Welcome to the MUFC jokes page!
A trial was being held to determine who would get custody of a young boy following the divorce of his parents. The judge asked the boy if he wanted to live with his mom. The reply: "No...she beats me." "How about your father?" spoke the judge. Again: "No...he beats me too." So what was the judge's verdict??? He sent him to Blackburn Rovers because they don't beat anyone!!contributed by Turab
A man and his wife find a magic lamp from which a genie pops out and agrees to grant them one wish. The wife had been involved in accident a few years back and was badly disfigured (scars, missing limbs etc...) so
the guys asked for his wife to be put back to the way she was. Looking at the wife, the genie says: "Hmmm, that'll be near impossible, have you another wish?" The man replies, "well could you let Manchester City win a trophy this season???" And the genie replied, "Lets have anoher look at your wife!"contributed by Turab
Q:Whats the difference between a tea-bag and Manchester City?A: A tea bag stays in the cup longer.
contributed by Turab
This Man U fan dies and goes to heaven. There he meets Matt Busby. He's talking to Matt, about how well MU have done, doing the double again and so on, when he sees this guy wearing the number 7 Man Utd jersey, he looks closer and recognizes him, it's Eric Cantona. Gob-smacked he turns and asks Matt 'Is that Eric Cantona ?'. 'No' replies Matt, 'that's God, he thinks he's Eric Cantona'.contributed by Paul
Liverpool were on the verge of signing a record breaking sponsorship deal with Spillers worth over 10 million pounds per year..But the stumbling block was that they had to have: "WIN A LOT" on the front of their shirts contributed by Ian
How do you circumsize a Liverpool supporter? Hit his sister on the chin.
My contribution
A destitute Leeds Utd fan finally managed to scrape enough pennies together and took a holiday. While hiking in the mountains, he came upon a shepherd tending a flock of sheep. Taking a fancy to the sheep, he asked the shepherd, "If I can guess exactly how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The shepherd thought this request odd, but knowing there was little chance of guessing correctly, agreed."You've got 287 sheep", the Leeds fan said to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was the exact number the shepherd told the guy he'd guessed correctly and to go ahead and pick the sheep to take home. But as soon as the Leeds fan picked up one of the smaller animals and started to carry it away, the shepherd said, "Wait a minute. You have to give me a chance, too. If I can guess what team you support, can I have that animal back?' Figuring there was little chance the shepherd would guess correctly, the Leeds fan went along, only to be shocked when the shepherd said, "You support Leeds, right?" "How did you know?" he ask, amazed. The shepherd said, "put down the dog and we'll talk about it. contributed by David
Alex Ferguson and Steve Coppell were appearing together on local radio. The
guy first asked Steve Coppell what his targets were for Man City for the season. He said, "Well, I just want to consolidate, get the team playing good solid football and to avoid relegation to the 2nd division". He then asked Alex the same question. "We want to win the League, the European Cup, the FA and Coca Cola cups and go through the rest of the season unbeaten". "Thats a bit unrealistic isn't it Alex ?" asked the interviewer. "I know". said Alex "but Stevie started it". contributed by John
Eric,Pele and Alan Shearer were taking a walk along the side of the Thames after attending a Football awards dinner...When Pele suddenly ran down to the bank of the river and actually sprinted accross the water to the other side of the river..Eric followed and joined Pele on the other side..then they called Alan to try it...Alan got about two yards before falling neck deep into the dirty water...Pele seeing this nudged Eric and said "D'ya think we should of told him about the rocks just underneath the surface?"..To which Eric replied "What Rocks?" contributed by Ian
A little boy from Manchester had gone to Rome on holiday with his family hoping to see the Pope. Anyway, a couple of days after they'd arrived, the Pope was doing a tour of the city in his Popemobile. The little lad was a bit worried that the Pope wouldn't be able to pick him out in the crowd, so his Mum said "don't worry, the Pope is a footy fan, so wear your new red United shirt and he's bound to pick you out and talk to you". So, they're in the crowd, but the Popemobile drives past them and stops a bit further down the street where John Paul gets out and speaks to a little boy in a Leeds shirt. The United lad is distraught and starts crying. His well meaning Mum says "don't worry, the Pope's driving around tomorrow as well, so we'll try get you a SCUM shirt and then he's bound to stop to see you". Well the boy thinks, if that is what it's going to take I guess there's no other option, It'll be the one and only time. The next day arrives, and the boy's reluctantly got his new Leeds shirt on. The Popemobile stops right by him, John Paul gets out, bends down and says to the lad "I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday?"...contributed by Thomas
Do you know the quickest way out of the Wembley stadium? -The South gatecontributed by Thomas
Heard about Man City's new Chinese players? -We Wun Wunce, How Long Since, and Win One Soon.contributed by Thomas
Do you know the difference between Kevin Keegan and an alcoholic? -An alcoholic would never give away 12 p(o)ints. contributed by Thomas
Do you know who's the worlds most stupid football fan? -A glory seeker supporting Man City contributed by Thomas
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. At the end of a very painfully long day, he again drives slowly home.Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God Dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life! She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning".contributed by Reshad
The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly." The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory he found a note from the Monsignor:Dear Father,1.Next time sip rather than gulp.2.There are 10 commandments, not 12..3.There are 12 disciples, not 10...4.We do not refer to the Cross as the ``Big T''.5.The recommended grace before meals is not `Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!''6.We do not refer our Savior, Jesus Christ and his Apostles as ``J.C. and the Boys''.7.David slew Goliath, he did not ``Kick the shit out of him''.8.Moses parted the water at the Red Sea, he didn't pass water.9.We don't refer to Judas as ``El Finko''.10.The Pope is consecrated not castrated, and we don't refer to him as ``The Godfather''.11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, ``Take this and eat it, for it is my body,'' he did not say, ``Eat me.''12.David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he wasn't ``stoned off his ass''.13.The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as ``Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.'' 14.It is always the Virgin Mary, never ``Mary with the Cherry''. 15.Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a Taffy-Pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling contest at St. Taffy's.contributed by Chris
Two boys were playing football in the park when suddenly one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter (From the Scum?]) who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes "Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious animal" The boy interupts "But I'm not a city fan" The reporter starts again "Manchester Utd fan rescues friend from horrific attack" Again the boy interupts "But I'm not a Utd fan either" "Who do you support then" inquires the reporter. "Liverpool" comes the reply. So the reporter starts again "Scouse bastard murders family pet.contributed by the Wankers from the Liverpool list
This guy is at Old Trafford and he has the worse
seat in the house. He can't see a thing. Luckily he had brought his binoculars with him which helped a little.
During the first half he spotted a man on the opposite side of the ground sitting in the best seat in the house
with an empty seat next to him. All the first half he keeps his eye on him and still nobody takes the empty
seat. So during the interval he makes his way through all the crowds and finally gets to the man with the
spare seat. Nervously he approached the man and asked "excuse me sir, I couldn't help but notice that this
great seat is free. I am sat in the worst seat in the house and I was wondering if you would mind if I sat
there"? The man replied "Well actually I do mind. I am sorry but my wife and I have been season ticket
holders here for 40 years and she recently passed away and I am afraid this is her seat". Understanding the
man apologised and regrettably made his way back to his old seat. He then turned to the man with the seats
and asked "I hope you don't mind me asking but why didn't you invite a friend or other family member to
come with you instead of your late wife"? "I would normally" he replied "but they are all at the funeral".contributed by Tony Allen
Utd draw City in the FAcup third round,Roy Keane says to the players don't worry lads you go to the races I'll play these on my own.Saturday comes and the Utd players check the half time scores City 0 Utd 1.The lads decide to stay for the last race. When the lads returned to Mancheser they hear the game finished 1-1 so they approached Keano to find out what happened, Keano replied I'm sorry lads it was the refs fault I was hammering them until the ref sent me off.contributed by David Silcockco RED ISSUE UTD FANZINE
ALSO VISIT THIS EXTREMELY FUNNY QUOTE PAGE!!! QUALITY!!
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