i'd like to know about you.

 The 2nd Valentine's Day Story

Last week, we professed Valentine's Day to be a sham. Of course, as all pompous asses do, I enjoy buying into shams. For example, I believe my expensive J.Crew clothes are better than cheaper clothes. While I believe this is true, others see it as a sham. If J.Crew is a sham, baby, I love shams. But I digress. Back to Valentine's Day. This year I decided to celebrate the event by writing down all my feelings for my Valentine and writing them on her card (the card that took 30 minutes to pick out), placing six red roses on her bed while she was out at class, and finishing the eveing with dinner and a movie. We saw the ultimate date movie of 1996 and 1997, the feel-good flick of the year, the one, the only Jerry Maguire. I got a crazy craving for buttered popcorn and all of the oily, buttery goodness. Now, we're all allowed crazy cravings now and then, but buttery goodness is the kind of craving you can't resist. Loading my pockets with napkins, I enjoyed my buttery goodness and got no oil on my khakis. Half-way through the $47 bag of popcorn, I remembered what made buttery goodness on popcorn so good--pure fat and lard and fillers and meat by-products. I put the bag on the floor and forgot about it. Again I miss the true point of my story...butter, holding hands, and kissing do not mix. Today's man must learn to ignore the cravings of buttery goodness because many girls will not want to hold out buttery hands and kiss our salty lips...words to live by.

The J. Crew Warehouse Sale Story

This week, the J.Crew Warehouse Sale came to the Binghamton area. J.Crew fills an empty warehouse with boxes of its overstocks at ridiculously reduced prices. This sale is little more than an urget plea by Mr. J. Crew himself to increase his fan base. By offering the same quality clothes that I order from the catalog at up to 70% off, the common man is able to wear the same fashions as me at 30% of the true cost. Neil, a person I go to college with, purchased the same shirt I was wearing today for $9. I paid $43. Other shirts that I already owned were $11--I payed an average of $35 for these shirts. By allowing these plebians to wear my J.Crew fashions, the money I spent and style I cultivated are tarnished. Curse you J. Crew. This week we curse you.