THE FIELD GUIDE TO NEO-PAGANDOM
by: unknown
Return to the Home Page.
Return to the Humor page.
1. BRIGHT-EYED NOVICE
You just read this cool book about a religion where there's a _Goddess_ and a God,
and they meet outside in nature, instead of some scary old building. They think sex is
GOOD not evil, and you want to know where to sign up.
Distinguishing Signs:
Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is deosil and
which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with "A-frame".)
2. GRAND OLD WOMAN/MAN
Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time they
dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley - or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson.
Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three people with one name?
Distinguishing Signs:
Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about people you've only
read about.
3. TREE HUGGING NATURE SPRITE
Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes. Simultaneously
believes in universal love for humanity AND returning the planet to a pristine,
uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment's notice.
Can discuss compost in great detail.
Distinguishing Signs:
No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no eco-
exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very tolerant.
4. ANAL RETENTIVE CEREMONIAL
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying Greek, Latin and
Hebrew all at once. Does "workings" instead of "rituals". All twenty volumes of their
magical diaries are all in Enochian.
Distinguishing Signs:
Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which direction is east.
Dresses according to planetary conditions, or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart.
5. WOMYNCENTRIC GYNOCRAT
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying it.
She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full-moon club.
Can hold forth for hours on the magical properties of menstrual blood.
Distinguishing Signs:
Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a penis, are a favored symbol
and oftenhang conveniently from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her
eyes and stops talking.
6. SEXY PAGAN NYMPH
Oh, they're so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh -- and you can actually
carry on a conversation with them between orgasms... pant, drool...
Distinguishing Signs:
Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry to you under a
full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of them.
7. CORPORATE CLOSET WITCH
"Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal day..." Has an entire
chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with spells for purifying the workplace.
Doesn't mind working on Christmas, especially if there's overtime involved. Quit being
overtly Pagan at work since being canned by that born-again boss, but still refuses to say
"Merry Christmas."
Distinguishing Signs:
Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly
glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-
distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous tattoos.
8. CHILDE OV KAOS
Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to think. Knows what a
Prince Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky headlines appear the day after you do
a ritual, you screwed up. Painted on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly
displayed as jewelry is an emblem which resembles a combination of corporate logo and
arcane symbol. If you don't know what it means, they'll think you're a dweeb.
Distinguishing Signs:
Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike messenger, difficult to visualize
as a school teacher or research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV news anchor or
bank officer. Always wears black leather, even when sleeping.
9. PAGAN CELEBRITY
At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key for elevator
access. Lurks around knots of conversation eavesdropping in order to see if their name is
being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter especially for rituals. Starts every sentence with
"I". If you ask them how it's going, they hand you a press release.
Distinguishing Signs:
Always has plenty of books to autograph and will personally sell them to you at a
slight discount from cover price. Never seen unaccompanied by beefy amazonian
bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on. Seems vaguely afraid of anyone they don't already
know.
10. SCARY DEVIL WORSHIPPER
Would _never_ be caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except
in a snide, knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of
conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read _The Bell Curve_ with
smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly, but they want you
to think they're capable of vast destruction.
Distinguishing Signs:
Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black eyeliner. At
least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person. If you see several of them
getting tanked in a bar, it would be wise to stay far away.
11. CROWLEY-IN-A-PAST-LIFE
Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with several variants along
the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebody who was Atlantean
royalty. Many of them were abducted by aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams rich
with arcane symbolism that they will tell you all about, in _great_ detail.
Distinguishing Signs:
Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling with various
psychiatric medications, and the garments that were clearly designed and tailored on
another planet.
12. RAVIN' PAGAN
Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to do boring
Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes with lots of interesting local
plants. Can say "Ayahuasca" ten times real fast and deliver long quotes from Terrence
McKenna.
"Let us declare nature to be legitimate. All plants should
be declared legal, and all animals for that matter. The notion of illegal plants and
animals is obnoxious and ridiculous."
-Terence Mckenna
Distinguishing Signs:
Dresses in color combinations that hurt the eyes unless you've taken ecstasy.
Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never goes anywhere without ritual drum.
13. FAIRIE QUEEN
Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a couple or are all four
of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these questions could disturb you, best stay
away. If, on the other hand, these kind of questions seem overly judgmental, you might
have a real good time...
Distinguishing Signs:
When you look at this person, does every sex act you've ever experienced in your
life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations -- you've found a Fairie!
14. HIGH EPISCOPAGAN
Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager, an orchestra with
chorus and last at least three hours? It's a High Episcopagan! They can memorize pages
and pages of Olde Englishe, have more ritual garbs than most people have socks, and
consider their main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby
Berkeley.
Distinguishing Signs:
Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of "Carmina Burana"
Don't ask them about that 18th century seed pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you've
got an hour to spare.
15. FUNDAMENTAPAGAN
If it's in a book, it must be true. If it's in an old book, it must _really_ be true. If it's
in an old book that was handed down from an oral tradition of people who couldn't read,
then it must _really_ be _way_ true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone
shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical assistance. Believes
that anyone who lives in a city, eats meat or has a regular job dare not call themselves a
pagan.
Distinguishing Signs:
Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old "Crowley ghosted Gardner's books"
argument. Goes around correcting everyone's gaelic/old norse/latin/babylonian.
16. DANCES WITH BUNNYRABBITS:
Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings. Charter
member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly executed. Has many, many,
many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally owns 927 models, pictures, and other
depictions of their spirit animal.
Distinguishing Signs:
Not counting the pagan his/herself, how many animals can you see when looking at
them? If the count surpasses five (including critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments
and undies), you've found a worshipper of beasties.
17. PRIEST/ESS OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
Analyzes everything they read or hear for sexist-racist-homophobic- imperialist-
Eurocentric content without paying attention to what is actually being said. Believes in
personal liberty -- everyone has the right to be overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-
thou, not just the Xtian Right. Incredibly boring yet annoyingly self-righteous all at the
same time.
Distinguishing Signs:
Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in motion, waiting for someone to do or
say something _bad_. Has loud and attention attracting hissy fits when
confronted with everyday things such as advertising or corporate franchises. Rudimentary
sense of humor is rarely activated.
18. OUR LADY OF INTENSE SUFFERING
Is constantly persecuted. You're probably persecuting her right now, you just don't
realize it. Became a Pagan because she decided it was that most persecuted religion of
all. Can't enjoy anything because it would be selfish to have any fun when so many are
suffering.
Distinguishing Signs:
Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor than #17. Bristles when anyone says
the words "masochist" or "whining".
19. I AM NOT SPOCK
(at the moment)
Knows at least three filks about Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek jokes. Has
found a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks of science fiction paperbacks.
Can name ninety different kinds of space ship.
Distinguishing Signs:
Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with parents. Many cryptic buttons,
badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for their own good.
20. HET-CASE
Insist that they aren't homophobic; they just believe that Paganism is about a
goddess and a god and they do it and what could be more obvious than that? It just
doesn't "work right" if you try any other way! Are secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians
are dying to jump their tender hetro bones.
Distinguishing Signs:
Living spaces abound with depiction's of satyrs with enormous genitals and huge-
breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Long manicured nails and wreaths of flowers (on females
_only_ -- men have big, bushy beards instead.)
21. NORSE CODE
Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival organizers and
park rangers due to their fondness for running around with a huge battle-ax in one hand
and a full mead horn in the other. They throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp, you're
expressly not invited.
Distinguishing Signs:
Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes, with many pounds
of amber dangling from their necks.
22. PENTACLES, INC.
Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't buying my
hand forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces -- they come in silver and gold, and each one
has a genuine cubic zirconium belly button. Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa
or MasterCard?
Distinguishing Signs:
Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams. You never saw so much
Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life. Rarely leaves the
dealer's room and can't believe there are so many jewelry sellers present.
23. JUDEO-CHRISTOPAGAN
Some consider these people to be a contradiction in terms. They believe in a God
and a Goddess, but have been going to the local Church (or Synagogue) for so long that
they can't give up on it entirely. They know there's "more", but they just can't decide
which "more" is for them. ;)
Distinguishing Signs:
On their altar they have: a Holy Bible, a Pentagram, a Star of David, a statue of
Buddha, and even The Book of Mormon (You never know). This way they have all the
"bases" covered. They can hold, at length, a conversation about ANY religion in the
known world. They place the name of their "primary" religion in front of Witch. (i.e.
Southern Baptist Witch..No kidding! Such a person does exist!!)
24. THE SPACE VIKING,
aka the Wild-Eyed Rune Freak
Sees runic influence everywhere in his/her life, obsessively identifying every object
or experience with one rune or another. Owns the complete works of Edred Thorsson,
Kveldulf Gundarsson, and a few other rune-minded authors (anything that quotes enough
Norse text and Germanic folklore to convince him the author knows his stuff). Wears at
least one piece of Nordic jewelry openly; carries half-a-dozen rune talismans hidden
elsewhere on his/her body.
Distinguishing Signs:
Often lauds personal correspondence, and even conversation, with runes and rune-
names in place of normal words. (Actual note received from a Space Viking: "Hi
Ingeborg! Just dropped by to announce [tiwaz=3D"victory"] in state semi-finals...I
[nauthiz] to get in touch with you...call me up at any time of [dagaz].")
25. MONSTER TRUCK PAGAN
Can grow their own food, build their own house, sew their own clothes
homeschool their children and brew their own organic hooch. Are looking forward to the
bleak, post-apocalyptic world postulated by the environmentalists as they can't wait to
run amok through the country, worshiping ancient gods, blowing up strip malls and
rutting on the divider line of every interstate.
Distinguishing Signs:
Resourceful, clever and very well versed in the U. S. Constitution. Eats meat with
visible twitches of pleasure. Is aware that primitive religions have nothing to do with
crystals, Atlantis or unicorns.
26. BUBBA WITCH
Can typically be found wandering the country roads, bare foot and in jean
suspenders. When they pass a person in their town it is always their cousin. Their idea of
a circle chant is hooting and hollering at barn yard hoedowns! If they ain't makin' a rukus
in town, their off chasm' 'coons through the woods, making more noise than their 13
hunting hounds! "Yeah, maybe ah shuld ave 12 dawgs 'n me ta make a propa cercle, but
ah unly gots 10 fingas! How ya 'spect me ta count ta 13? gonna let me borra' youz
fingas?" *draws his trusty dagger, he and ol' yeller circling for the kiIl*
Distinguishing Signs:
Straw protruding from clothes and hair like additional appendages. We won't even
ask what they were doing in the hay loft to get all messy like that! Their pickup truck gas
caps are replaced with a nifty black cloth with a white pentacle on it, or is that a white
hood with a black pentacle? In any case, they are never without baccy-blackened gums
(the teeth fell out long ago) and always have at least one spit cup on their person.
27. NINJA WITCH
These night-clad Pagans are amusing from a distance only. They sneak through the
shadows of streets pretending they can't be seen by everyone and trying to ignore the car
lights and strange looks everyone gives them. The looks are merely coincidental of
course "I'm the mighty invisible ninja, noone can see me!" They ain't too funny when you
do actively point them out, they're Hilarious. They usually react by making all kinds of
funny squeeky sounds and trying to stick their foot in their mouth, or is it supposed to be
your mouth?
Distinguishing Signs:
Always in a baggy ninja jump suit and carrying one of those dangerous plastic
Katanas the kids buy at K-Mart for Halloween. Pentagram throwing stars and an
adorable lil' red pentacle on their hood. Supposed to make 'em seem dangerous! ooohhh...
scary.
To contact me or to request topics to be covered, send to RikJohnson@juno.com
by: Rick Johnson 
PO Box 40451
Tucson, Az.
85717
Return to the Home Page.
Return to the Humor page.
