No offence is meant to anyone, anywhere, in any of the entire universe, both in this time dimension and all the others that may or may not exist. Please take everything you read with several pinches of salt.
And the god Nee! crated Dr. Pepper, and he saw that it was mysterious. And lo! the quest for enlightenment began, and all around the land was heard the cry "I just can't understand it!".
The pilgrims were protected by the five knights of Spice, these being Baby, Sporty, Ginger, Posh and Scary. And lo, they walked through the valley of popmusic to the vending machine in the common room in the sky. And lo, girlpower was created, and he saw that it was bad. And he tried to stop them but they kicked him where it hurt.
So he created 4 women. And they were saints, they were All Saints (except one, who was on a work placement scheme).
And then in the realm of Arcadia, 3 children were born in a manger, and lo, twas a multiple birth. And under the three corded star an angel came down and said You Shall Call Them Hanson and They Shall Bear a Striking Resemblance to Glyn Towers. And lo, the Lord of Nee! saw that it was bad, and so he created Glyn Towers and thus sent him among their number armed with cheap french perfume, slicked back hair and a white tuxedo. Alas he was no match for the mighty brothers Hanson, who continued to sell annoying yet strangely catchy tunes in vast adundance to impressionable prepubescent girls.
The world was riddled with evil so the god Nee! created the holy mother Madonna, who was Like a Virgin, well, almost. And Madonna was a miracle because at the age of 39 she resembled a sprightly eighteen year old. Some said she drank from the well of eternal youth. Some said she merely redesigned her face every summer. And lo, many wigs were worn. Madonna vanquished the foul demons Hanson from Arcadia, while she was in bed with them, by reading them Bedtime Stories . And Like a Prayer they vanished into the True Blue. And this feat accomplished she left Arcadia with the cry "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" but Tears from Uruguay were acceptable. She descended into the realm of Erotica and the tears from Uruguay covered the land in a mighty flood, the only refuge being atop the golden bras.
And then the Lord of Nee! came down to simple fisherman and part time popstar Noah Gallager and his brother Liam, and said to them Thou shalt seek refuge from this deluge from Uruguay in the Ark of Main Road with your nameless rhythm section and your wife Patsy and thou shalt be saved. My one condition is that you change your name to Island, for this is now your quest. And lo, they came to rest in a very dodgy part of Manchester. And he saw that it was manky. And the Lord Nee! deemed himself mad for it.
The prodigal son Keith deemed himself the starter of fires and teacher of respiration, and lo, many a bitch was smacked up on high. The Lord Nee! saw that the land was fat, and sent forth the 3 wise men, Maxim, Liam and the other one and there was much controversy amongst the Romans.
And there was much confusion amongst the minions and the great question was asked, Are You Jimmy Reay?
And thus a silence fell upon the land.
The Lord Nee! sent forward the 7 great plagues, these being
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
And lo the mighty Keith grew old and began to teach Chemistry, but still managed to start fires. Twisted fires. And the Lord Nee! saw that it was fiery and was pleased, for it saved on his celestial gas bill.
And the Lord answered, Who Wants To Know?
Chapter Six
all of which were OTT, and the people were displeased.
And so they called on Janet Jackson, and she declared that The Best Things In Life Are Free.
And the mighty queen Cleopatra came down form above and proved that she was indeed Coming Atcha.
There then followed a period of darkness envoked by the mighty Janet Jackson, her brother Michael brought forth from his face of white. And the first born son of every household was sticken with fear.
Back to main page