[Editor's note: Due to my limited (read: nonexistent) match writing skills
and a tremendous lack of information on half of the teams involved
(including, for a few teams, no knowledge of who the team was comprised
of), I have been forced to write these somewhat terse match descriptions.
My apologies in advance, but I did the best I could with what I had.]
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THIS WEEK IN WRESTLING PRESENTS:
THE 1993 ROAD WARRIOR CUP
[Cue music: "Georgia On My Mind" by Ray Charles, as the camera pans across
a sold-out Georgia Dome.]
Chinchilla Khatru [voice-over]: From Atlanta, GA -- home of the Braves,
Falcons, Super Bowl XVIII, and CNN, but not Jerry Glanville, it's the Road
Warrior Cup!
[Cut to a separate camera. Chinchilla Khatru, Ace Diamond, and Misty
Radisson-Pruitt are standing behind the controls in the broadcast booth,
with a wonderful vantage point.]
Khatru: Hello, fans, and welcome to "Hot-lanta!" I'm Chinchilla Khatru, and
with me as always are my colleagues at TWiW, Ace Diamond and Misty
Radisson-Pruitt!
Misty: Chinchilla, this place is going to witness some incredible action
this afternoon, as we have 16 of the greatest teams in wrestling fighting
it out for bragging rights over the entire wrestling world!
Diamond: We've got the champions of every major league here. We have
legends of the ring here. And most importantly, we have two teams
representing TNT Enterprises here! I feel it -- either Wind & Wuthering or
The Firewalkers are taking the Cup!
Misty: Well, since we're talking predictions, I've got to say that my two
picks are Wild Hazard and Armageddon -- No one has been able to stop
Reverend Machiavelli's charges since they entered the UeWF, and Wild Hazard
are just too wild and unpredictable to go down quick!
Khatru: My prediction is that the current TWiW champions, The Dangerous
Emotions will take it all.
Diamond: Before we open things up, let's see the results of the wild card
bouts held earlier today!
* David & Goliath, representing the OWCH, put up a valiant effort
against Fender Marshall's Grid Iron. But, in the end, the former
ECWA tag-team champions managed to outfox the upstart rookies. Grid
Iron got the pin at 4:43 after Jack Rae nailed David with his
football helmet.
* The Master Race's attempts at illegal tags were thwarted early, as
Sylvester T. Foxx managed to smear Aryan 1 with yellow paint, and
Aryan 2 with black paint. The referee was then able to tell the two
apart. In the end, as Aryan 2 was being escorted out of the ring
after trying to interfere, both members of Animal Instinct were able
to hit Aryan 1 with shoulderblocks, which proved to be too much.
Kid Kodiak got the pin at 9:33.
Khatru: So, OWCH suffers a mighty blow early -- two of their three teams
eliminated before we went on the air.
Diamond: Hey -- Wind & Wuthering are still in the tournament, and they've
got a bout with the fifth-ranked team in the MBWF, Pain Unbound. I'd say
the OWCH still has a very good chance of pulling this off.
Khatru: Without any further ado, let's go up to Barry Michael Chiapetta in
the ring -- No...We're going to Mike McQuirk, who has some important news
regarding the opening match.
[Cut to the locker room area, where Mike is standing by. Paramedics are
attending to Hefty Smurf and Jammin' Jason -- Passive Violence.]
McQuirk: Just a minute before we went on the air, the last GCW World
Champions, Passive Violence, were victims of a horrendous attack by The
Headbangers, Mosh & Thrash. It seems that the Headbangers were upset at
not making the Cup this year, and therefore decided to challenge Jason and
Hefty for their slot...Tim Nerd is with me. Tim, what can you tell me?
Nerd: Well, Mike, what just happened here was a travesty, plain and simple.
I mean, The Headbangers took an unsigned match and turned it into an
exercise in brutality, injuring both members of Passive Violence in the
process, forcing them out of the tournament. Now, since the Headbangers
were responsible for this, I feel that they should come up with
replacements for Passive Violence...
[At this, cut to the OTHER locker room where Derek Brushoff has caught up
with The Headbangers and Fender Marshall.]
Brushoff: OK. I've caught up with the Noize Boize! Mosh and Thrash,
you've just injured Passive Violence and probably put them out of the
tournament!
Mosh : They got what they deserved! They were nothin' and we called their
bluff! They got in the ring with the big boys and they found out what
it was like to get "Caught In a Mosh"!
Thrash : This is just bad news for whatever team gets us next in the
tournament! Because that was one team we put out and we're not gonna
stop until we've got the Cup!
Brushoff: Wait a minute, you're not in the tournament, you just jumped
those guys!
Fender : Correction! We're in the tournament! We challenged them for
their slot. They came down and got beat! A referee was there. As far
as I'm concerned, they made a verbal contract the minute they stepped
into the ring with us. We beat them, as far I'm concerned, we beat
them in the first round of the Road Warrior Cup!
[Cut back to the booth.]
Khatru: Well, this certainly is a turn of events!
Diamond: Absolutely -- the UeWF Championship Committee obviously didn't
feel that the Headbangers deserved to wrestle here tonight, but they took
matters into their own hands. Now, the officials here want the Headbangers
to put their money where their mouths are. I personally think one of the
wild-card teams that was eliminated earlier should be in there, and not
Slosh and Trash.
Misty: With that, NOW we go to Barry.
[Cut to the ring. The ref rings the bell twice as Barry speaks.]
Barry: Ladies and gentlemen, this contest is the opening match of the 1993
Road Warrior Cup! All matches in this round are one fall, with a
fifteen-minute time limit. Introducing first...
[At this point, various members of the "Atlanta Society For Barring The
Stars And Bars From Pro Wrestling" rush the ring. However, it's only two
people, both of whom are very uncoordinated. They trip over the ring
ropes, and are quickly caught by security.]
Diamond: I guess that even the Summit Of E-Wrestling isn't safe from
controversy.
Khatru: Apparently, they forgot that the Super Bowl was a few days ago.
Misty: They must have a field-day when the Fabulous Freebirds wrestle!
[Back to the ring...]
Barry: Introducing first, for real this time...
["F**king Hostile" by Pantera blasts over the PA as The Headbangers come to
the ring, with Fender Marshall and a few choice "'Banger Bimbos" in tow.
The vast majority of the 65,000+ on hand are booing these heavy metal
pretty boys, but the Fender Marshall Fan Club, Atlanta Chapter, express
their approval with a sign that says "Fender Marshall Rocks Atlanta!"]
Barry: ...at a total combined weight on 455 pounds, managed by TWiW's
Manager Of The Year, Fender Marshall, here are Mosh and Thrash, THE
HEADBANGERS!
Khatru: I wonder why Fender isn't introducing the Headbangers...
Misty: He's too busy gloating to Ace about that manager of the year award.
Diamond [to Marshall]: Oh yeah? Who's the ECWA World Champs? Who manages
the UeWF World Champ now, Fender! Take that!
Khatru: Ace, calm down!
Diamond: Sorry, but around guys like him, Bwana, and Walter Raleigh, I get
steamed.
Barry: Their opponents already in the ring, managed by Mac "Attack"
Andrews...
[Fender Marshall didn't wait for the bell. He rushed into the ring after
Andrews with a chair and smashed him. As the Lionhearts attempted to
extract some revenge on Marshall, Mosh and Thrash gave them forearm
smashes. As the bell rang, both Headbangers had both Lionhearts in inside
cradles, getting the pin.]
Barry: The winner of the match, in a Road Warrior Cup record time of 2
seconds, THE HEADBANGERS!
[The crowd boos loudly as the Headbangers quickly rush back to the locker
room.]
Misty: Well, that certainly was interesting -- blink and you miss it!
Diamond: Well, in a normal Headbangers match, if you blink you miss the
only actual wrestling. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to prepare the
Firewalkers for their destiny!
Khatru: While Ace sets up for that match, we have a bit of bad news to
report regarding both the Summit and E-Wrestling in general. The MBWF has
apparently shut down during the hiatus, and as a result, there will be no
Fabulous Moolah Tourney this year. So it looks like a lot of teams in this
year's Road Warrior Cup are now finding themselves unemployed.
Misty: Not even pro wrestling is recession-proof, Chinchilla. Right now,
though, we have the introductions for the next bout!
[Cut to the ring. As the bell rings, the arena darkens, and a voice is
heard.]
Voice: Congregation, please be seated, and open your prayer guides to the
Book of Revelations, Psalm 69...
[Two flashpots go off near the entrance to the arena as the lights come up,
and The Mystics and The Magician walk to the ring. The crowd is cheering
quite loudly, almost loud enough to drown out Ministry's "Psalm 69".]
Barry [straining to be heard]: This bout is the second match of the Road
Warrior Cup. Introducing members of the Mage's Gallery! First, the
manager, The Magician! He represents the former UFWS World Tag Team
Champions -- at a total combined weight of 470 pounds, Wizard! Hunter!
THE MYSTICS!
[The crowd pops like mad, and The Magician waves to the crowd.]
Khatru: I think that rates as the most impressive entrance in wrestling
history!
Misty: While the clean-up crews take care of that one, I'd like to
introduce our guest alternate commentator, Rash Limbo! Rash, it's good to
see you!
Limbo: It's good to be seen. I've been so busy promoting my new book,
_See, I Was Right! Nyah Nyah!_ that I haven't been able to work with TWiW.
But now I'm back!
Khatru: Well, a lot of people won't be too happy about that, but there are
a lot who'll welcome your different views on the sport!
Limbo: That's exactly why I'm here -- to spread my Talent On Loan From God!
[Cut back to the ring as "Psalm 69" fades out.]
Barry: And their opponents are the last ECWA World Tag-Team Champions!
[The opening chords of "America" by The Nice blast over the PA. As the
crowd cheers, Ace Diamond and The Firewalkers come to the ring. Ace takes
the mike from Barry after shaking hands with The Magician and exchanging a
few pleasantries.]
Diamond: Wrestling fans, please welcome a team that, despite Johnny Gere's
smear campaign, has always exemplified fair play and good, honest
wrestling. At a total combined weight of 477 lbs., from Miami, FL,
Fireball Forrester! From Phoenix, AZ, Brimstone Baxter! Ladies and
gentlemen, THE FIREWALKERS!
[The Firewalkers jump to the second turnbuckle of adjacent corners with
their ECWA World titles, acknowledging the cheers of the crowd.]
* True to form, this match was a "textbook example of how tag-team
wrestling should be!" (as Rash Limbo said afterwards) Both teams
spent the first few minutes trying to feel each other out, while
relying on somewhat conservative moves. The first flashy move came
when Fireball Forrester attempted a handspring elbow against Hunter.
However, Hunter moved out of the way and Forrester landed hard.
When he made the tag to Wizard, Wizard went for a flying drop kick,
which also did not connect. The match alternated between flashy and
technical, with a spectacular ending display of team skill. Despite
all this, the bout ended in a time limit draw. Time: Obviously,
10:00.
Limbo: WOW! This bout was a textbook example of how tag-team wrestling
should be!
Khatru [aside]: Misty, ever get a sense of deja vu?
Misty: Well, despite that fantastic bout, the outcome insures that The
Headbangers will receive a free pass into the round of four, having only
wrestled for two seconds.
Limbo: As outrageous as that may seem, there's something even more
outrageous coming up -- this interview we received from the most popular
team of the year, Wild Hazard!
(Fade in on the unmistakable chainsaw intro to "Iron Man". Beast, Brute,
and the Amazing Mr. Jones are standing in front of a bluescreen of the
amazingly expensive TWiW logo. Beast and Brute are wearing large,
spike-laden shoulderpads and green face paint. The Amazing Mr. Jones is
holding a rolled-up newspaper.)
Beast (in his best "gargles with broken glass" voice): Weeeeeeeelllllll, it
looks like we got ourselves invited to the Summit, to the one and only Road
Warrior Cup Tag Team Tournament.
Brute: And we get to wrestle guys we haven't ever SEEN before, toss them
around a bit, and win a trophy.
Jones: I have to tell you, ladies and gentlemen -
Brute: - and wrestling fans around the world -
Jones: That it's an honor and a privilege to do so. We're so thrilled
about it that we went out and got ourselves the Jack Victory Instant Gimmick
Kit, and dudes ourselves up like the team who defined the word "rampage" in
the 80's, the guys who made this sport what it is,
Beast: - a desolate wasteland, covered with ice -
Jones: - The Road Warriors, Manny, Moe, and Jack.
(pause)
Brute: (sotto voice) Those are the Pep Boys, Jonesy...
Jones: (startled) Sorry, Hawk and Animal. (squints at camera) Who the hell
wrote these cue cards, anyway?
Beast: However, just because we may LOOK large, crazy, and imposing,
doesn't mean that we're going to be any different than the three fun-loving
if overmuscled lads from America's Heartland that the ESW fans have come to
know and be confused by... (in a "gargles-with-broken-glass" voice again)
Heaven Forfend!
Brute: We get to wrestle the Dangerous Emotions first, Sloth and Ennui -
Jones: I think that's Rage and Hate -
Beast: Well, Sloth and Ennui is how WE feel about them, anyway -
Brute: And slowly make our way back to the goofballs who cost us our
titles, and put Jones here on a one-way trip around the world, Black Magic.
Jones: Do you have any idea how much postage gets expended in trying to
mail someone around the world, Valentine? I think that mask is starting to
affect your frontal lobes...
Beast: ANYway, Ignorance and Bliss:
Brute: (sotto voice) That's Rage and Fear...
Jones: (sotto voice) I thought you said Rage and Hate
Brute: (sotto voice) I did, but the author forgot. I hate it when he
doesn't edit...
Beast: YOU get to go on the thrill ride of your lives, while we have fun...
Beast, Brute, Jones: AT *YOUR* EXPENSE.
Jones: See you at the summit, campers....
(fade out to "Iron Man", now obviously being played on a bad turntable as
the speed keeps changing)
Brute: Let's get out of these things. I had no idea they were so freaking
heavy...
(and we really do fade out, or cut to the booth)
Misty: Well, they may not be sane, but they certainly have to be considered
a favorite here today.
[Ace Diamond returns.]
Limbo: Glad to see you again, Ace!
Diamond: Glad to be seen, Rash. I think the Firewalkers proved tonight
that even after a year off as a tag-team, they can still take it to the big
boys. Imagine if they hadn't separated! All I have to say is watch out,
Tropical Storm -- The Firewalkers are on the rampage in the ESW!
Khatru: Let's go now to the ring!
[Ding, ding! Mariah Carey's "Emotions" plays over the PA as Rage, Fear,
and The Masked One walk out to ringside. The fans boo like mad.]
Barry: This bout is scheduled for one fall...About to enter the ring are
the TWiW TV Tag-Team Champions. Managed by The Masked One, here are Rage
and Hate, THE DANGEROUS EMOTIONS!
[The Emotions enter the ring, holding their title straps up high.]
Barry: And their opponents...
["Emotions" fades out, and Wild Hazard enter the ring. The Amazing Mr.
Jones comes in on a La-Z-Boy recliner with a TV monitor attached. There
is a penguin on the monitor.]
Diamond: That Jones knows how to live it up!
[Back to the ring.]
Barry: ...the former ESW World Tag Team champions, and TWiW's Most Popular
Male Tag-Team for 1993. Here are Beast and Brute, WILD HAZARD! They are
managed by The Amazing Mr. Jones!
[The lads jump into the ring. They are each wearing bright green lifting
gloves, as is Mr. Jones.]
* Referee Rollie Anderman checks Brute's glove, which was lead-filled.
When Anderman tells him to get rid of it, Wild Hazard and Mr. Jones
engage in a game of hot potato with about five of those gloves.
This angers the Dangerous Emotions, who jump Wild Hazard to get the
match underway. The TV champions dominated the first five minutes
with viciously underhanded tactics, but could not put down Wild
Hazard. WH really pulled that win out of their collective hats, so
to speak. The penguin on Jonesy's monitor exploded, distracting
Rage long enough for Brute to get him into a tilt-a-whirl
piledriver, which Beast gladly spiked. Wild Hazard with the win at
7:55.
Diamond: A rather unorthodox way to get the win, but Wild Hazard knock out
the TWiW TV Champs.
Khatru: Speaking of knocked out, we received this telegram, that flights
out of London to Atlanta have been delayed. Therefore, the teams of
Tempest and Pain Unbound, who were to represent the MBWF, are not in
attendance this evening, so they've lost their matches via forfeit. So, it
appears that Fender Marshall is lucky twice, as Grid Iron now advances to
the round of eight, as do Wind & Wuthering.
Diamond: That's horrible, if you ask me. I mean, as much as I want Wind &
Wuthering to win this tournament, it's an unfair advantage.
Limbo: Well, that's the way it goes, Ace. Now, if George Bush had been
re-elected as President, we wouldn't have this problem!
Khatru: Well, then, we move on to our fifth match of the tournament,
pitting Team Supreme against their allies, The Fabulous Cochon Brothers.
(Mr. Touchdown and Magnus Bane are standing in the interview area, wearing
the UeWF Tag Belts. Bane has the Pacific belt slung over his shoulder.)
Mr. Touchdown: What is this garbage!? We make the most prestigous tag
team tournament of the year, and the first team we have to wrestle is the
Cochon Brothers!? This is total BULLS**T! The two best teams out there,
and one is gonna get taken down in the first round! What moron did they
have picking the draws, Steven Wallstreet!? Well, we're gonna have to make
the best of it, Magnus, and that means that we have to face off against two
of the finest wrestlers the sport has to offer, my former tag team partners
in the Big Three. This one's so close, even _I_ can't call it...Maurice
and Paul know my moves, and they've got Sir Walter Raleigh, one of the
greatest minds ever to manage, backing them up! This could go either
way...Maurice, Paul, Sir Walter, I've got a lot of respect for you. We're
gonna give you our best--which means none of the little gifts we reserve
for less worthy opponents, like the Cheerleaders' pom-poms. Whichever team
comes out on top is gonna ride roughshod over all the other jokers in this
competition, and grab the Cup, though--so we'll be at the top of our game,
and I know you will be too! You know my moves, and I know yours...this is
gonna go down to the wire. Fine. But if I ever get my hands on the weasel
who did those "random" draws, his dentist is gonna be a VERY rich man...
[...]
******* Cochon's Pattiserie **************
(Sir Walter enters carrying this week's 'Allo Police')
Walt: Bad news boys
Mad Cat: What's up mon vieux?
Walt: Our first round opponents have been announced and it's our old friend
Mr. Touchdown.
Baker: Well that is going to be tough, but we beat up our friends as well
as our enemies...
Walt: And given Mr. Touchdown's weakened condition, I believe I have a
cunning plan in mind.....
*******************************************
[Cut to the ring.]
Barry: This match is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, already in
the ring, are the current UeWF World Tag-Team Champions. First, the UeWF
Pacific Champion, Magnus Bane! His partner, former UFWS World Champion,
Mr. Touchdown! Collectively, they are known as TEAM SUPREME!
[Crowd boos loudly.]
Barry: Their opponents are the TWiW Tag-Team Of The Year for 1993! Led to
the ring by their manager, Sir Walter Raleigh, here are Paul and Maurice,
THE FABULOUS COCHON BROTHERS!
[Crowd boos loudly yet again. At least, the ones who haven't gotten up to
go to the bathroom.]
Misty: Am I the only one who notices that Mr. Touchdown looks higher than
a kite?
Diamond: I bet that he's coked to the gills on painkillers. As much as
he's denying it, his back is probably as strong as the supports on the
Ventura Freeway. He's been hurting ever since that ironman match against
Cannonball Calhoun at Autumn Onslaught. One more hard shot, and he's out
for good, even with those painkillers and that brace he's wearing under his
jersey.
Limbo: That remains to be seen, but these two teams are facing each other
next week in the UeWF for Team Supreme's tag titles! That's a lot of
punishment for a HEALTHY man!
Khatru: Regardless, Mr. Touchdown has had a long, successful career. And
if the rumours are true, this may very well be the last time we see him
wrestle.
* When the announcing team stopped prematurely eulogizing Mr.
Touchdown, the match got under way. Knowing their opponents as well
as they did, Team Supreme dominated early. However, it was
blatantly obvious that Magnus Bane was trying to keep Touchdown out.
Touchdown, however, looked extremely happy. Eventually, to save the
match, which the Cochons dominated, Magnus had to tag out. The
Cochons had a field day with the injured TD, hammering him with back
drops, spine busters, atomic drops, and any other high-impact move
that would damage Touchdown's back. However, he was so doped up
that he didn't feel a thing. When Maurice locked a Boston Crab on
TD, it appeared to have no effect, but Magnus Bane ran in to try and
make the save. Paul blocked Magnus, and Maurice kept the crab
locked for about two minutes without Touchdown making a sound.
Referee Rory Leon stopped the bout and awarded it to the Cochons at
8:19, since there seemed to be no way out of the hold. Magnus and
TD congratulated the Cochons on their victory afterwards.
Diamond: Touchdown's gonna feel that when he sobers up. And the Cochons
are gonna feel even worse when Wind and Wuthering pummel them!
Khatru: Right now, let's go to a pre-taped interview we had with one of the
combatants in this next match. Here are words from the former TV Tag
champs and defending Cup champions, The Annihilation Alliance!
[Camera opens to a Summit interview area. Bwana and the reigning Road
Warrior Cup champions, the Annihilation Alliance are standing by.]
Bwana: "Hello everyone. I suppose you're wondering why we sent this taped
message, and don't have any live words for you. Well the answer is quite
simple.....You don't deserve to hear us live! But more importantly, our
first match is with a team that is managed by Machiavelli. Now we have
our ideas as to who these masked men really are, and lets just say that
I'm not about to give them a chance to jump us during a live interview
and get in some cheap shots."
Assailant: "Now that we couldn't handle them! We're the best tag team in
the world right now! We're the defending Road Warrior Cup champs, and we
like the feeling so we're going to leave with the cup again this year!"
GR: "Indeed. Last year the coffins within my catacombs were full after the
Summit. But in the year since, the foul corpses of our victims rotted
away to the dust from whence they came. Now we must fill those coffins
again. Trust me......they will indeed be full when we leave this place.
And may you all Rest in Pieces!"
Bwana: "That's the spirit! We have the RW Cup! We were never beat for the
TWIW Tag Titles! We are the best there ever was! You have a select few
Tag Teams and managers that are good....real good....like our fellow
Unholy Alliance members. But lets face it there can only be one king of
the hill, and me and my 'Tribe of Terror' wear those crowns! Next time
you see us, we'll lets face it nothing will have changed. We'll still be
the best and we'll still have THIS! (holds up the RW Cup) Machiavelli!
I respect you because you're one hell of a manager with one hell of a
past. But that was then and this is now! If you're smart you won't show
up tonight because I can't be held responible for what these men do to
you and your men!"
[Fade out as GR smashes the camera with his shovel. Cut back to the arena,
as Armageddon and Reverend Machiavelli have already been introduced and
are in the ring.]
Misty: Strong words from Bwana's men.
Diamond: Yeah -- Bwana had an extremely lucky year last year at the Summit,
but with a crop of teams like we've got here now, repeating as Cup
champions will be very difficult. And Armageddon are no slouches, either!
Khatru: That's right -- a lot of rumours are circulating that they are The
Law in disguise, but that has yet to be seen. Let's get up to the ring for
the introduction of the defending Cup champions!
[Megadeth's "Symphony Of Destruction" blasts over the PA system, and the
crowd erupts in a chorus of boos.]
Barry: Their opponents are the defending Road Warrior Cup Champions. At a
total combined weight of 640 pounds -- managed by Bwana, The Great White
Hunter -- here are The GraveRobber and The Unknown Assailant, THE
ANNIHILATION ALLIANCE!
[The AA and Bwana walk to the ring, carrying the Road Warrior Cup they won
last year. As they approach the ring, GraveRobber nails Reverend
Machiavelli with his shovel!]
Diamond: That's some way to treat a man of the cloth, even if it IS
Machiavelli!
Khatru: Pandemonium has broken loose, as the Annihilation Alliance has gone
after Machiavelli, and Armageddon are coming over to help their fallen
manager, and now we have a pier-six brawl on the floor of the Georgia Dome!
Misty: Two referees have made their way down to the floor along with a few
of the wrestlers to try and get some order, and it looks like GraveRobber
is going to start against Brimstone.
* Brimstone seemed quite distracted as GraveRobber went to work on
him. With Machiavelli gone, Bwana was able to easily distract te
referee so that the AA could engage in some illicit double-teaming.
Brimstone eventually tagged out to Hellfire, but he fared no better.
But then, something happened...
[6 minutes into the match...]
Misty: Wait a second! Look!
[Cut to a very close ringside shot of Machiavelli crawling out from
underneath the ring.]
Diamond: Wait a sec! The real Machiavelli was knocked out -- or is THAT
the real Machiavelli?!
Khatru: Apparently, Machiavelli anticipated an attack and sent out that
look-alike he's used before, and he's making his presence felt already, as
he trips up the Assailant, and the Assailant takes a swipe at him!
Misty: Hellfire goes for a forearm and gets it -- AND MACHIAVELLI JUST
THREW A FIREBALL AT THE ASSAILANT!
Limbo: He got him good, and referee Nick Rivers is calling for the bell.
It looks like he's going to disqualify Armageddon! And all Hell is
breaking loose in the ring, as all four men are still going at it!
[Cut back to the ring.]
Barry: Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has disqualified Armageddon,
therefore the winners of this match are The Annihilation Alliance! The
time of the fall, 6:31.
Diamond: They're still going at it, and they're brawling in the aisle!
Hellfire's got a chair and he cracks GraveRobber in the back with it, and
the Assailant is swinging the shovel at Brimstone!
Khatru: Here comes the referee brigade and some of the security at the
arena to break it up, but they're STILL brawling!
Limbo: You aren't going to get two teams like that apart without a shotgun,
but it looks like they've got them behind the curtain. Too bad we can't
get a camera back there to see what's going on!
Misty: This is unbelievable....Well, it looks like things are finally back
to normal at ringside, so let's get the announcements for the final match
of the first round.
[Back to the ring.]
Barry: This is the final match of the first round. Introducing first,
making their way to the ring, the ESW World Tag-Team Champions! Here are
Ravage and Valentine The Magician, BLACK MAGIC!
[The lights darken, a smoke bomb goes off by the entrance, and Valentine
and Ravage come out of the smoke.]
Diamond: Great -- The Mystics had a phenomenal entrance, so Ballatine the
Optician decided to try his hand at oneupmanship...
Khatru: Well, Valentine's already established himself a spot in the annuls
of wrestling, especially after that cowardly attack on Alison Carrere last
week.
Misty: Let's go to comments from Sylvester Foxx and Animal Instinct!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Sylvester T. Foxx comes out of his offices and walks toward the back
stairs. It's very hard to read the expression on his face. He's either
very frustrated or extremely focused and determined. As he heads for the
basement he speaks . . . )
["Sly" Foxx]
"You know . . . 1993 did not end on a very positive note for us:
Scorpia STILL continues to be misunderstood by the wrestling community,
Tempest blatantly CHEATED us out of the M.B.W.F. Tag Team Championship,
and the atrocity to end ALL atrocities--when the nominations for
e-Wrestling's Manager of the Year were announced, I was COMPLETELY SNUBBED!
"But that's all in the past now, and as every single one of you half-
witted dimwits out there know, I don't live in the past. This is a new
year, and the Foxx Den has a new direction, a new focus, and a whole new
attitude. We have learned from what few mistakes we made last year, and
the adjustments I've made will make us even MORE dangerous than we were
before! And our road of ruin will start at the Road Warrior Cup."
(Sly pulls a coded card from his wallet and slides it through the security
monitor on Animal Instinct's underground trianing facility. The doors
slide open, and the camera follows him in. On the far end of the room, we
can see T. Wolf and Kid Kodiak running the "Gauntlet"--ten wrestlers
converging on them all at once. Some are on the concrete floor, groggy,
struggling to make it to their feet. The ones in the ring aren't faring
much better. T. Wolf is very quick and alert dishing out drop kicks and
flying neckbreakers left and right. Kid Kodiak is almost effortlessly
clotheslining, power slamming, and powerbombing his foes through the mat.)
[Foxx]
"Take a good look, everyone! THIS is what you have to look forward
to: two exceptional, well-trained, finely-tuned athletes with the killer
instinct naturally instilled in them and developed and enhanced by Yours
Truly. When these boys hit the ring, they are set on one thing--tearing
their opponents to shreds!
"Master Race, you will get the first taste of our fury, our drive, our
determination, and our out-and-out SUPERIORITY! You'll find out the hard
way who the REAL masters are!
"Tempest, it's so nice to know you've decided to join the party. Well
if you think it's gonna be smooth sailing for you, think again! You can't
run from us, you can't stop us, and you can't control us! We're coming
after you with a force stronger than Hurrican Andrew and the California
Quake put together! And we'll be inflicting more damage than both of them,
too! Tempest, you're day of reckoning is coming . . . a LOT sooner than
you think!
"And if you or anyone else believes that we'll be easy pickings,
here's a little reminder . . . "
(Sly turns back to the ring and sees only three opponents still fighting.)
[Foxx]
"WHAT TIME IS IT?!?!?"
(Animal Instinct picks up on their cue. They hang one foe upside-down in
the corner, saving him for later. T. Wolf sets up someone else for what
looks like a superplex while Kodiak whips the third into the far ropes. He
catches his victim on the rebound with his Beaar Claw hold, really turning
up the pressure. T. delivers his Minnesota Crunch second-rope brain
buster, then heaves is opponent out of the ring and onto the floor.
Meanwhile, Kodiak's man has passed out. He, too, is bid farewell rather
uncerimoniously. Sly Foxx turns back to the camera for a moment.)
[Foxx]
"Now you tell me, (points to ring) how are you going to stop this:"
(The duo remove the remaining wrestler from the corner and drag him to the
center of the ring. T. Wolf climbs outside and stands on the apron while
Kodiak grabs the victim's legs. He then begins to catapult his man in the
general direction of T. Wolf. Just before he becomes airborne, T. jumps up
onto the top rope and launches himself toward his target. He connects with
a flying clothesline, 360-ing his opponent. The Kill is a success.)
[Foxx]
"PERFECT!!!! I TOLD you the extra training I was putting you guys
through was worth it!"
(The two hover over their fallen foe, toy with him for a while, then heave
him out. They leave the ring, exchange a hi-five, nd take their positions
behind Mr. Foxx.)
[Foxx]
"I've said it before, and I'll keep on saying it until everyone gets
the message . . . NOBODY can tame the Animal Instinct . . . NOBODY!"
(Fade out.)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Animal Instinct come out to the ring with Sly Foxx as Motley Crue's
"Wildside" blares over the PA. Mixed reaction from the crowd -- some are
cheering because they hate Black Magic too much.]
Barry: Their opponents are managed by Sylvester T. Foxx. At a total
combined weight of 537 pounds, here are Kid Kodial and T. Wolf, ANIMAL
INSTINCT!
[AI jump into the ring, ready for action.]
Diamond: An interesting cross of styles -- Foxx is flambuoyant, and
Valentine is just plain sadistic. It'll be a fun match...
Khatru: Especially for the fans! Look in the stands!
[Cut to a shot of Beast and Brute, handing out free pizza to the folks at
rignside. Georgia Dome staff cover the rest of the arena, doing the
same.]
Diamond: Hahahahaha...That Jonesy's one strange character, alright!
[Just then, The Amazing Mr. Jones comes to the booth with free pizza, and
a special surprise for Chinchilla Khatru -- a coconut creme pie to the
face. Ace Diamond falls over laughing, and Jones joins his boys in the
good seats.]
Misty: HAHAHAHA...He got you good, Chinchilla!
Khatru: Excuse me while I change my suit...
Diamond [getting back up]: HAAHAHAHAHAHAH...Hoo, boy! Like I said, that's
one strange character!
* Despite the presence of Wild Hazard at ringside, Black Magic managed
to stay on the offensive. After distributing pizza, WH took up
residence in a neutral corner. Ravage and Valentine had to keep one
eye on AI and one on WH, but still did well. At numerous points in
the match, Jones would inflate a balloon and bonk the legal member
of Black Magic with it. It served to piss them off enough that
they'd chase Jonesy a bit before getting dragged back in. At the
end, Jonesy whipped out another coconut creme pie from underneath
the ring, and swatted Valentine in the ass with it. When Valentine
took a swipe at Jonesy, Kodiak hit Valentine with a shoulderblock
and rolled him up for the pin at 8:01.
Barry: The winners of the bout, ANIMAL INSTINCT!
[AI head back to the dressing room as Black Magic complain to the referee
in the ring. Wild Hazard disappear into the crowd.]
Khatru: Now there was a wild bout! But one thing I noticed -- T. Wolf did
look a little tired.
Limbo: Hey, AI wrestled their second match already. Of course they're
tired.
Diamond: One other thing, Chinch -- you're a mess!
Khatru: Well, Jerry Jones left a suit in the locker room, in case Leon Lett
got him with Gatorade. Maybe I should try that one on.
Misty: Maybe we should take a break so you can find a men's shop that's
still open!
Limbo: Good idea. I believe there's a branch of Winchester's Big And Tall
open until midnight in downtown Atlanta. That's where I get all my suits.
Khatru: We may just do that. Hold on, folks! We'll be back in 15 minutes!
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THE ROAD WARRIOR CUP WILL RESUME IN 15:00
THE ROAD WARRIOR CUP WILL RESUME IN 14:00
THE ROAD WARRIOR CUP WILL RESUME IN 13:00
THE ROAD WARRIOR CUP WILL RESUME IN 12:00
THE ROAD WARRIOR CUP WILL RESUME IN 11:00
THE ROAD WARRIOR CUP WILL RESUME IN 10:00
THE ROAD WARRIOR CUP WILL RESUME IN 9:00
THE ROAD WARRIOR CUP WILL RESUME IN 8:00
THE ROAD WARRIOR CUP WILL RESUME IN 7:00
THE ROAD WARRIOR CUP WILL RESUME IN 6:00
THE ROAD WARRIOR CUP WILL RESUME IN 5:00
THE ROAD WARRIOR CUP WILL RESUME IN 4:00
THE ROAD WARRIOR CUP WILL RESUME IN 3:00
THE ROAD WARRIOR CUP WILL RESUME IN 2:00
THE ROAD WARRIOR CUP WILL RESUME IN 1:00
[Cut back to the Georgia Dome. Chinchilla Khatru is wearing a brand new
suit.]
Khatru: We're back, and we have no more than six matches to go! We have
three matches to go in this round of eight, which is REALLY a round of
seven.
THE HEADBANGERS vs. --BYE--
WILD HAZARD vs. GRID IRON
WIND & WUTHERING vs. THE FABULOUS COCHON BROTHERS
THE ANNIHILATION ALLIANCE vs. ANIMAL INSTINCT
Diamond: Strange -- the only tag-team champions that are still around are
Wind & Wuthering, and they haven't fought yet.
Misty: Let's get to the ring quickly!
[Cut to the ring. The Headbangers are standing in the center of the ring.
Grid Iron are in one corner with Fender Marshall, Wild Hazard in the other
with The Amazing Mr. Jones.]
Barry: Ladies and gentlemen, due to the draw in the Firewalkers/Mystics
match, the team of Mosh and Thrash, the Headbangers, advance to the
semi-finals to face the winner of this bout.
[The referee raises Mosh and Thrash's arms, they go over to Grid Iron's
corner to give them some tips, and then leave.]
Barry: This bout is scheduled for one fall with a 20 minute time limit.
Introducing first, the manager, TWIW's Manager of the Year, The Icon of the
90's, Mr. Fender Marshall!
[Fender grabs the mike from Barry.]
Fender: Beat it, loser! What I'd like right now is for all you booger
eatin', Hee Haw watchin', Atlanta (bleep)holes, to shut up while I
introduce the B-A-double D, baddest team in wrestling! At a combined
weight of 522 pounds of geek squashing muscle, the meanest backfield
ever to come out of Brawl State University, Ron "Tombstone" Taylor and
Jack "Laser" Rae, the [uncrowned] ECWA World Tag Team Champions, GRID
IRON!
[The crowd boos loudly.]
Barry: Their opponents defeated The Dangerous Emotions in the first round.
Managed by The Amazing Mr. Jones, here are Beast and Brute, WILD HAZARD!
[The crowd cheers loudly.]
* It was another one of those matches, that seemed to be over too
quickly. Grid Iron went on the attack early, surprisingly
manhandling Beast and Brute. The lads really didn't know what hit
them, and seemed to be unable to mount an effective offense.
However, the only effective offenses came when Wild Hazard exchanged
lifting gloves with Jones -- when they had the lead-filled ones,
things evened out for a bit. However, the plan backfired as Jack
Rae caught one of the sap gloves and belted Brute with it, knocking
him senseless. The referee checked the glove, found that Rae's was
the only lead-filled glove, and disqualified Grid Iron. However, GI
didn't seem to care, as they continued to bludgeon Wild Hazard until
The Firewalkers and Ace Diamond came in to make the save. The
Firewalkers and Grid Iron brawled all the way back to the dressing
room while Ace helped Jones with Beast and Brute. Time: 5:12.
Misty: Well, Fender Marshall's up to his old tricks yet again.
Khatru: Despite that, Wild Hazard advance, but they have to put up with the
same tactics again, as they're fighting the Headbangers in the semifinals.
Limbo: Let's go to the interview area, where Ace Diamond and the OWCH World
Tag-Team champions, Wind & Wuthering, are standing by with special UeWF
correspondant Slim Moss! Take it away, Slim!
[Cut to the interview area, where Wind & Wuthering are standing with Ace
Diamond.]
Moss: Thank you Rash Limbo. Fans, I'm standing with the only current World
champions still alive in this tournament, OWCH's own Wind & Wuthering.
Now, you two gentlemen have made quite an impact in the sport in a short
time, but you're going against crafty veterans in Paul and Maurice Cochon.
Any thoughts?
Wind [the smaller of the two, for those of you who don't watch OWCH]: Well,
Slim, we're not really expecting anything different from the Cochons. We
beat some tough teams in our attempts to climb the ladder in OWCH, and we
managed to come away with the World Tag-Team titles. Right now, we feel
that as World Champs, we're the odds-on favorites to win it all, and that's
exactly what we plan on doing.
Wuthering: Paul and Maurice, you better be expecting some wrestling,
because we don't enjoy cheap shots. Just ask the Spy Network what happens
when you don't concentrate on a match with us.
Diamond: Slim, just try and tell me that these guys don't look like
potential Road Warrior Cup champions. To the ring, boys!
[Cut back to the ring. "Dance On A Volcano" by Genesis blasts over the PA
as Wind And Wuthering make their way to ringside.]
Barry: This bout is scheduled for one fall with a 20 minute time limit.
Introducing, already in the ring, the team that defeated Team Supreme in
the first round. Managed by Sir Walter Raleigh, here are THE FABULOUS
COCHON BROTHERS!
[Crowd boos.]
Barry: Their opponents are the current OWCH World Tag-Team Champions. At a
total combined weight of 515 lbs., here are Ace Diamond's team of WIND &
WUTHERING!
[Crowd cheers.]
* The match was rather straightforward and, well, boring. The most
exciting part came when Sir Walter Raleigh jumped on the apron to
distract the ref while Wind had Paul Cochon in a bow-and-arrow.
Wuthering charged on the paron and clocked Raleigh, sending him down
hard to the floor below. This angered the Cochons, but it also
angered Gilles "The Fish" Saumon, who was sitting at ringside with
Luna Cochon. After a few minutes, when Wuthering seemed to have
Maurice in position for a victory, Gilles climbed over the ring
barrier and tripped Wuthering up. Wuthering dropped Maurice and ran
out of the ring to attack Saumon. Since the ref didn't see Saumon's
trip, he couldn't disqualify the Cochons. But Saumon kept Wuthering
out of the ring for the ten-count, so Wind & Wuthering, like all the
other world champions in the tournament, were eliminated early.
Time of the fall: 16:33.
Limbo: Unbelievable. Did the ref honestly think that Wuthering went after
Gilles Saumon for the hell of it?
Khatru: Well, that was the ref's decision. Ace is livid about it, but
there is really nothing he can do about it.
Misty: Well, the combatants are in the ring for our final match of the
round of eight, so let's go back to Barry again!
[Back to the ring.]
Barry: This is the last match of the second round of the tournament.
Introducing in the corner to my left, managed by Bwana the Great White
Hunter, the team that defeated Armageddon in the first round. Ladies and
gentlmen, the ANNIHILATION ALLIANCE! Their opponents are managed by
Sylvester T. Foxx, and they defeated Black Magic in the first round.
Ladies and gentlemen, ANIMAL INSTINCT!
* Wolf and Kodiak didn't wait for the bell to get going. They jumped
the AA in an effort to get the upper hand early, and it did work for
a bit. The major turnaround point was when they set up GraveRobber
for "The Kill", where T. Wolf jumps on the top rope from the apron
to clothesline the opponent Kid Kodiak is catapulting towards him.
It would've spelled certain doom for the defending Cup champions if
T. Wolf hadn't slipped and crotched himself on the rope. Kodiak
still finished the catapult, not knowing Wolf had slipped, and GR
clotheslined Wolf out of the ring. Wolf didn't get back up, so the
AA won via countout. Time of the fall: 13:13.
Khatru: And the Annihilation Alliance takes one more step towards a
possible repeat as Cup champions!
Diamond [who has since returned to the booth to replace Rash Limbo]: Well,
it all could have changed had Wolf hit that clothesline. I've seen them
use that move, and it's gotten them quite a few notches in the win column.
Misty: So, with that match, we're now down to four teams. The Headbangers,
Wild Hazard, The Fabulous Cochon Brothers, and The Annihilation Alliance.
Khatru: Let's get to the ring for the semifinals!
[Cut to the ring, where both teams have already been introduced.]
* Much like Grid Iron had done in the previous round, The Headbangers
went on the attack early. However, Jones' boys were expecting that
to happen, so they effectively countered the Headbangers' surge.
But Fender Marshall countered Wild Hazard's counter with a few
well-timed trips and tricks. After about five minutes of Fender
stalling the WH offense with cheating, Ace Diamond got fed up and
left the booth to act as a second referee. Fender Marshall got
angry, for obvious reasons -- would YOU want your worst enemy at
ringside? Diamond played a major role in deciding the outcome -- he
reached in and grabbed Thrash's leg when he was going for the
Strato-smasher on Brute. Thrash reached down to grab Diamond, Beast
helped break Brute out of Mosh's bearhug, and Brute met Thrash with
a small package for the three-count at 21:23. The Headbangers both
went after Ace Diamond, but The Firewalkers and Wind & Wuthering
came out to save their manager.
Khatru: And Wild Hazard are in the finals!
Misty: They're in, but they're also weak -- and they're either going to
face the Cochons or the Annihilation Alliance, who are two of the greatest
teams in E-wrestling history.
Khatru: I think that match will determine the winner of the tournament -- I
don't see how Wild Hazard can stack up against the experience.
Misty: I disagree -- Wild Hazard have held their own in ESW, and have
proven to be a talented team. I think they stand a very good chance of
winning.
Khatru: We'll find out, as the combatants are in the ring for the last
semifinal match!
* This match was violent and brutal. The first move the AA made was
to try and take out Sir Walter Raleigh, but Sir Walter fended them
off with his cane. The AA took it to the Cochons using their size
as an advantage, and it was quite an advantage. The quick-tagging
style of the Cochons was neutralized, but Sir Walter Raleigh was
able to use his cane at regular intervals to swing the advantage
back to the Cochons. Bwana got angry about Sir Walter's
interference and shot Maurice and Paul with tranquilizer darts
(since telling the ref didn't seem to work). GraveRobber got the
pin on Paul Cochon at 6:55, but when referee Rollie Anderman noticed
the dart in Paul's leg, he immediately reversed his decision.
Misty: And it looks like the Cochons are in the finals, but are they going
to be able to wrestle?
Khatru: I don't know, Misty -- wait a second -- it looks like Tim Nerd is
going to make a decision in this matter -- let's go to him and Derek
Brushoff in the interview area.
[Cut to the interview area.]
Brushoff: Mr. Nerd, what is your decision?
Nerd: Well, Derek, I think it's only fair that the Cochon Brothers be
given a chance to recover from Bwana's attack, so we will be taking a
ten-minute intermission to allow them to recover.
Brushoff: There you have it -- we'll be back in ten minutes!
[Fade out to the TWiW logo and the ten-minute countdown.]
--
/ Don Becker at the Wizzard's Cave grendel@jaflrn.Morse.Net \
| "I hold the light; the light of stength that pulls me through the fear. |
| San Jacinto, I hold the light." --Peter Gabriel, "San Jacinto" (1980) |
\ "The music industry sucks." --Robert Fripp /
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From: grendel@jaflrn.Morse.Net (Don Becker)
Subject: THE SUMMIT OF E-WRESTLING -- Day 3: The Road Warrior Cup (Part 2)
To: TWiW-L.out@jaflrn.Morse.Net (This Week In Wrestling)
Date: Sun, 6 Feb 1994 23:17:15 -0500 (EST)
X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4 PL21]
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Status: OR
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THIS WEEK IN WRESTLING PRESENTS:
THE 1993 ROAD WARRIOR CUP FINALS
WILD HAZARD (ESW) vs. THE FABULOUS COCHON BROTHERS (UeWF)
[Cut back to Chinchilla, Misty, Ace, and Rash in the booth.]
Khatru: We're back, and we're just about ready for the final match of this
tournament.
Diamond: Enough jawing, folks -- let's get this over with!
[Cut to the ring as the bell rings.]
Barry: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the final match of the Road Warrior
Cup Tournament, scheduled for one fall, with no time limit! Introducing first, coming down to
the ring, led by their manager, Sir Walter Raleigh, the former UeWF World
and I-C Tag Team Champions, and TWiW's Most Hated Tag Team for 1993. To
reach this match, they defeated Team Supreme, Wind & Wuthering, and The
Annihilation Alliance. Ladies and gentlemen, THE FABULOUS COCHON BROTHERS!
[Paul, Maurice, and Sir Walter walk out to the ring to the immense boos of
the capacity crowd.]
Barry: Their opponents are managed by The Amazing Mr. Jones. They are
former ESW World Tag Team champions, and were voted TWiW's Most Popular Tag
Team for 1993. To reach this match, they defeated The Dangerous Emotions,
Grid Iron, and The Headbangers. Ladies and gentlemen, Beast and Brute,
WILD HAZARD!
[Beast, Brute, and Jonesy come to the ring, but are attacked by the Cochons
as they enter the ring.]
* The Cochons were hellbent on getting a quick victory in this match
to cement their reputation as a great team. However, Wild Hazard
were not going to be treated like so many rookie tag teams. Though
the Cochons went on the offensive early, Wild Hazard was able to
turn it all around quickly. The two teams traded the advantage
for the first fifteen minutes, with neither team able to get the
definite upper hand. At the fifteen minute mark,
Paul and Maurice tried to hit Beast with a double clothesline, but
Beast somersaulted underneath it and hit both Cochons with a
split-legged drop kick. This could have been the beginning of the
end, except that when Beast went for the cover on Paul, Maurice
grabbed Sir Walter's loaded cane. Sir Walter distracted the ref,
and Maurice went to bash Beast with it.
Beast rolled out of the way, and Maurice wound up clocking Paul with
it. Brute came into the ring, grabbed the cane from Maurice, and
beat him with it, then threw it to the crowd. With Maurice out of
the ring, Wild Hazard set Paul up for Hazard Pay. Brute hit Paul
with a superplex, and Beast hit him with a moonsault just as Paul
landed. One...
Two...
Thr--NO!
Sir Walter ran into the ring and stomped on Beast's head. The
referee saw this and disqualified the Cochons. Paul and Maurice
came in to brutalize Beast and Brute, but Jones blew up a few
lead-filled balloons and boked Paul, Maurice, and Sir Walter away.
The Cochons left the ring defeeated as Wild Hazard celebrated.
Barry: The winners of this match, in 16:31, as a result of a
disqualification, and new Road Warrior Cup champions, WILD HAZARD!
[Cut back to the booth as non-lead-filled balloons descend onto the ring,
showering Wild Hazard, Mr. Jones, and their Road Warrior Cup.]
Khatru: What a wild ending to a wild night of wrestling! For Ace Diamond,
Misty Radisson-Pruitt, Rash Limbo, Derek Brushoff, Slim Moss, and the
entire TWiW crew, I'm Chinchilla Khatru saying so long from Atlanta!
[Fade out.]
--
/ Don Becker at the Wizzard's Cave grendel@jaflrn.Morse.Net \
| "I hold the light; the light of stength that pulls me through the fear. |
| San Jacinto, I hold the light." --Peter Gabriel, "San Jacinto" (1980) |
\ "The music industry sucks." --Robert Fripp /
(
geocities.com/Colosseum/Arena) (
geocities.com/Colosseum)