Danny Kelly: And this will be Gordon ringing up about his anorak will it?
Danny Baker: Gordon, ah Gordon, how are ya?
Gordon: Hiya Danny.
DB: Who is this?
G: I've got football memorabilia and I've got a footballer in a supermarket.
DB: OK, go on.
G: The football memorabilia was when I was about nine and I'm now about 50-odd, so it's going back a bit.
DB: Yeah.
G: I asked my dad if he'd make me a bow-tie,
DK: Hang on,
DB: Hang on now, hang on,
G: What?
DB: Just say that again.
G: I asked my dad if he'd make me a bow-tie.
DK: First time ever on Radio 5 Live, the sentence: 'I asked my father if he'd make me a bow-tie!'
DB: This is already my favourite call ever. You ask your dad to make you a train, yeah.
DK: A boat.
DB: Some kind of railway station. You asked your father...
G: Well, it made a difference from a scarf. I wanted something...
DB: A bow-tie!
G: ...with my team's name on it.
(DB & DK laughter)
DK: Which team is that, sir?
DB: I'd love a bow-tie with my team's name on it.
DK: What team is that?
G: Dundee United...
DB: That's cool, that's great, go on.
G: ...but they're just called United. So he made it, and it was just wee black triangles, you know, the pointy bits, and it was white across the middle, and it had 'United' written right across the middle.
(DB laughs loudly, DK joins in)
DB: (still laughing) A bow-tie?!?
G: And it was made out of plywood...
(Hysterics in the studio)
DB: No, this is too good. We'll have to play an advert, We're gonna have to play an advert.
DK: We're going commercial, it will be an advert for the next 20 minutes.
DB: I'm sorry Gordon, I'm sor... We're not, we, as you know we usually plough on, as we are here, but, you're wearing a plywood bow-tie with...
DK: ...with just 'United' written across it.
G: And it was two feet wide by...
(manic laughter in studio)
G: ...and it was tied around my neck with a big leather strap. (uncontrollable laughter in studio, DB struggling to get breath)
G: I charged away to the game absolutely delighted, delirious. But by half-time I was, you know, Quasimodo.
DB: (struggling to speak through laughter) What did he say when he handed you this thing? 'Here son' (more laughter) with the leather strap...
DK: 'Here you go son, here's your bow tie' ... clank-clank-clank ... 'and here's the big leather strap to tie it to your neck'.
DB: Aw, my Gawd.
G: And it weighed about a stone and a half.
DK: I bet.
(DB now sounds like one of those novelty laughter boxes you can get...)
DK: So you must have ended up with curvature of the spine, didn't ya?
G: But he saw the error of his ways...
DB: Oh, man.
G: ...so, next week, he pro...
DK: There's more!
G: ... he produced a big pole and...
(break for laughter)
G: ... and I went to the match like a Roman centurion
DK: What was the pole for, sorry?
G: The bow-tie was strapped to the pole...
(uncontrollable laughter)
G: ... like a Roman standard.
(DB now slapping the desk he is laughing so much)
DK: Like a Roman standard! You're making this worse, don't keep doing this.
DB: Oh Gordon, this is my favourite ever and I've been doing this a while. I'm sorry. I've gone.
G: And another quick thing is...
DB: No, no, hang on, give me a minute. You don't have to fill the space, sometimes it's good to have dead air. Let me get over this... (extended pause) ... Just, going back, why did you want a bow-tie?
G: Why does anyone want anything?
DB: No, No, No. Seriously.
DK: Not good enough.
DB: A rattle, yes. A banner, yes. You know, a scarf, as you say, a hat...
G: I already had a rattle...
DK: Oh! Oh! Greedy.
G: ...that was made out of cast iron as well.
DB: I just said, oh, I'm sorry Gordon you said there was one other thing...
G: Oh Aye...
DB: I'm afraid Gordon, we're gonna have to keep your number and have you tell that... I'm gonna have to call you up when I'm at parties and I can't quite remember all the details.
DK: Wherever tards and retards meet.
DB: Of course. A two foot wide, plywood bow-tie...
DK: ...held on with a big leather strap for the first week and the second week carried into the ground like a Roman centurion...
DB: And his father says 'There's one thing to do with this - stick it on a pole!'

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