1. Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.

Christian Science:

1. When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.
2. Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.
3. Our shit will take care of itself.
4. Shit happens in your mind.

Confucianism:

1. Confucious say, "Shit happens".
2. Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY."

Creation Science:

1. Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C.
2. ... And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ... and there came piles of it. After six days of this shit, He rested.

Darwinism:

1. Survival of the shittiest.

Dianetics:

1. "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)

Discordianism:

1. Shit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.

Episcopalianism:

1. If shit happens, hold a procession.

EST:

1. I am at cause that shit will not happen.
2. You're responsible for all the shit that happens.

Fundamentalism:

1. There's no shit in the Bible.
2. Shit happens, but don't publish it.

Greek Orthodox:

1. Shit happens, usually in threes.

Hare Krishna:

1. Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
2. She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)
3. Please this flower and buy our shit.

Hinduism:

1. I've seen this shit happening before.
2. This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.
3. This shit happening IS you.

Iraqi Baathist:

1. Oh shit!

Islam:

1. If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
2. If shit happens, take a hostage.
3. We don't take any shit.

Jehovah's Witnesses:

1. No shit happens until Armaggedon.
2. There is only a limited amount of good shit.
3. Knock Knock, "Shit Happens."
4. Here, we insist you take our shit.
5. Shit happens door to door.
6. Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.

Judaism:

1. Why does shit always happen to US?
2. Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?

Kibology:

1. What's shit, and where can I get some?

Lutheranism:

1. Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.

Moilanenism:

1. Smells like shit of finnish fish.

Moonies:

1. Only happy shit really happens.

Mormonism:

1. If shit happens, shun it.
2. Excrement happens. (you can't say 'shit' in Utah)
3. Hey, there's more shit happening over here!
4. Our shit is better than your shit.
5. Shit happens again & again & again ...

Mysticism:

1. This is really weird shit.

Nation of Islam:

1. Don't take no shit!

Native Americans:

1. Shit is sacred when it happens.

New Age:

1. That's not shit, it's feldspar.
2. A firm shit does not happen to me.
3. This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
4. I create my own shit.
5. If shit happens, honor it and share it.
6. Sheeeeeeeeeeit!
7. Were all part of the same shit.
8. For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.

Orthodox:

1. St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.

Paganism:

1. Shit happens for a variety of reasons.

Protestantism:

1. If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
2. If shit happens, praise the lord for it!

Rajhneesh:

1. Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.

Rastafarianism:

1. Let's smoke this shit!
2. Hey, this is good shit, mon.

Reform Judaism:

1. Got any laxatives?

Rosicrucianism:

1. What is this AMORC shit?

Satanism:

1. We hope bad shit happens to all of you.
2. We will make your shit happen.

Scientology:

1. All this happens to be shit.
2. If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.

Secular Humanism:

1. Shit evolves.

7th Day Adventism:

1. Shit happens on Saturdays.

Shamanism:

1. Whoaa...Holy Shit!

Shintoism:

1. You inherit the shit of your ancestors.

Sikhism:

1. Leave our shit alone.

Southern Baptist:

1. Shit will happen. Praise the lord!

Stoicism:

1. This shit happening is good for me.

SubGenius:

1. Shit has happened. For $20 "BoB" will sell you a way to MAKE MONEY FROM IT.

Sureshism:

1. You are all pieces of shit.

Taoism:

1. Shit happens.
2. If you can shit, it isn't shit.
3. Shit happens, so flow with it.

Televangelism:

1. Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening...

Unitarianism:

1. What is this Shit?
2. We affirm the right for shit to happen.
3. Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
4. It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.

Voodoo:

1. Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
2. Let's stick some pins in this shit!
3. This shit's gonna get you!

Wicca:

1. If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
2. The Goddess makes shit happen.
3. Mix this shit together and it will happen!
4. Christianity stole half its shit from us.

Zen:

1. What is the sound of shit happening?

Zoroastrianism:

1. Shit happens half the time.

1. I cannot tell a lie--shit happened.

Lincoln:

1. Four score and seven shits ago...

Nixon:

1. Shit didn't happen, and if it did I didn't know anything about it.

Reagan:

1. Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap.

Quayle:

1. Whye doe peepl treate mee lik shitte?

Clinton:

1. I didn't inhale this shit.
2. I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....

Bush:

1. Read my lips: no more shit!
2. Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.
3. This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.
4. This looks like domestic shit. Let Baker handle it.
5. This looks like campaign-related shit. Let Baker handle it.

Baker:

1. Why does Bush always dump all the shit on me?

Saddam:

1. The mother of all shit just happened to us, but at least I'm still in power.

Perot:

1. I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.

McCarthy:

1. Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?

Martin Luther King:

1. Black shit and white shit CAN coexist... I have a shit...

Julius Caesar:

1. I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)

Kennedy:

1. Ask not what your country's shit can do for you, but what your shit can do for your country.

John Paul Jones:

1. I have not yet begun to shit.

James Tiberius Kirk:

1. ... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!

Shirley MacClaine:

1. Haven't I seen this shit before...

Neil Armstrong:

1. One small shit for a man... One giant heap for mankind.

Shakespeare:

1. To shit or Not to shit, that is the question.

1. There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt

UNIX:

1. Shit dumped.

VAX/VMS:

1. No Privilege for attempted shit.

Macintosh:

1. (Enough said)

IBM/DOS:

1. It's shit, but it's compatible.

Windows:

1. The same shit as DOS, only GUIer...

Cray:

1. If this code weren't such a piece of shit, they wouldn't NEED a supercomputer...

C:

1. It's shit, but it's efficient.

Fortran:

1. It's shit, but I don't know any better.

Cobol:

1. It's shit, but it's job security.

BASIC:

1. It's shit.

1. Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit

Epicurus:

1. If shit happens, enjoy it.

Socrates:

1. What is shit? Why is shit?

Aristotle:

1. The essence of shittyness...

Archimedes:

1. Hmmm... why doesn't this shit float?
2. Give me a place to stand and I'll move any piece of shit.

Descartes:

1. I think, so why am I in this shit?
2. I shit, therefore I am.

Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire):

1. The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.

Thoreau:

1. I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out of life.

Sartre:

1. Shit is meaningless!
2. What is shit, anyway?

Freudianism:

1. Shit is a phallic symbol.

1. Shit happening is just a special case...

Statistician:

1. There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.

Physicist (Theoretical):

1. Shit SHOULD happen.

Physicist (Experimental):

1. To within experimental error, shit DID happen.

Engineer:

1. I hope this shit holds together.

Chemist:

1. I hope this shit doesn't blow up.
2. Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!
3. Damn this shit smells...

Biologist:

1. Is this shit alive?

Botanist:

1. What this daisy needs is some fresh shit.

Economist:

1. I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.

Burocrat:

1. I'm sorry, but we can't make this shit happen until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN- 271828...

CEO:

1. (1980's) I've got all the shit I want.
2. (1990's) Oooh, SHIT!

Lawyer:

1. For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.

Doctor:

1. Take two shits and call me in the morning.
2. Yes, it's definitely a case of shit happening. $90, please...

Acupuncturist:

1. Hold still or it will hurt like shit.
2. Let all that shit go.
3. This will really get the energy shit moving.

Surgeon:

1. Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?

Psychologist:

1. Shit is in your mind.
2. Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.

Programmer:

1. It's shit, but at least it compiles.

Social Scientist:

1. Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...

Historian:

1. The same shit happens again and again.

Politician:

1. It's shit, but it'll get me elected.
2. If you elect me, shit will never again happen.
3. Shit happening is bad for the economy.
4. My Fellow Americans, All I stand for is shit.

Waitress:

1. You want fries with that shit?

Teacher:

1. Repeat after me: one shit + one shit =?

Dean:

1. Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.

Accountant:

1. Why doesn't this shit add up?

Linguist:

1. What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri. (For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull)

Quality Control Inspector:

1. This shit ain't good enough.

IRS Auditor:

1. I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.

Farmer:

1. I get subsidies for my shit.

Union leader:

1. Give us more shit or we'll strike.

Mafia boss:

1. Rub the little shits out.

NYC Cab Driver:

1. Damn, looks like I hit that shit...

Mechanic:

1. Shit...this will cost a lot, mister.

Chef:

1. It needs some more of this green shit.

Musician:

1. This shit is out of tune.

Artist:

1. If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit.
2. Shit, I wish I thought of that.
3. Anything you can buy for $2.99 isn't art, it's shit.

Poet:

1. My childhood was shit, let me share.
2. Ode to a Grecian Shit.
3. My love is like a red, red shit.
4. ... and miles to go before I shit, and miles to go before I shit...

Developer:

1. Shit happens on a daily basis, that's why we have maintainance programmers.

1. All I do is eat, sleep and shit.
2. I did not chew the shit out of your bedroom slippers.
3. When I catch a car, it will shit!
4. Oh shit, I caught it!

Cat:

1. Why do I have to shit in this smelly pan?
2. Let me sleep, you pathetic shit.
3. Dogs are shit.
4. I do not do unelegant things like shit, I excrete. And never in the corner. It is the dog's.

Fish:

1. All I do is eat, swim and shit.
2. Always the same dried shit for dinner?

Snake:

1. If I got out of this cage, you'd shit.==

1. 0th: There is shit.
2. 1st: You can't get rid of it.
3. 2nd: It gets deeper.
4. 3rd: A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking.KEEP SHOVELING!!--

1. Shit happens and happens and happens and ...

Twelve Step:

1. Shit happens one day at a time.

Divorcism:

1. She's full of shit!
2. He's fooling around with some worthless piece of shit.
3. ... but Judge, you can't give her all that shit!

Spam:

1. Spam happens.

Environmentalism:

1. Shit is biodegradable.

Political Correctness:

1. Heavily processed nutritionally-deprived biological output happens.

Heisenbergism:

1. Shit happened, we just don't know where or how much.

Quantum Shittydynamics:

1. Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.

Einsteinism:

1. God does not play shit with the universe.
2. Shit is Relative.

Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law:

1. Relatives are Shit.

Communism:

1. It's everybody's shit.

Marxism:

1. The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike.
2. Dictatorship of the shit.

Socialism:

1. The same shit happens to everyone.

Capitalism:

1. Shit happens, and it'll cost you!
2. If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.

Americanism:

1. Who gives a shit?

Materialism:

1. Whoever dies with the most shit wins.

Cannibalism:

1. Don't eat the shit.

Vegetarianism:

1. If it happens to shit, don't eat it.

Hedonism:

1. There's nothing quite like a good shit.

Existentialism:

1. Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
2. Shit happening is absurd.

Realism:

1. I think I need to take a shit.

Denialism:

1. What shit?

Purism:

1. If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.

Procrastinationism:

1. I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.

Avoidanceism:

1. With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.

Repressionism:

1. I'll hold this shit in forever.

Fatalism:

1. Oh shit, it's going to happen!

Surrealism:

1. Fish.

Nihilism:

1. Let's blow this shit up!

Fetishism:

1. I love it when shit happens.

Masochism:

1. Do shit to ME.

Sadism:

1. I will shit on you!

Dyslexia:

1. Tihs happens.

Yuppie Shit:

1. It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?

An Employer:

1. Shit happens, and rolls down hill.
2. You may only shit during coffee breaks.

An Employee:

1. I've done my shit, so can I take the day off?

To contact me or to request topics to be covered, send to RikJohnson@juno.com
by: Rick Johnson
PO Box 40451
Tucson, Az.
85717

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