Profound Wisdom

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.
16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.
21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
29. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
30. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
31. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
32. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
33. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
34. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
35. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
36. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
37. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
38. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
39. Terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.