Horror Movie Advice
Helpful hints if you're ever caught in a horror movie...
When it seems that you've killed the monster/psychopathic killer, never check to see if it's really dead....it won't be.
If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.
When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go alone.
If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old abandoned mansion, don't tag along. Especially don't tag along if everyone's going as couples, except you're the odd guy/gal out. And if you're the gang's jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament while you're driving with them to the place.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead.
If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life....it's never just the cat.
If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
If you're running from the monster/psychopathic killer, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, although you are running and the monster/psycho is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine or Massachusetts.
If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, weed-whackers or any device made from deceased companions.
If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.
When you happen to be one of the fortunate ones and actually make it through the film alive, never, NEVER sign on to do a sequel. If you do, expect to depart this world in the first five minutes.
Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy.
People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster/psychopathic killer, so don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.
If you realize that the people in your town/county are having their minds taken over by some strange force, alien or otherwise: DO NOT call the police as they are A) either already taken over themselves and will turn you in or B) will not believe you and laugh at you. Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.
If you assist the villain of the film, do not expect gratitude in exchange for your services. In fact, do not expect anything other then death, which will come in the final minutes of the film...
When a hideous alien menace is hunting you, never wander off alone to hunt for the cat.
Never, EVER go in/out there (There being the attic, closet, barn, basement, dark alley, dark anywhere else, the all-concealing shadows, the woods or the lake)
If someone who seems important tells you to do or NOT do something (like DON'T fall asleep, DON'T leave me, DON'T look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding-psychopath by yourself) by all means, listen to them, unless doing so would break another of the guidelines.
If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don't despair. Take this opportunity to replace them with weapons, such as chainsaws, harpoons, etc.
If you're the the last main character left, and a bunch of people are hunting the monster/monsters/psychopathic killer DON'T stand out in the open, because you will immediately be mistaken for a/the monster/psychopathic killer.
Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side.
In terms of weaponry and general equipment for fighting the monster, never rely on any tool more complicated than a pointed stick. Generators will inexplicably run out of power, just as the nasty space-vegetable climbs onto your jury rigged electrical grid. Just when you've got the ghoul lined up in your sights, your gun will invariably jam.
Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap.
If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, when you're supposed to be alone, don't follow the noises to see who your "guest" is. LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.
Never pick up the phone and call for help, chances are your phone will be dead and the next thing you'll see is the monster/psychopathic killer swinging some sort of sharp object.
If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera. If it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.
Your dog can take care of itself...So can your spouse...And your kids.
Self-sacrifice is a bad idea, as the person you saved will usually die anyway.
Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.
Your plan takes into account all possible situations...except for the one that actually occurs.
Don't be a smart-ass. It'll only get you killed. The comic of the group always dies first...
When you have actually gotten a monster/psychopathic killer down on the ground with your gun, immediately empty all your shots in the monsters/psychopathic killer's head.
People driven by veangance always die.
Never, under any circumstances, go to summer camp - especially one with some sort of tragic history.
If you throw away some possession of yours (antique dolls and ventriloquist's dummies in particular), and you find it again in your house/car/pockets/etc. move to another country IMMEDIATELY! Of course, it WILL be waiting for you in the car as you go to leave.
If you try to run away, always take the bus. If you take a car the monster/psychopathic killer will be in it. Cabbies are always demonically possessed. Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to take. And you have to go through dark, underground stations to get on a subway.
If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters/psychopathic killers only attack overly horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!
If you're being chased by a monster/psychopathic killer and you think it's behind you, chances are it will appear in front of you (and if you're a girl, this will happen right after you trip and fall, and then stand up and look behind you).
If you've beaten the monster/psychopathic killer into a bloody pulp and you're sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise destroy him.
If you're being chased by a monster/psychopathic killer and you find one of your friends and they ask "what's wrong?", don't stop and try to explain. Just tell them to run as you go by. If they're really your friend they'll follow. If not - that's their tough luck.
If you should easily enter a home that you've either heard a scream from or there is no sign of life when there should be, do not be surprised to find that all means of escape (i.e. doors, windows, etc.) will be locked, effectively allowing the monster/psychopathic killer to come within a gnat's hair to you.
If you should run across one of the escape routes from the previous rule that is made of glass, DO NOT waste time pounding on it. Breaking it would prove to be a better course of action. (Remember, a cut-up hand is better than a chest wound.)
If you are even somewhat religious, BECOME AN ATHEIST IMMEDIATELY! Monsters/psychopathic killers will invariably seek you out, gloating in defiance of "your weak faith," and say mean things about your deity.
Whenever a strange weapon is presented (e.g. a harpoon gun, flare gun, can opener, etc.) TAKE IT! If you don't, the monster/psychopathic killer will, and sooner or later the weapon WILL BE USED! Better you use it then the monster/psychopathic killer.
ALL genetic experiments will create humanoid mutants (whether or not human/primate DNA is used) with BIG teeth and claws, and a tough hide impervious to bullets. NEVER try your hand at gene-splicing!
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