Didn't Make the Hallmark Greeting Card Rack

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never Believed
in Hell til I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't
help but wonder: What was I thinking?"

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here
to ruin it for me."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was
before this!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to
take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need
it again."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best
friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out
who the father was?"