's exciting for me, because i haven't found very many people that interest me lately. so, of course, i wish to see things along. the problem: the crush is founded on a very brief interlude and our paths will be unlikely to cross on a regular basis. i guess it's a waiting game. sitting here waiting to see if i'll ever see him again. the easy thing to do would be to ask him to hang out, but it's also the hardest thing, as well. i hate rejection. not to mention the last guy i asked out just stopped talking to me after a few attempts at getting together via e-mail and phone calls. i let it drop. it was kind of strange, because i met him at a party before i moved here and he e-mailed me first regarding a get together i had. i saw him at another soiree and we talked about getting together, then a few mails and a phone call and nothing. ob-la-di, ob-la-da. i don't feel like i missed out on the love of a lifetime, just an opportunity to hang out with a really cool person. funny, huh? oh well, this is probably really uninteresting, so i won't carry on. i just fear that i have lost my ability to flirt and draw interest. it seems that once you reach 25 you become the commitment type and are untouchable (except by those who are hell bent on finding that type). i remember the days when you met some guy out with your friends. he called, you talked, you met up again, hung out stayed up a lot later than you should've and then ended the night with a sweet kiss that kept your stomach fluttering for days. or even the days where you went out with some guy and ended the date as good friends. sheesh....when did it all get so complicated. i hear from shanti that i shouldn't plan, but just go with the flow. i've taken that advice and adhered to it. i'm not planning anymore, but i have to admit that some things do need a little nudge, wouldn't you think? 3.6.2000 sometimes things just slap you in the face when you least expect it. i won't elaborate, because it's too personal to let go of right now, but it's a good kind of slap....well, at least it could be. my question: why do i have a hard time controlling my behavior when i get thrown for a loop? is there some key to keeping your cool? sometimes i'm nothing more than a blubbering teen-age girl, and i want so badly to be an attractive, calm and cool lady. 3.3.2000 now playing: almost cut my hair, csn&y well, i suppose this hasn't been much of a "daily" thing now has it? today has me so psyched. my site has had 50 visitors so far! it's insane how quickly the traffic has increased and i would be lying if i didn't say i was flattered. the cool thing is that many of the visitors actually stick around for a bit. i can't really believe that anyone would find this stuff interesting! today was another beautiful day. kyra and i did a cruise through town...i even ran. i've been thinking about starting to run regularly. unfortunately, i have such skinny ankles that i typically end up having a rough time walking afterwards. i guess i could wrap them, but that pretty much sucks. tonight i've been feeling a little bit hobbled, but not too bad. my uncle dwayne always said i had bird legs. the sky has been such a deep, rich hue of blue. it's been difficult to think of anything else. i think i'm a sky watcher. i have narrowly missed several accidents as a result of a particularly brilliant constellation or a hyper-kinetic lightning storm. i just downloaded "looking forward" by csn&y, courtesy of napster. such a beautiful tune, i remember the sense of awe i felt last saturday hearing these living legends harmonize on a level that reaches heavenly. could they be the gods of harmony? it doesn't seem so unlikely, and what a nice thing to be god over...... i once said a prayer to the gods of harmony. i pray to gods that i name appropriately to suit the occasion. i've never been able to swallow most of what established religions dish out. it seems to me that there is too much hypocrisy in established religion. sort of a john prine approach to religion for me. "i wanna live like a free rolling soul on a highway of our love." --looking forward, csn&y 2.29.2000 i read sarah's journal and log quite frequently these days. i guess i relate to her being a single woman in my mid-20s. it's funny how i used to concentrate my energy on having someone to love. saturday i went to the csn&y concert at the target center and when they sang "and if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with" i realized for the first time that i really haven't loved anyone for quite awhile now. sure, there are people i love, but i guess what i'm saying is i haven't been in love for a terribly long time....perhaps 3 years, at least. it seems that the older i grow, the less i give to the chance of it all. my wants are better developed and if things don't fit that frame i just don't think about it. at this point i may need to loosen my dreams a bit to allow someone to fit in there, because i know i don't want to be alone. so, where are the rosy-cheeked granola boys who like to camp, hike and hope to live in the mountains of colorado one day with a big garden and a bunch of pets? i guess the back-to-basics lifestyle has lost its appeal to a majority of americans. where are the edward abbey fans out there? another thing, are there men out there that are attracted to my type? if there are, e-mail me so i know you're not a dying breed! in college, which was less than 2 years ago, i had little problem hooking up with attractive guys. now, in corporate america, i find little out there for me. i usually dress the part for work, but i have long, straight brown hair and i don't wear make-up. au natural all the way. i've considered cutting my hair, but a few of my guy friends are consistently against it, so i figure it may be a bad idea, plus i like it this way and it's easy to pull back in a pony-tail. what more can you ask for? my problem is i know a whole bunch of great guys and they're all my best friends or big brothers......it's the syndrome. of course at this point, they are, in fact, my friends. the wonderful thing about it: i've learned to appreciate my time alone and i can do without a special someone for now. i figure the timing is perfect. typically i get into serious things in the fall, then in the spring that whole restless thing begins and i feel trapped. so, i suppose the rough road of winter alone is nearly over, and eventually my eyes will turn to the glory of warmer months and open roads...freedom, baby! who knows? maybe this will be my summer of love and i will find that special someone? whether i do or not, i will have a great time camping, catching some festivals, and soaking the sun....can't wait to pull out those sundresses and halter tops! now, if i could just get rid of this job! 2.27.2000 yesterday morning after my cartoons went off, i searched through my video tapes for the nick-at-nite marathon of the wonder years i had taped a couple of years ago. i think everyone has a show like this one. one that strikes so close to home and makes so much sense. the wonder years is that show for me. i can rarely watch an episode without tears of joy or remorse. growing up in a backwards southern indiana community has its advantages. values are instilled by parents who have worked hard to provide for their children. like kevin arnold, my father and mother had old school values....values not far from those that their parents had had before them. the lack of industry and the small influx of people in our county didn't allow for the evolution of ideas and lifestyles. i will never be unhappy to have grown up where i did, but there are certain disadvantages. i have seen my parent's work very hard to give me all the perks that the other kids had, and some that only a few were awarded. in return, i was the model student...active in clubs and community programs. they couldn't have been prouder. don't get me wrong, i was also taught to work for what i got, but they only made them more proud. my parents are good people. when i went away to college i entered a world with options i had never had before. for the first time in my life i was able to choose the person i wanted to become. my choices are far from the norm in our hometown. i have become one of the misunderstood types that might travel through by accident. although i know my parents still love me, i can see the bewilderment in their eyes at times. as a child seeking approval, your parents are your world. they are the guage that tells you what is right and what is wrong and you cling to their opinions as law. but the world doesn't stand still and things are not the same all over. the turbulent sixties are not an exclusive decade. each generation of young adults fumbles its way into its own identity. we all reach a point in life when we start seeking approval within ourselves.....and for me it has been hard. watching karen move off to college and pursue her own happiness while opposing her father's wishes hits so close to home. she's stronger than i've been up to this point. i'm a twenty-something now with dreams that might not be rational. yet, there's something that feels so right about them. of course, my folks don't sense the urgency i feel and they opt for the sensible solution to all problems. i feel chained and bound. there's a side of me that wants to say to hell with it all and go my own way. then there's the side that still needs their support and approval. i know one day we'll eventually meet half-way. 2.24.2000 now playing: the dead, nassau coliseum, 4/17/84, set II i don't know if the fog cleared once today. it isn't bad, just unusual for me. i have never experienced this kind of fog. there have been nights while driving home that i had to practically stop to gain a grasp of where the road was heading. there is something very mysterious and eerie about all of the fog. however, i don't have any elaboration to that comment to make it more interesting. 2.22.2000 another gorgeous day in minnesota! i spent the afternoon with kyra walking through town and around the block and we met a few of our neighbors. leave it to warm weather to pull people out of their homes. kyra was given the liberty to stop at every tree along our walk as i listened to the birds sing their praises of the warm weather. it's amazing how quickly the weather has taken a turn towards spring. we're even expecting thunderstorms this week. of course, that does mean a lot of water, but i am looking forward to seeing my yard for the first time! today was a wonderful day for mail. i received a copy of my last bob dylan show and a gorgeous hemp necklace as repayment for my trades. the sense of community through the dead has been over-flowing. i did a few b&p offers for some gentlemen through the newsgroup i read and all sent me tapes as a token of their appreciation. my collection is growing faster than i can keep up and i have approximately 30 tapes that i have not even listened to yet. there just isn't enough time in the day. tomorrow i will actually trek my way to the city. hopefully, i will find some type of renewed interest in my occupation. i'm not holding my breath. 2.20.2000 now playing: mix tape, courtesy of jeff who has impeccable taste in music and isn't a bad singer himself. "you got to pick up every stitch, you got to pick up every stitch, you got to pick up every stitch, two rabbits runnin' in the ditch, beatniks out to make it rich, oh no, must be the season of the witch." from season of the witch, donovan today was absolutely beautiful. the sun was shining and the sky was clear. i continue to be amazed by the beautiful weekends in minnesota. it seemed that in indiana the weekends were grey and overcast, while the weekdays were filled with sunshine. minnesota is completely the opposite. i'm thrilled, because when i do start going in to the office everyday i will definitely be looking forward to the weekends (not that i don't already). hopefully summers are the same. speaking of warmer weather, i can't wait for spring. jeff and i took kyra to rice lake yesterday and hiked along a cross-country ski trail. the snow is very deceiving right now. we just got approximately 3-4 inches last week on top of what we already had lying around. depending on where you're standing the depth varies. before the last snowfall there was a considerable warm period that began to melt the snow causing it to pack down, especially where it had been trampled. these areas are pretty stable, but if you step into an area that hasn't been distubed for awhile you can end up sinking in up to your knees. i was drug through a few of these places at the lake by the dog. luckily i'm not easily annoyed. my yard is the same way. it's hilarious to watch kyra sink through. every step is a struggle when you have snow up to your belly. poor dog, but she loves it and is equpipped for the cold, being a husky and all. well, i guess i got off-topic....speaking of warmer weather, i have started some seeds indoors for my herb garden. i'm hoping to get a jump on the growing season. it will really be interesting to see how they turn out, since my previous endeavors all flopped. i have a basement now, so i may invest in a grow lamp. that big basement downstairs has to have some purpose other than a place to hide the litter box. i'll keep you posted. obligatory personal salutation: hi, john! i miss you! come visit! 2.18.2000 now playing: bob dylan's greatest hits, volume III "the cold-blooded moon. the captain waits above the celebration sending his thoughts to a beloved maid whose ebony face is beyond communication. the captain is down but still believing that his love will be repaid." "gentlemen, he said, i don't need your organization, i've shined your shoes, i've moved your mountains and marked your cards but eden is burning, either brace yourself for elimination or else your hearts must have the courage for the changing of the guards." from changing of the guards, dylan i kind of like including lyrics here, so maybe we'll see more of that in the future. just to avoid any confusion, the above lyrics are from the same song, but are not chronological. i just liked them the best whether it be for style, words, or delivery. again i'm not feeling the most creative, so i'm filling this spot again with some past rubbish. enjoy. i grant you the humility in all that i speak my thinking has unclouded to reveal the original dream it was not so long ago... when i plunged past the daring and into the safe (though security, too, has it dangerous space) the fears that i had were justly acquired regrets heaped upon greatly like fuel to the fire until my passions blazing were extinguished with tears and i bitterly resigned myself to solitude. 2.17.2000 now playing: the bootleg series, disk 1 - bob dylan leave it to bob to bring a sense of enlightenment. "'oh what are those hills yonder, my love, they look as white as snow?' 'those are the hills of heaven, my love, you and i will never know.' 'what are those hills yonder my love, they look as dark as night?' 'those are the hills of hell-fire, my love, where you and i will unite.'" from house carpenter, dylan wow, i just finished searching and found nothing i really care to print, but for the sake of filling the spot i'll include this silly little piece. i've been a little inept today and do not feel i have anything inspiring to write. hope this piece will keep you readers confused... don't ask for an explanation, please. i don't think there is one: beginning in innocence as the night forsakes us all the melody erupts from deep within the magical box, turned out by tiny gears, brought on by the opening a tiny ballerina in pink tutu begins her dance... and i remember the simplicity of yesteryears the eve of maturity, so naive, little girl, simplicity prevailed in all rationale and the ballerina repeats her dance maintaining her posture lady that she was and now i curse the life i led since i find myself unwillingly cast back in, fated to sorrow dreading tomorrow and as i drive home from work a good day at last i practice a prayer to my newly-named god of harmony- requesting forgiveness for my crassness pursuing the strength to become the ying to my re-discovered yang - to teach by example the kindness and love simplicity has not left me it has grown new borders on wider pastures pastures that hold more light and yield more harvest chiming on she spins surrounded by satin... as the ballerina takes her pirouet she gracefully follows through with her head 2.16.2000 i'm sure it's no secret that i'm a fan of jambands. it's been a couple of years now since i started hanging out with my friends at music festivals and sitting in on drum circles and jam sessions (sitting means sitting, not playing, but i have goofed a bit). long, drawn-out instrumentals that begin fluid, then separate off into different tangents like they're passing through a colander, only to meet again on the other side. there's a sense of anticipation that serves as the drive..not knowing when it will all come full circle, but expecting it....feeling it. this type of music does it for me. i love to dance and being able to close my eyes and feel the next beat is a huge rush. but really the sub-culture that surrounds the whole scene is probably what intrigues me the most. i'm currently reading another roadside attraction by tom robbins. last night before bed i was reading the part when marx marvelous is discussing how while at the institute he was assigned to a group to find out what was causing the decline in religion and the detriment of society. he hung out with the flower children of the 60s, went to music fests, smoked grass, and participated in their sub-culture to gain some insight. the conclusion he came to (strictly my analysis, of course) was that the problem wasn't with man, but with religion. he found a high level of spirituality in the community, but no religion that aided it's evolution. although my explanation is likely vague i certainly sensed a relation to the sub-culture of jambands like the dead and phish (for the record, i'm not really a phish fan). how do i relate the sense of community i get from my friends and the festivals we've attended to my parents? the fact is, i can't. outsiders look at the dirty t-shirts, the sundresses, ratty hair and automatically think loser. oh really? i don't perceive it that way, because i get something out of it. there is a religion at work. i attended the leftover salmon show on new year's eve in denver. skye, carrie, and i drove out from indiana and we knew no one else there. by the end of the night we had a people calling our names from all over the fillmore. i was crowned with a 2000 wreath by a smilie girl coming in from the outside, a guy dancing behind me asked for a hug at midnight and we embraced like old friends. after the show, matt, who drove out from virginia, discussed the merits of the show with us. common consensus: we all had a great time. this instance has replayed itself over and over on several other occasions. camping under the stars in a field of strangers ain't so bad, and you rarely have to worry about having some strange dude try to grind up against you. most people are content to smile and dogs are always welcome. the sundresses we wear may look like rags to others, but they're homemade and often recycled from old threads. who needs a tommy hilfiger tag (i can't even pronounce it)? people everywhere trading their wares. many times there's a story involved, and that in itself is priceless. there's always someone cooking, and people don't get turned away. we have all gathered together to experience a sense of community and we're having a good time...opening ourselves up to each other, sharing, giving, taking, appreciating.....strangers stopping strangers, just to shake their hand..... i guess i just don't understand why so many consider this community in such a negative way. maybe, we don't care about that $100 bottle of perfume or the tag on the back of our pants or the shiny car.... we're too busy enjoying the sunshine on our backs, a good game of hacky sack, a grilled cheese off a propane grill, a conversation with a new friend. it isn't important what's happening on wall street, because tomorrow will come and memories and love will never fade. we will survive. 2.15.2000 i'm feeling a bit repulsed with my last feeble attempts on this website. it was just too cute and i really began to question my mental state in creating such a sick spectacle. i decided to adopt the less is more principle, and instead of wasting so much time working on the format i plan to add more content. lately i've been bursting at the seams, so to speak. i'm sick of working, and to be quite honest i haven't really been doing much. it's more principle than anything else. i just never thought i'd be a part of corporate america, and here i am. i keep telling myself it's a temporary thing, but the longer i sit idle i worry that i'm digging a deeper hole that's going to be much harder to climb out of in the end. not to mention i really don't know how i feel about getting older and returning to grad school....for that matter, would they even let me in? i'm going on a year with the company i work for and i had to sign a contract guaranteeing my employment through Dec. 31st, 2000 before i move.			words i like..... copasetic hokey