CONTENTS
You Just May be a Pagan Yuppie...
You Just May be a Red-Neck Pagan...
You Just May be a Survivalist Pagan...
You Just May be a Monster Truck Pagan...
You Just May be a BubbaPagan...
Return to the Home Page.
Return to the Humor page.
YOU JUST MIGHT BE A PAGAN YUPPIE IF...
by Hy Oka
Now look around. I am sure you can see that not all Pagans are tree-hugging,
Sandal-wearing, $200-car driving, Goodwill-shopping working poor. There are many in
our community that make a good living and enjoy a lifestyle that blends our Pagan
Earth-centric views and today's mass-marketed creature comforts.
No, not all Pagans are poor and there is not a gospel that says we have to be,
either. But, you know, there are some among us that, well, they just go a little over the
edge. You can pick these folks out the minute they hit the circle. As obvious as they may
be to us, they often have no sense of just how extreme they have become. For the good of
all, and it harm none, of course, I offer up this self awareness meditation for those that
need an outside source to help shed a little candlelight into their tunnel-visioned lives.
So, please take a moment to look deep into your heart and ask yourself, "Am I a Yuppie
Pagan?"
You may be a Yuppie Pagan if...
Your BMW stands out among the Toyotas and VWs at the Grand Coven.
You have a three-piece ritual robe.
Your ritual preparation includes stopping at the dry cleaner.
The Priestess sends the ritual wine back to the cellar.
You have considered calling the quarters by telephone.
You purchase astrological charts for companies listed on the NASDAQ.
You use an alphanumeric pager in circle to represent Air.
You want to use the Weber Gas Grill as the ritual bonfire.
You actually buy an Eostara bonnet each year.
You ask your bank for a VISA Gold Card with Stonehenge depicted on its face.
You try to break a $100 bill in the donation pot at a public circle.
The ritual wine is more European then your tradition.
Your ritual robe has no cord because you've gone cellular.
Ritual is postponed due to a bad hairpiece day.
You worry that you don't have a robe that goes well with bare feet.
Jet-lag is a common excuse for being late to coven.
Perrier is the only water you will tolerate in the West.
You initiate your lawyer, insurance agent, and cardiologist just to be on the safe side.
You have 150 channels available on your TV and are too cool to watch any of them.
Ritual was canceled because the CD player is in the shop.
You never do a healing ritual for your car.
You have a cute little alligator sewn on the breast pocket of your ritual robe.
Perfect love and perfect trust in your coven oath are annotated with footnotes and conditions.
You have a notarized pre-handfasting agreement.
Your first degree initiation had valet parking.
Spilled wax really matters to you.
You have a Ginsu athame.
Cakes and wine for a dozen sets you back $139.
Your coven is known in the community as "The Rich Corinthians."
You view drawing-down as being the Account Executive to the Gods.
You worry that it would be inappropriate to do Yule at your summer house.
Not everyone gets to use the "good" chalice.
Your ritual bath is a Jacuzzi.
You don't do astral projection, frequent flyer miles are so much easier.
The gardener spends more time in your outdoor temple then you do.
Your familiar is rented.
You stop at the 7-11 to pick up a half cord of firewood for the bonfire.
You are offended by the "We are the old people..." chant ever since the facelift.
You shopped for a ritual staff and came back with two MBAs and an administrative assistant.
Five-fold kiss or not, the thought of lips on your Guccis turns you on.
You would invite the coven to your new house but, well, they're just so messy.
You have not read The Spiral Dance and are waiting for it to be made into a movie.
You had a pocket added to your ritual robe for your cellular phone.
You would go to Pagan festivals if they would just hold them at a nice resort.
Invoking the spirit of fire is expressly forbidden by your townhouse covenants.
You wouldn't use a script in ritual, that's what the laptop computer on the altar is for.
If "In the cool of the evening, we used to gather..." makes you think of getting in a late 18 holes.
Your ritual tools are itemized on your homeowners insurance.
Your car payment is more than your priestess' monthly take home pay.
You wear paste replicas of your ritual jewelry to rituals.
After casting the circle you feel compelled to click that alarm thing on your keychain.
You have a tattoo designed by Nybor and paid for the rights to the design.
You have both the Jerry Garcia and Tim Leary hand painted collector's edition plates on your altar.
The square footage of your ritual circle is a status thing.
Great carpeting is next to godliness.
It just doesn't seem right to call upon the spirits of water without a twist of lime.
Your covenstead has gone condo.
You seldom are asked to call North since everyone knows you just don't do dirt.
You have to hurry the Yule ritual along, the plane for Aspen leaves in an hour.
and by someone else...
You special-order your sterling silver pentagram from Tiffany's.
You only use sea salt imported from the Red Sea
Your cord is only 100% virgin wool.
The pouch that hangs from your cord is monogrammed
Only the most expensive wine and caviar for cakes and wine will do.
Under the black paint, your athame has a pearl handle.
You know when the spirit of the Goddess is within you because you drop your briefcase. (ok, its a rip off of a better joke...)
Your Gucci robes have an alligator embroidered on the pocket.
You traded in your ritual sword for a tennis racket, and cast your circles backhand.
You've been really looking for a BMW blessing.
You get CK tatooed on your butt so you can do skyclad rituals.
Return to Contents
Your ceremonial garb consisting of cut-offs and a tank top.
You think that your Family Tradition is a dating club.
You've reached the Third Degree before you reach the third grade.
If your Coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks".
Your ceremonial Cup is inscribed with 'Budwiser".
If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it ...
Your Circle dance includes the words, "Dosey-do".
Your Altar Pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the Hollywood 'Walk of Fame'.
You have the maiden sweep the Circle with a weed wacker.
If your maiden sweeps the circle with a weedwacker ...
You select your High Priest at a belching contest.
You choose your High Priestess at a wet T-shirt contest.
If they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt night ...
Your anointing oil smells like 'Old Spice.'
You refill your Chalice from a keg.
If you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg ...
Your Goddess picture says "Miss September" on the bottom.
Your God statue look a little too much like Elvis.
You have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu.
You have ever cancelled a Coven meeting to watch Pay-per-view wrestling on TV.
You've ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a potato that resembled the
Willendorf Goddess.
You've ever cast a love spell on livestock.
You brew your favorite ritual libation in a backyard still.
Your children and your dog have the same magickal name (Skeeter).
Your Cakes and Ale consists of Moonpies and a cold "Bud" or "Ripple".
The menu at your cakes and wine consists of Moon Pies and Ripple.
Your Coven Sword says "Power Rangers" on it.
You cast your circle with a sword that says "Power Rangers" on the side.
Your Book of Shadows has a picture of Kyle Petty or Dale Earnhart on it.
Your Divination kit consists of a puicture of Dionne Warwick and a 1-900 number.
Your idea of a pilgrimage to a sacred circle is going to the Indy 500.
Your ceremonial headdress has a bill and says "Chevrolet" on it.
If your Sabbat Queen's head-dress is made out of those little nylon flowers the veterans
hand out in front of the supermarket..
You choose "Jim Bob" or stromin' Norman" as a magickal name.
Your Balefire says "Coleman" on it.
Your Covenstead says "Winnebago" on the side, your're not necessarily a redneck pagan,
but if your Covenstead's up on blocks...
Your Goddess visualization looks too much like Pamela Anderson.
Your Initiatory ordeal consists of being blind-folded with a confederate flag and leg-
wrestling.
Your idea of a Pagan Festival consists of a tailgate party and tickets to the superbowl.
Your ceremonial chants are by Garth Brooks.
Your Coven's guided meditations start out with a burger at "Hooter's".
Your think that Gerald Gardner is farm equiptment.
Your Athame is a Ginsu.
Your cauldron doubles as a spitoon.
You're not nervous at your first skyclad ritual because your sister already knows how well
endowed you are.
Your magickal oils have names like "Mobil" and "10w-40".
You banish evil spirits from your circle by chanting "Yall GIT!".
The first part of your Halloween ritual involves begging for candy.
You were disappointed at your first robed ritual because nobody burned a cross.
You burn incense in an old hub cap.
Your High Priest's crown is made from a Jackalope.
Your best robe is white and comes with a pointy hood with eye holes.
Your last ritual was ruined when a cow broke the circle.
All your coven members' names start with "Cuzzin".
You had to delay an inner court once because some kids were still playing basketball.
You're sure the Goddess looks a lot like Daisy Duke.
Your favorite part of candle magick is blowing them out and opening the presents.
You think High Magick is trying to drive the pickup after sniffing spray paint.
You did your first Full Moon ritual out the window of the truck with your pants down.
If you think "widdershins" refers to the calves of the bereaved lady next door....
If you think fetch deer is a command you give yer dawg....
If you think a goblet is a young turkey....
If you think Drawing Down the Moon means demolishing the outhouse....
If you call your coven mates "Bud" and "Sis"....
If you think a Great Rite is turning onto County Road 13....
If your Quarter candles smell like kerosene....
If you pronounce "athame" as "athaym" and "Samhain" as "Sammon" or "Sam-hayn"....
If you think a "Sidhe" is a girl....
If your idea of the "Goddess" is the Coors Swedish Bikini Ski Team....
If your Bard plays the banjo....
If your 'Long Lost Friend' really IS....
If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more, plastic pink
flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars....
If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod....
If your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle bigger than your
head....
If you call the quarter by invoking "Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob"....
If you call the Gods by hollerin' "Hey y'all, watch me!"....
If your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm equipment on the
back....
If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker....
If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun....
If your ritual garments include any one of the following: plaid flannels, long johns, a
pistol belt, or cowboy boots....
If you've ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff....
If your ritual wine is Maddog 2020, Night Train or White Lady 21....
If the instructions to get to your Covenstead include the words "After you turn off the
paved road"....
If your altar-cloth is a rebel flag....
If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle....
If your Eternal Flame just happens to be under a still....
If you use an engine block for an altar....
If your pickup truck has an athame rack....
If your crystal ball made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)....
If your High Priestess has a spittoon on her altar....
You think charging is done with a Master Card.
If any part of your invokation of the South Quarter includes any line from any song by
Lynard Skynard ...
If part of your rite includes throwing shotgun shells into the fire...
If the bell on your altar was ever worn by an animal in a pasture ...
If the cakes and wine are done with a bowie-knife, a can of Foster's and Little Debbie's ...
If when your priestess says "Blessed Be" in circle, you respond with "YEEE-HAW!" ...
If you believe a pentagram is a Western Union message to 5 people ...
If you bought your chalice at the Piggly Wiggly ...
If you buy your incense and candles at Wal-Mart (ouch!) ...
If you call the God & Goddess by hollerin' "Hey, Y'all! Watch me!" ...
If you call the North Quarter, but what you call it is an inner court secret ...
If you can play "The Burning Times" on the banjo ...
If you carry your ritual sword in your pickup's gun rack ...
If you found out your familiar is an oppossum - and still ate it ...
If you have a combined Maypole DanceTractor PullTurkey Shoot for Beltane. ...
If you invoke the sprits so that your beer lasts longer ...
If you pray nightly to the god of big tires ...
If you sarcifice bbq and pork rinds on a altar made of old car hoods...
If you shoot guns into the air when the priestess says, "The circle is open but unbroken"...
If you think the Wiccan Rede is good for making twig furniture. ...
If you worship the the gods of cheap beer and Nascar ...
If you've ever done a candle spell for your local high-school football team ...
If you've ever meditated to "Dueling Banjos" ...
If you've reached the 3rd degree but not the 3rd grade ...
If your altar cloth is a Confederate flag ...
If your altar cloth is vinyl ...
If your altar cloth says "Holiday Inn" or Howard Johnson's" ...
If your altar has a spit cup ...
If your athame is by Bowie ...
If your broom has four-wheel drive and SC plates ...
If your circle dance is a two step ...
If your coven-stead is propped up on cinder blocks ...
If your craft name starts with Bubba ...
If your familiar can point quail ...
If your familiar keeps mice out of the grainery ...
If your favorite Great Rite partner is your first, second and third cousin ...
If your favorite painting of the Goddess gives her hair like Reba McEntire ...
If your favorite ritual libation is brewed in an illegal backyard still ...
If your most sacred altar items include a hubcap, a velvet painting, and a half-empty can
of chaw ...
If your outdoor circle has defunct washing machines for quarter altars ...v
If your pantheon includes Yukon Jack, Jim Beam, and the St. Pauli Girl ...
If your ritual music has ever included Johnny Cash singing "Ring of Fire" ...
If your robes are made out of denim with Harley Davidson patches ...
If your summoner carries a sawed-off shotgun.
If you've ever marked out a Circle with duct tape.
If your HP and HPS' secret names are Cooter and Sweetcheeks.
If you've ever done a Lotto spell.
If you've ever cast a love spell at a family reunion.
If your totem animal is a possum or a coon.
If you've ever used a Cauldron as a spitoon.
If your familiar is a hound dog.
If there's a Staff, Wand or Ritual Sword in the gunrack of your pick-up.
If your Leatherman is consecrated.
If your Altar is held together with balin' wire.
If your gamblin' (or cowboy) hat has Pan horns on it.
If you've ever financed a ritual tattoo.
Your ritual robes are made of camouflage.
Nobody breaks your circle because the perimeter is mined.
Your athame is a pre-Korean War M-1 Garand bayonet.
Your High Priest's antlers are attached to a kevlar helmet.
You cast your circle with an AK-47 on full auto.
Your cakes and wine were imported all the way from a bomb shelter in Montana.
You get closer to nature by hiding in the mud waiting for the mailman.
You've renamed the quarters Ruger, Colt, Smith, and Wesson.
You're sure the Goddess prefers a .45 to a 9mm.
Your alter is an old ammo box.
Half your candles are explosive...in case of infiltrators.
You carry your incense in a bandoleer.
You put red lenses over your candles to prevent detection by the enemy.
During skyclad rituals, you still wear a flak vest.
Your coven members fight over who was George S. Patton in a previous lifetime.
You figured Clinton would make a great president since you heard his wife was a witch.
Your censer is a hollowed out hand grenade hanging from parachute cords.
You feel safer with radar scattering netting over your circle.
You gave up burning sage for cleansings because gunpowder smells so much better.
If your athame has a SCSI interface ...
If your OBE's begin with a netsplit ...
If your priest robes conceal a pocket protector ...
If you calculate the phases of the moon with Windows '95 ...
If your altar has a keyboard ...
If your Yule ritual involves defragmentation ...
If your coven is spread over a 12,000 sq. mi. area ...
If your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number ...
If you refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR)
If you do cord magick with ethernet ...
If you ritually down your server for Samhain ...
If your altar cloth is a mouse pad ...
If, when your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in ...
If erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks ...
If casting the circle changes an (int) to a (float) ...
If your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over ...
If your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group ...
If passing the cakes and ale entails using a me command ...
If your search for truth involves regular expressions ...
If your familiar is a mouse ...
If you draw down the moon using a light-pen ...
If your cone of power has a surge suppressor ...
If your tarot cards multi-task ...
If your daemons collect news for you ...
If your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control ...
If you refer to solitary practice as a stand alone ...
If you tap into the collective unconscious using Netscape ...
If your favorite deity has a homepage ...
If the address of your covenstead begins with http: ...
If your circle is a token ring ...
If you have ever attached ribbons to a May Pole using a staple gun ...
If you invite the God and Goddess to come online ...
If you participate in online rituals more than you do FTF ...
If your patron deity has a homepage ...
If your ritual robes conceal a pocket protector ...
If your search for truth involves regular expressions ...
And finally, if, when your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in ...
You may be a monster-truck pagan if your anointing oil is 30 weight.
You may be a monster truck pagan if cakes & wine means tailgate party.
You may be a monster truck pagan if Autumn is the Burning Time.
You might be a Bubba Witch if you use rebel flags as altar cloths...
You might be a Bubba Witch if you dismiss the elements by saying "Y'aIl come back
now, ya hear!"...
You might be a Bubba Witch if you use broken washing machines as altars...
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK PAGAN IF....
by Paul Cory & Taliesin, et al
YOU MIGHT BE A SURVIVALIST PAGAN IF...
SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE A TECHNO-PAGAN
YOU MIGHT BE A MONSTER TRUCK PAGAN IF....
YOU MIGHT BE A BUBBA PAGAN IF....
To contact me or to request topics to be covered, send to RikJohnson@juno.com
by: Rick Johnson 
PO Box 40451
Tucson, Az.
85717
Return to the Home Page.
Return to the humor page.
